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Hurt my ex (We’re close)

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  • #366885
    James15
    Participant

    I’ve been snapping her streaks once per day. She usually immediately snaps back and I leave her on delivered for a day because she asked that I don’t talk to her that much. I’m really wondering if I should start snapping her a little more, but do you think I should keep it at the once a day streaks and leave her on delivered until the next day?

    #366889
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James15:

    I would say, snap her 1-2 times a day, not more.

    anita

    #366916
    James15
    Participant

    Update (A little confused on what this means but positive). My ex and I talked a little more today on snapchat and we joked a little bit, not too much. Tonight, after she was finished with her work shift, I got a text from her and it was a tik Tok making fun of me (as a joke). She then called me and sounded a little stressed and said “I need your advice on this guy”. Now, at first I was a little upset that she came to me after she asked space from me. Anyways, she vented and told me that he had ignored her feelings, pushed her away, she even called him “manipulative”, told me he constantly discussed his depressive issues. Putting my jealously aside, I’m proud I was able, I was kind and nice and I gave her advice like she was a friend coming to me. However, she talked about how she really liked him.

    However, things got awkward. During this conversation we started talking about what we wanted in relationships. A lot of what we said matched with what each other wanted. Then, she says “wow, we’ve been on call an hour and it feels like only 10 minutes with you”. The conversation was going well, it was positive, and we laughed and I joked with her, and then the conversation about the other guy faded away. She then said “I really am attracted to guys who workout and their backs and your back is so attractive especially your freckles all over your shoulders”. Ok, I was a little confused because at that moment she was flirting with me, but I played this off and continued to talk. Then she was like “lets do something fun, let’s take a love quiz together”. I went along with this, but throughout the whole thing we started to talk about our relationship more and what we wanted in relationships.

    At the end of talking, she started flirting again and said “you know if you ever want to do fwb stuff or have some fun let me know”. Multiple times, she also hit on me through this, but again I played this off.

     

    She seems to really like this guy, but when we started talking I noticed I had matured in my communication skills since we broke up and it seemed we had the same mindset on things. I’m happy I was able to give her advice and that she trusts me and now knows maybe I was right, but when she started flirting with me I’m not sure if this means she still has feelings or just wants to do some fwb stuff.

    #366925
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James:

    Some people are impulsive: they change their behavior (what they say and what they do) according to how they feel at the moment, without thinking about what is right and wrong to do/ without thinking about consequences.

    Let’s look at her changing feelings and changing behavior during the call: she called you because she felt stressed about the other guy/ her love-interest (“She then called me and sounded a little stressed”)

    -> “she vented and told me…”, venting is a behavior and it relieved her stress, made her feel better -> she feels even better, “laughed and joked”

    -> feeling calmer and being in a good mood, she feels amorous/ sexual, and she flirts with you (you are now her love-interest)-> she offers you, “if you ever want to do fwb stuff or have some fun let me know”.

    Do you know her to be impulsive or is her recent impulsivity uncharacteristic of her?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
    #366930
    James15
    Participant

    She has always been like that, so I think she is impulsive. I woke up this morning to a text from her telling me the guy is now ghosting her and I told her I was sorry. She then FaceTimed me and she seemed really upset and vented to me about it. I’m not sure if she’s just using me when he’s not around or what the situation is.

    #366936
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James:

    We all use each other. The key is to  not use each other dishonestly or unfairly. When she calls you to vent about the other guy, she is using you to release her stress. You use her when you are bored and you contact her so to relieve your boredom. Here are two possible examples of dishonest and unfair using of each other:

    1. She is romantically interested in the other guy and not at all in you. She calls you to vent about him but flirts with you, not because she is interested in you, but because she wants you to be motivated to listen to her venting.

    2. You are interested in her romantically, but you tell her that you are not, you then give her your time and attention, pretending to  be interested only in friendship, but all along, you are waiting for her to have a bad day and give in to you romantically.

    anita

    #367312
    James15
    Participant

    Update and more advice requested:

    Since the last post here, the guy and her did not work out and it failed. She came to me and said she was sorry and told me I was right. Since then, our relationship has really blossomed. We’ve continued our friendship, our fwb, and she’s been flirting and getting a lot personal with me.

    However, today she came to me and told me there was a guy she knew irl who she had no romantic interest for but he asked her to start a fwb. She told me she was asking how I felt about it because we were doing it and she said “I care about you and I see us having an irl relationship and I wanted to see if you felt comfortable”. That was a shock to me. I’m really glad she communicated with and was honest. I told her I didn’t control her life, but it would make me feel uncomfortable, a little jealous, and I felt it would lead to problems. She seemed to be fine with what I said and seeemed nice after.

     

    Im really confused. Now at a time when our friendship was going pretty well, it seems like this could be a negative thing. I’m worried that this could hurt the trust between us, cause distance, or result in some issues.

    #367323
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James15:

    I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #367343
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James15:

    You shared that you have resumed a fwb long-distance relationship with a girl. She recently told you that she is considering a fwb irl relationship with a guy.

    “I’m really confused”, you wrote.  Can you explain to me what you are confused about, what is it that is not clear to you, in your mind?

    anita

    #367525
    James15
    Participant

    I’m sorry I’m just now getting back to this, It’s been a long week. Recently, everything has been going well, but we haven’t been able to talk as much because of school. However, this weekend we have talked some, texted, snapped, etc. This morning, she flirted over snap with me, we sexted some, and she even commented positive things about my appearance.

     

    However, one of my female friends messaged me and told me they saw on her “girl” story where she was hanging out with a guy and that she was figuring out what to wear for “the first time hanging out with this guy”. I know I cannot control her life, and I don’t want to, but it seems like she is jumping back and forth between me and this other guy. She was acting strange towards me yesterday, so I thought something was up.

     

    I’m not sure how to approach this anymore. Some friends have told me to do the No contact rule and limit my contact with her as much as possible in hopes of pulling her back. Others have said just to act normal like I don’t know. I feel like we’re losing communication, and she is possibly pursuing another relationship.

    #367535
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James15:

    I hope that in the near future you will look for higher quality relationships than the long distance sexting relationship with a girl you never met in real life. I hope that in a future relationship with a woman, the two of you will be honest with each other, communicate clearly, and do right by each other.

    I have nothing further to say about your topic here, and therefore this is my last reply to you on this thread. In the future, if you start a new thread on another topic, I will reply to you there.

    anita

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