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Hurt my ex (We’re close)

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  • #366753
    James15
    Participant

    My ex girlfriend and I dated long distance from November 2019 until July 2020. It was a great 8 months. However, towards the end, our communication broke down, we didn’t really talk much, and there were a lot of trust issues. She decided to break up with me, which hurt because we were close, but I accepted. She told me she hoped that we could start a relationship in the future or get to know each other better once we didn’t have so much distance between us. However, my ex and I were very close. We were there for each other during really emotional times, we were friends, best friends, fwbs for months before we started dating. So, over the time we broke up we literally talked everyday, she wanted the fwb part to continue (I was fine with this because I feel the sexual part of our relationship was absolutely amazing).

     

    However, over the past few weeks, we have gotten into silly fights over small stuff that doesn’t matter. A lot of them have been my fault. We moved past them. Last week was the first week we really spent the most time we have since our breakup. Her and I started school and both are taking economics and other related classes so we FaceTimed during our classes and chatted, we challenged each other to fitness “battles” on our apple watches, we still had the fwb going, and talked all day. It was great just being really close friends.

     

    However, this all changed a few days ago. She came to me and told me that one of our friend that we knew from when we dated (long distance away from her but we knew him) liked her. The guy (we’ll call him bob) has had three past relationships all ending in concerning behavior for the women. For example, he would fake an overdose to get attention. When my ex told me this, I felt concerned, hurt, and jealous. Not only did I feel that she was getting into another long distant relationship when she told me it was hard to handle ours, but it seemed like the behavior she was showing in the past few days (crying, upset, depressed) was the same behavior these other girls showed while talking to Bob. I called her to ft and I let my emotions get to me. I reminded her of his past behavior (she claimed he had changed) and told her that I was hurt and I felt like she lied to me and I was manipulated by her because she told me we broke up due to distance but here she is in another long distant relationship.

     

    What I did was wrong. I shouldn’t have got involved. I was motivated by jealously but I was also concerned for her safety around this guy. I apologized and talked to her yesterday for over an hour on FaceTime and told her that I let my built up feelings from our relationship get to me, that I trusted she could handle her own issues, and that I overstepped my bounds. However, she told me that she wanted to limit the amount of time she talks to me now and that she needed space to heal. I just feel horrible, guilty, and that I’ve lost a close friend who means so much to me. I don’t view her as my ex, I view her as a person I care about and we have some similar hobbies, experiences, and are great at hanging out together. I’m not sure what to do because I feel the distance is going to tear us apart. I’ve thought about doing no contact, but I did that after our breakup and she hated it. We have a long streak on snapchat and I’m not sure if I should send her streaks. I don’t know how long I should give her space, if we’ll ever fix our friendship, or is this over.

     

    Thanks

    #366762
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James15:

    You shared that you and her were fwb (friends with benefits) for months before you dated long distance for 8 months. She broke up with you suggesting that you might resume your relationship in the future when  you are no longer long-distance. While broken up, you continued to talk everyday, resuming a fwb relationship. A few days ago she told you that Bob, a long distance friend, told her that he liked her. You are upset about her breaking up with you supposedly because you were long-distance, only to start another long distance relationship. You are also “concerned for her safety around this guy” because behaved in certain ways  with other girls, for example, pretending to have overdosed so to get their attention, and caused those girls to be “crying, upset, depressed”.

    I am not sure, therefore I am asking: is it true that you never met her in real life, that she never met Bob in real life, you never met Bob, or the girls that he upset, in real life, and the sex with her (“the sexual part of our relationship was absolutely amazing”) did not happen in real life?

    anita

     

    #366763
    James15
    Participant

    It was an online relationship, but it worked  well until the last few months. We knew each others families, friends, etc.

    #366764
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James15:

    You never met her in real life. Did you meet her family and friends in real life, and did she meet your family and friends in real life?

    anita

    #366765
    James15
    Participant

    I never met her in real life, but we had plans to meet up. I met her parents and friends and she met my friends and my parents. Everything was over online, but we were close on all platforms (ft, texting, calling, discord, snapchat, instagram, etc). She removed me from her instagram and is not allowing us to share activity anymore on our apple watches. She told me she did this when she was upset with me.

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 12 hours ago by James15.
    #366771
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James15:

    I understand, the relationships between you and her, between your family and her, between her family and you, and between your friends and her friends, are all virtual, no one ever met anyone in real life.

    You apologized to her over FaceTime for being jealous about Bob, and for interfering with her business,  not trusting her to handle her own issues. She told you that she wanted to limit the amount of time she talks to you and that “she needed space to heal”. You feel horrible and guilty, and you are afraid that the virtual distance will tear the two of you apart (“I feel the distance is going to tear us apart”).

