Hey Airene,

Thank you for the advice. Sometimes i feel relived when i know that its over just because in the final months i would see and feel and know that is not right for me and that he is not in the same level. It would be constant battle in my brain should i end it should i wait for him to say something. I was kind of miserable in the last 2 months. So thats a relief in some weird sense. But i still miss him. Tomorrow we will meet to give each other some things and in one moment Im like, yes sure im gonna be cool. In other moment im thinking that this is probably the last time i will see him. I guess that its still so fresh, i just need time.

Thank you

Dear Anita

Yes.That’s all correct. I want to say little bit more about myself, how I am in relationships, how I was before him.
I think this is so heavy on me because feel like I’m not just grieving the loss of someone I love, but im more of being scared what will happen in the future, how will this affect my mental state, what kind of mark it will leave (I don’t wanna say scar)cause I dealt with panic attacks in the past, depression and anxiety.
When I stared my relationship I was very chill, not so attached. While he was the opposite. His focus was totally on me. Im keeping my guard up always, but I guess when I saw how much he wants me, I was like oh I can like relax and open my heart. And after that it seems like it all went down. I feel like I was really under pressure of the things he wanted and I feel like I did them just to make him happy (at that time). As I said I rarely find someone I really really like, and he was amazing so I let myself in-in falling in love with him. He also openly told me that he consciously pushed his feelings down( because he wouldn’t see the things he expected) and from that on he stopped liking me more. My life apart from him its a mess also and im not where I wanna be, and now I’m even feeling totally lost.
Also I wanna mention that before being with him I didn’t had serious relationships but I would always have a guy in my life. Either just texting to someone, or dating, just going to get coffee, or with some guys being intimate. I wouldn’t feel love or anything special, but my point is that there was ALWAYS someone talking to me, saying I’m pretty, smart or whatever. Thinking now it seems like I couldn’t/can’t be by myself. And I don’t know how to feel about this. How can I feel good with just myself?
Also for my current situation- I’m very stressed for tomorrow. We will meet to give each other some stuff. I don’t expect anything like talking to work it out, I have 0 hope. But I don’t know if its a good idea to even see his face. I’m scared I’ll end up in tears. Everything feels heavy now, and I don’t know how to make it better. I’m not questioning my feelings for him- they were real, they still are. But was he just a “place” to run away from my reality and my “mess” ? Cause whenever something shitty would happen I would go to him for the feeling of comfort. I’m scared I will directly start talking to someone new, just to run away from him now and everything happening to me. I’m feeling very hopeless about my future at this point. I just hope I can come out of this place and learn why am I doing the things I’m doing. I don’t want another guy or something cause it will be never ending cycle. I just wanna be better and happy.

Thanks

Dear Anita,

I was thinking today all day about my relationship that ended and i came to the conclusion that i was rushed into the relationship. So lets start from the beginning.

I was in love 6 years ago for the first time. Unfortunately that didnt work out. Okay since then i became very closed and I wouldn’t feel much for guys. I would have fun, have some short relationships, my partners were also on the same level as me, so this worked well for me and i was going on like that. I was happy, focused on me, spending time with friends, studying- i felt my life is in a good place. At times i would feel like oh i want some real feelings etc ( cause actually im very emotional, instinctive, deep in a sense that i always thought there is someone special for me). But i just pushed this part of me cause i was too scared, and i was really happy and satisfied with just dating and not getting involved into serious relationships. So one day i met this guy that im writing about. At the time we met he was not living in my country, but he would move here for job purposes. In the beginning i was just killing time talking to him to be honest. He would always text me and ask me questions, while i was like super chill and sometimes not replying to him in hours. But i mean, we just know each other like 1 week at the time. He really wanted to talk through the phone but i didnt want, i just wanted for us to text and he would act little bit dramatic and get angry, but i really didnt care at that time. So he became very pushy about this phone call and i was losing my patience and told him like please leave me alone about that i dont want it. So he said okay then we should stop talking. I basically wrote” haha okay”. Like what? You are cutting all communication just cause i dont wanna talk on the phone. So one week passed or something and he showed up like nothing happened. I really didnt feel anything at that point so i was like lets just chat. I mean he showed me other qualities that i really liked. He was hardworking, adventurous, passionate, smart, funny. So we stared to like each other and our talks got more intimate and all of a sudden i really liked this guy. He would say to talk on the phone with me, and i would want just be like so shy. So eventually i overcame my shyness and we stared to talk like all day. We would text and talk on the phone 24/7. He was saying things like, would you come with me in a places if i need to move for work? he was asking and applying all this seriosity to the relationship. Me knowing myself too good told him wait until you come, we will see, making it obvious that i dont want that. I even openly said that maybe i will talk or meet other boys cause i was not serious. I knew myself but i really liked him too. So he called me and said i dont want you talking to other guys, like you are mine. He was like i really like you i will not do anything with other girls and i would like that for you too. I ended up saying yes cause i liked him. He was giving me all this signs that he is serious about me and was thinking like, this is a mature guy, going through the reasons i liked him and i decided that okay, i will try something like this. And after 2-3 weeks he came to my country and we started seeing each other. Our connection was instant. We understood each other, had same interests, had a lot of fun together. In the same time he was very jealous and even paranoid at times. For example one day we were sitting with his friend, and that guy said something in a foreign language that i know, and i just said “oh, nice accent”. When he left my boyfriend at the time went crazy, he even hit the wall. He was like, if you like him go with him. I was like WHAAAAT? He was very very jealous at times, but from the other side i was like he must really like me. So the twist happens here, me confident that this guy likes me a lot, open my heart and lose myself in him.He on the opposite thinks im not so serious cause he is paranoid, and his expectations not getting anywhere, so he pushed his feeling and made himself not like me as much. After that as i said in my previous post we talked and said its over. The next day HE wrote to me that he wants me and he still likes me so lets continue. ( in mean time he is so good to me,always calling me, being there for me) So i definitely wanted to continue. 2-3 months it was okay he was sweet and our relationship was normal until feb. this year. He said he didnt like me so much at this point, and i was broken. I was very desperate so i said to myself if you still want i dont care. So we continued. This two months until we broke up it was not good to be honest. Some good moments, but it was obvious he is not liking me. And 5 days ago it ended. I feel like i was tricked into this relationship, he made me feel like he is serious and as soon as i got serious he was like okay nope. He is feeling sorry that it didnt work out, and he wishes he could love me cause i was his “perfect” girl. He even said he knows that no other girl will love him like me, and he said he will regret this decision. He is so over me. I regret that i let him pressure me into doing and saying things i didnt want, but i really thought that its worth it and that im doing the right thing.

Im so confused, i feel like i will lose my mind. Im missing him. But when i think about how he almost “forced me” to be serious, i dont like him a little bit. I just wish i didnt lose myself in him. He was my happy place. My best friend. And tomorrow im going to meet him to get my things and i feel even this little progress that i made it will be waste. It hurts to know that he is not missing me and not thinking of me. Remembering how crazy he once was for me.

Thank you

Hello

Yes that exactly how i feel. I feel like i lost my happy place. Im like terrified of the thought him being with another girl. I feel like im thinking now: Why i didnt like him so much when he did, why we missed each other with the intensity of the feelings. I dont wanna feel regret cause i did what i felt at the times. But i have to say that i wished that it worked somehow. But you are right, the feeling that im losing something will eventually go away.