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April 10, 2018 at 3:06 pm #201685TebrizParticipant
Hello.My relationship just ended, 4 days ago. We were together 1 year and always together, almost living together. When we met he was giving me so much attention, always calling me, always saying how much he liked me. Me, i’m more slow into liking someone so much so i took my time, but really enjoyed the time spend with him. So i was slowly liking him more, and my feelings were growing and he was also showing me the same.After 4 months into the relationship he was still very sweet but i was kind of noticing something so i became insecure, i would get moody, angry, not giving him his own space, being overly protective, wanting him to be always with me.And one day he just took me by surprise. He said that he is losing his feelings, and he had certain expectations, like he would like me to cook for us, and help him with his clothes etc. And this was all okay for me i mean, i’m very traditional in that sense, i would enjoy it.But in my mind it was like so soon for that kind of thing cause it would give the relationship this “serious” label which i was scared from at the time. Sooo i was like come on. In his head it was like i didn’t want to do all those things, where in fact i would i just didn’t feel like doing them in that time.So we talked long and he said that he doesn’t want to end it, he still likes me but he kind of pushed his feelings down. But he still decided for us to try again and that he still liked me.At this point i was like okay, i really like this boy he is everything i want and its rare me feeling something real for someone, last time i loved it was like 6 years ago.So i said i will do anything to keep this relationship.And it was good, even at the times he was losing his feelings he would made me feel good, he was always always there for me.So 8 months into the relationship he was liking me less and less and i was loving him so much, so i decided that i need to break up cause i was not happy and i don’t want to be in this kind of relationship, i simply wanted someone who will be in the same level with his feelings as me.So we talked long and we both cried, he said you are the perfect girl, i still like you you are beautiful smart etc, but i cannot love you. I was heartbroken. So he said lets take some time apart and see what will happen. We said we would meet after 10 days, but the 4th day i just went to his place cause i couldn’t imagine my life without him and i said to myself i don’t care if he is not loving me i cannot be without him.So we were together 2 more months and i knew this would happen but still i was not prepared. We broke up and it was again him saying how he things i’m the perfect girl for him but just his heart cannot love me. He was crying more than me, saying sorry he hurt me, he said he is here for me if i wanna reach out.He was always so good. He still is. He wished happiness for me, and i did the same, and he said he would love for us to be friends one day, if i could.But…my heart is so broken.Like i’m lost. He was my best friend.The person i would call first for good or for bad. I truly loved him.Like i wonder if he ate, or if he is cold. He is still here for me but its so over. My poor heart doesn’t know how to move on. I didn’t eat almost at all these days.Where do all the feelings go? Will i be fine?
April 10, 2018 at 6:08 pm #201691AireneParticipantHi Tebriz,
You will be fine, I promise. I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love and who you have been with for a long time.
He wants to be your friend. You can decide if this is something you want to do. And as much as it hurts to type this, and for you to hear it, what you say is true – it is over.
Things will get better. This is also true – it takes time. If it helps, you can think about the things you didn’t like about him and the relationship. You can remind yourself how he wanted someone to cook for him (what??) and help him pick out his clothes (what???). It sounds like he wanted a mother more than a lover. Is this what you want to be to someone who is not your child? A mother?? I don’t think so.
There were relationships I had that ended and I would actually feel relieved. It gave me more time to do the things I wanted to do. Maybe there is a class you have wanted to take? Or friends you have wanted to spend time with? Something that might help is getting into a new routine. When you find yourself wanting to call your ex, make a conscious decision to do something else. As in…I will pick up my book and read when I want to call him. I will call my sister/brother/friend when I want to call him. I will do my nails. I will make a cup of tea. I will go to the store and just look. I will walk around the block. I will….fill in the blank with something that is constructive and will help you feel better about everything that is happening. Since this is an amicable break up, if you absolutely need to call him, just call him knowing that the two of you will not get back together, and that you want to say hi and see how he is doing. Again, without the expectation that the two of you will get back together. One thing I have learned about guys and love is that for most of them, once they decide they are done, they are done. He has told you clearly and plainly that he cannot love you. Listen to that and find someone who will treat you the way you want and need to be treated.
These intense feelings you are experiencing now will lessen over the course of a day, a week, a month. The best way to get over a breakup is to focus on YOU and the things and people you love.
Finally, remember that a relationship is something that should add to you life, not subtract from it. It should help you grow as a person, not let you lose yourself.
Wishing you peace,
Airene
April 11, 2018 at 5:23 am #201743AnonymousGuestDear Tebriz:
You wrote that during the relationship you were: “being overly protective, wanting him to be always with me… I truly loved him. Like I wonder if he ate, or if he is cold“.