    “I’m not sure if I should send her streaks. I don’t know how long I should give her space, if we’ll ever fix our friendship, or is this over”-

    My suggestion: send her one short message, telling her (in your own words), that you are sorry for what you have done wrong to her, specifically telling her what those wrongdoings were,  then tell her that if the two of you talk again, you will be careful to not repeat those wrongdoings. Also, let her know that you will respectfully give her what she asked for: the time that she needs to heal, therefore you will not contact her until she contacts you first. And finally, encourage her to contact you anytime she wants to, if and when she wants to. Then end the short message with a friendly note, such as a smiley face emoji.

    After that message, have the self discipline to not contact her in any way unless she contacts you first. Also, don’t talk about her to online people that may tell her what you said about her and the relationship with her.

    If you do that, from the little that I know about the situation, I think that you have a good chance that she will contact you. If you choose to send her a short message and you want my help in phrasing it, send your first draft of it to me, and I will give you my input. If she contacts you in the future and you want help in how to respond to her, let me know as well.

    anita

    #366772
    James15
    Participant

    Thank you, I really appreciate the advice and it gives me comfort knowing that I have some help. Just a question, do you think me messaging her again after all the apologizing and talking yesterday would be too much and feel like I’m contacting her again? I have a streak going with her (we sent each other snaps today, just blank pics).

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 11 hours ago by James15.
    #366775
    James15
    Participant

    Hey blank, I am sorry for my behavior the other night and how it hurt you. I was rude to you, said things that I didn’t mean and will never mean, intruded on your relationship and friendship with another person, and I let strong emotions, like jealously, pour over me and then jumped to conclusions. I’m sorry. I promise this won’t happen again. I’m going to give you what you asked for, some time away from me and I hope this time will allow you to heal. I won’t be contacting you unless you contact me first. Contact me anytime you want or need anything. Good luck with school 😊 🐈 (I have a cat she loved so I’ll add that in there)

    What do you think of this?

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 11 hours ago by James15.
    #366781
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James15:

    You are welcome. Because you already apologized to her a lot, I would keep the apology in the new message very short. In addition to it, because she told you that she wants a limited communication with you, and you don’t know specifically what limited communication means, in her mind, ask her. Editing the message you posted, here is my suggestion:

    “Hey (her name), I am sorry again for my behavior the other night. I will do my best to not behave like that with you ever again. I know that you want to limit our communication, and I want to respect that, but I am not clear about what limited communication means to you. If I am clear, I will be able to respect what you want: Is it okay for me to send you streaks? Should I not contact you unless you contact me first?”

    If you send this short message (change some words or expressions to fit you), and she responds to you, let me know of her response, will you?

    anita

     

    #366782
    James15
    Participant

    Actually, thinking back (sorry, I’ve had a long day) I asked her yesterday would streaks be ok and she said “yeah its fine, snaps don’t really bother me”.

    Should I still send something like that above or just leave it at streaks with no more communication until she contacts me?

    #366785
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James15:

    If you are able to not contact her beyond the streaks, then don’t, just send those streaks. If she contacts you beyond sending streaks, then answer her.

    If you are very stressed about not contacting her, if you keep thinking that it may be okay to send her a message, not knowing if it will be okay with her, or not, and you find yourself obsessing, then ask her specifically what she means by limited contact.

    anita

     

    #366842
    James15
    Participant

    Just a quick update. This morning I woke up to a text from her asking me what I thought about healthcare and economics (we both like politics and we both take economics). We texted for about 30 minutes where we talked about the material etc. She was overwhelmingly friendly, even calling me a “cute” nickname she has for me which I found awkward. I’m not sure if this is a good sign, or is this just her reaching out to be nice.

    #366844
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James:

    “I’m not sure if this is a good sigh, or is this just her reaching out to be nice”-

    by it being “a good sign”, you mean that she might want to be your online girlfriend again? If that’s what you mean, I suggest that you don’t ask her or suggest to resume the romantic/ closer relationship.

    I was wondering, do you have relationships in real-life: with family members, friends?

    anita

    #366849
    James15
    Participant

    Yeah, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to date again. She texted me again this morning, although way less than yesterday, and asked me a question about economics.  I do have family members, but over Covid I’ve lost most of the contacts I keep while irl. My confusion is just based around if she’s texting me to generally ask me questions or is she trying to start up a conversation.

    #366850
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James:

    You shared that she called you a cute nickname, and that she was overwhelmingly friendly- it could mean that she flirted with you, that she wants you to pursue her romantically. But if you don’t think it’s a good idea to virtually date her again, then answer her in a friendly way, but not in an overly friendly way, do not contact her often, and do not suggest to her anything more than just being friends.

    anita

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