But when he told you that “he had certain expectations, like he would like me to cook for us, and help him with his clothes”- you refused.
My question to you is: if you were worried if he ate, or if he was cold, why didn’t you consider cooking for him (so that he ate) and helping him with his clothes (so that was not cold)?
anita
April 11, 2018 at 5:50 am #201751TebrizParticipantHello Anita,
When i joined the forums i remembered your name cause i really liked how you would ask questions, and make them think, so i was hoping you will write. I thought i was clear when i said that he wanted this things when i thought its too soon( in those times i didnt love him i just liked this guy i was dating) I also mentioned that im more slow into developing my feelings for someone. Me saying i truly loved him applies for the following months when we were spending more time. (one of his expectations and things he wanted was for me to stay over and sleep in his house) Thanks for making me think but i feel that i was maybe pushed into something that i didnt want in the beginning-but still i grown to love him very much.
April 11, 2018 at 5:51 am #201755TebrizParticipantHey Airene,
Thank you for the advice. Sometimes i feel relived when i know that its over just because in the final months i would see and feel and know that is not right for me and that he is not in the same level. It would be constant battle in my brain should i end it should i wait for him to say something. I was kind of miserable in the last 2 months. So thats a relief in some weird sense. But i still miss him. Tomorrow we will meet to give each other some things and in one moment Im like, yes sure im gonna be cool. In other moment im thinking that this is probably the last time i will see him. I guess that its still so fresh, i just need time.
Thank you
April 11, 2018 at 7:22 am #201769AnonymousGuestDear Tebriz:
I ask questions about relationships that ended because I believe learning from these experiences is very important, so to make better choices in the future. I understand that your objective is to move on, to feel better, that is all, correct?
anita
April 11, 2018 at 9:05 am #201785TebrizParticipantDear Anita
Yes.That’s all correct. I want to say little bit more about myself, how I am in relationships, how I was before him.
I think this is so heavy on me because feel like I’m not just grieving the loss of someone I love, but im more of being scared what will happen in the future, how will this affect my mental state, what kind of mark it will leave (I don’t wanna say scar)cause I dealt with panic attacks in the past, depression and anxiety.
When I stared my relationship I was very chill, not so attached. While he was the opposite. His focus was totally on me. Im keeping my guard up always, but I guess when I saw how much he wants me, I was like oh I can like relax and open my heart. And after that it seems like it all went down. I feel like I was really under pressure of the things he wanted and I feel like I did them just to make him happy (at that time). As I said I rarely find someone I really really like, and he was amazing so I let myself in-in falling in love with him. He also openly told me that he consciously pushed his feelings down( because he wouldn’t see the things he expected) and from that on he stopped liking me more. My life apart from him its a mess also and im not where I wanna be, and now I’m even feeling totally lost.
Also I wanna mention that before being with him I didn’t had serious relationships but I would always have a guy in my life. Either just texting to someone, or dating, just going to get coffee, or with some guys being intimate. I wouldn’t feel love or anything special, but my point is that there was ALWAYS someone talking to me, saying I’m pretty, smart or whatever. Thinking now it seems like I couldn’t/can’t be by myself. And I don’t know how to feel about this. How can I feel good with just myself?
Also for my current situation- I’m very stressed for tomorrow. We will meet to give each other some stuff. I don’t expect anything like talking to work it out, I have 0 hope. But I don’t know if its a good idea to even see his face. I’m scared I’ll end up in tears. Everything feels heavy now, and I don’t know how to make it better. I’m not questioning my feelings for him- they were real, they still are. But was he just a “place” to run away from my reality and my “mess” ? Cause whenever something shitty would happen I would go to him for the feeling of comfort. I’m scared I will directly start talking to someone new, just to run away from him now and everything happening to me. I’m feeling very hopeless about my future at this point. I just hope I can come out of this place and learn why am I doing the things I’m doing. I don’t want another guy or something cause it will be never ending cycle. I just wanna be better and happy.Thanks
April 11, 2018 at 9:22 am #201793AnonymousGuestDear Tebriz:
I need to be away from the computer for the rest of my day. Will be back in about 18 hours or so. Will read and reply to you when I am back. If you would like to add any more information, more of your thoughts and feelings before then, please do (there is no space or time limit on a thread that I know of).
Be good to yourself.
anita
April 11, 2018 at 5:17 pm #201901TebrizParticipantDear Anita,
I was thinking today all day about my relationship that ended and i came to the conclusion that i was rushed into the relationship. So lets start from the beginning.
I was in love 6 years ago for the first time. Unfortunately that didnt work out. Okay since then i became very closed and I wouldn’t feel much for guys. I would have fun, have some short relationships, my partners were also on the same level as me, so this worked well for me and i was going on like that. I was happy, focused on me, spending time with friends, studying- i felt my life is in a good place. At times i would feel like oh i want some real feelings etc ( cause actually im very emotional, instinctive, deep in a sense that i always thought there is someone special for me). But i just pushed this part of me cause i was too scared, and i was really happy and satisfied with just dating and not getting involved into serious relationships. So one day i met this guy that im writing about. At the time we met he was not living in my country, but he would move here for job purposes. In the beginning i was just killing time talking to him to be honest. He would always text me and ask me questions, while i was like super chill and sometimes not replying to him in hours. But i mean, we just know each other like 1 week at the time. He really wanted to talk through the phone but i didnt want, i just wanted for us to text and he would act little bit dramatic and get angry, but i really didnt care at that time. So he became very pushy about this phone call and i was losing my patience and told him like please leave me alone about that i dont want it. So he said okay then we should stop talking. I basically wrote” haha okay”. Like what? You are cutting all communication just cause i dont wanna talk on the phone. So one week passed or something and he showed up like nothing happened. I really didnt feel anything at that point so i was like lets just chat. I mean he showed me other qualities that i really liked. He was hardworking, adventurous, passionate, smart, funny. So we stared to like each other and our talks got more intimate and all of a sudden i really liked this guy. He would say to talk on the phone with me, and i would want just be like so shy. So eventually i overcame my shyness and we stared to talk like all day. We would text and talk on the phone 24/7. He was saying things like, would you come with me in a places if i need to move for work? he was asking and applying all this seriosity to the relationship. Me knowing myself too good told him wait until you come, we will see, making it obvious that i dont want that. I even openly said that maybe i will talk or meet other boys cause i was not serious. I knew myself but i really liked him too. So he called me and said i dont want you talking to other guys, like you are mine. He was like i really like you i will not do anything with other girls and i would like that for you too. I ended up saying yes cause i liked him. He was giving me all this signs that he is serious about me and was thinking like, this is a mature guy, going through the reasons i liked him and i decided that okay, i will try something like this. And after 2-3 weeks he came to my country and we started seeing each other. Our connection was instant. We understood each other, had same interests, had a lot of fun together. In the same time he was very jealous and even paranoid at times. For example one day we were sitting with his friend, and that guy said something in a foreign language that i know, and i just said “oh, nice accent”. When he left my boyfriend at the time went crazy, he even hit the wall. He was like, if you like him go with him. I was like WHAAAAT? He was very very jealous at times, but from the other side i was like he must really like me. So the twist happens here, me confident that this guy likes me a lot, open my heart and lose myself in him.He on the opposite thinks im not so serious cause he is paranoid, and his expectations not getting anywhere, so he pushed his feeling and made himself not like me as much. After that as i said in my previous post we talked and said its over. The next day HE wrote to me that he wants me and he still likes me so lets continue. ( in mean time he is so good to me,always calling me, being there for me) So i definitely wanted to continue. 2-3 months it was okay he was sweet and our relationship was normal until feb. this year. He said he didnt like me so much at this point, and i was broken. I was very desperate so i said to myself if you still want i dont care. So we continued. This two months until we broke up it was not good to be honest. Some good moments, but it was obvious he is not liking me. And 5 days ago it ended. I feel like i was tricked into this relationship, he made me feel like he is serious and as soon as i got serious he was like okay nope. He is feeling sorry that it didnt work out, and he wishes he could love me cause i was his “perfect” girl. He even said he knows that no other girl will love him like me, and he said he will regret this decision. He is so over me. I regret that i let him pressure me into doing and saying things i didnt want, but i really thought that its worth it and that im doing the right thing.
Im so confused, i feel like i will lose my mind. Im missing him. But when i think about how he almost “forced me” to be serious, i dont like him a little bit. I just wish i didnt lose myself in him. He was my happy place. My best friend. And tomorrow im going to meet him to get my things and i feel even this little progress that i made it will be waste. It hurts to know that he is not missing me and not thinking of me. Remembering how crazy he once was for me.
Thank you
April 12, 2018 at 4:18 am #201943AnonymousGuestDear Tebriz:
Your one year relationship ended less than a week ago. At first he was very attentive to you, pursuing you, very interested in a committed relationship, but you took your time. Four months into the relationship you “would get moody, angry, not giving him his own space, being overly protective, wanting him to be always with me”. At some point later he told you that he was “losing his feelings, and he had certain expectations, like he would like me to cook for us, and help him with his clothes”.
But you thought “it was like so soon for that kind of thing cause it would give the relationship this ‘serious’ label”. The relationship continued, he was always there for you. Eight months into the relationship you decided you need to break up because you believed he felt less for you than you felt for him. He told you at that point: “you are the perfect girl, I still like you… but I cannot love you”.
You wanted to break up with him but it was he who said: “lets take some time apart and see what will happen”. After four days of the ten agreed upon separation, you showed up at his place feeling that you “cannot be without him”. Two months later, this past week, the relationship ended. During the recent breakup “He was crying more than me, saying sorry he hurt me”.
You wrote about him: “He was always so good… He was my best friend”.
In your following posts you wrote that you “dealt with panic attacks in the past, depression and anxiety”, You wrote: “When I started my relationship I was very chill, not so attached. While he was the opposite.. I’m keeping my guard up always”. You wrote: “I feel like I was really under pressure of the things he wanted and I feel like I did them just to make him happy”.
Before him you didn’t have serious relationships, but casual texting, dating, being intimate with some guys. “I wouldn’t feel love or anything special… there was ALWAYS someone talking to me, saying I’m pretty, smart or whatever…I would have fun, have some short relationships, my partners were also on the same level as me, so this worked well for me… I was happy… I always thought there is someone special for me. But I just pushed this part of me cause I was too scared.”
You wrote: “I’m scared I will directly start talking to someone new, just to run away… I’m feeling very hopeless about my future at this point… I just hope I can come out of this place and learn why am I doing the things I’m doing. I don’t want another guy or something cause it will be never ending cycle. I just wanna be better and happy”.
Later you wrote: “I feel like I was tricked into this relationship, he made me feel like he is serious and as soon as I got serious he was like okay nope… I regret that I let him pressure me into doing and saying things I didn’t want… I’m so confused, I feel like I will lose my mind. I’m missing him. But when I think about how he almost ‘forced me’ to be serious, I don’t like him a little bit. I just wish I didn’t lose myself in him.”
Now I will give you my understanding, my input. My goal is to attempt to offer some help with your confusion. Again, it is my understanding at this point, based on your sharing, and it is up to you to evaluate and decide for yourself what is true to you and to your situations and what is not. Here it is:
He didn’t trick you. I see no evidence of him being dishonest or deceptive with you. The deception is yours.
You deceptively presented to him an I-don’t-care attitude, not only in the beginning of the relationship, while he was living in another country, but all through the relationship.
For example, early on you wanted him to always be with you, and you almost lived together, you wrote. You cared about whether he needed to eat and whether he was cold, but you refused to cook for him or help him with his clothes. On one hand you cared, on the other… you didn’t. Double messages all through the relationship is what I see.
Your fear, anxiety about being hurt in a relationship led you, as I see it, to having one foot in the water, the other outside the water, at all times. Sometimes, before this current men, it worked for you, kept interactions with men casual. But this man wanted both of your feet in the water.
Scared of the water (emotional intimacy, closeness) and needing it at the same time, this is where the confusion is, the contradictory motivations.
I can see the frustration on his end. As he experienced your in-and-out for months and months, he lost .. his emotional motivation to be in, it wasn’t pleasant for him anymore.
anita
April 12, 2018 at 5:48 am #201957coconutParticipantHello.
I just want to say that I relate to you to some extent. Just like you I always felt the need to always be talking to some guy. I also deal with anxiety. From what you wrote I understand that what you want now is for you to feel happy by yourself. You weren’t really 100% happy with him, and my opinion is that what you loved/liked about him very much was the interest and total commitment he showed in you and how he treated you, especially that you never had someone to show you this much interest and commitment before. I’ve been there. It’s hard because you feel like you lost the care he had for you, the interest, the commitment and you fear you’ll never find someone who will like you that much.
I always like to talk from experience, so all I can tell you is that it gets better with time and the feeling that you “lost” something will eventually go away.
April 12, 2018 at 9:09 am #202001TebrizParticipantDear Anita
Thanks for your advice. I agree with the most of the things you said, but i think that i was with both of my “feet in the water”. Maybe not from the beginning but i most definitely was. I guess we were just different, he wanted everything very fast and i needed some time to figure out things. Today we met and we talked and came to the conclusion that we kind of felt a lot for the other just in different periods of the relationship. He said that he shouldn’t be so pushy in the beginning and that he feels like it is more on him why the relationship ended. But now im the one who is left with all this feelings.
Thanks
April 12, 2018 at 9:14 am #202007TebrizParticipantHello
Yes that exactly how i feel. I feel like i lost my happy place. Im like terrified of the thought him being with another girl. I feel like im thinking now: Why i didnt like him so much when he did, why we missed each other with the intensity of the feelings. I dont wanna feel regret cause i did what i felt at the times. But i have to say that i wished that it worked somehow. But you are right, the feeling that im losing something will eventually go away.
April 12, 2018 at 9:35 am #202027AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Tebriz.
anita
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