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Husband is in love with someone else.

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  • July 24, 2018 at 6:00 pm #218595
    Twee
    Participant

    I want to fight to fight for our marriage. He’s inlove with someone else he met for just months and we’ve been together for 20 years. He’s 42 years old. We have 2 kids. And he said he’s inlove with her. But he’s also confused because he knows they can’t be together since she’s also not legally separated and has 2 kids. It’s hard to start over again when you’ve been with someone more than half of your life.

     

    July 24, 2018 at 6:52 pm #218603
    Mark
    Participant

    Falling out of love

    10 Reasons People Fall Out of Love

     

    What to do..

    https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-advice-marriage-therapists-give-couples-whove-fallen-out-of-love_us_5817799de4b0990edc32890c

     

    July 25, 2018 at 4:01 am #218639
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Twee:

    Does your husband know that the in-love feeling he has for this woman is not likely to last for the rest of his life, that it may change next month or next year?

    Does he know that it is possible to stay in a marriage without that in love feeling, that it may be good enough to like and appreciate your wife and make the best of life as is, married with two kids?

    anita

    July 25, 2018 at 7:03 am #218651
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Twee,

    This is what I would do. Keep in mind that I am not you. But if this resonates with you, go for it!

    Tell him that she hasn’t paid her dues into this marriage. And that he hasn’t paid his dues to leave it either. That you are NOT going to waste your money on a divorce lawyer. That you are going to stay married to him until the youngest leaves for college. THEN you will start divorce proceeding, and by the way, it will be less expensive regarding child support, spousal support, etc. You and/or he can save up money for your new life, etc. Whether the youngest is seventeen years old or one, your husband might go along with this. True love can wait, right??? The rules are: he has to spend nights in the house, and he can’t subject you and your children to the skanky hoe, I’m sorry, I mean his soul mate. This is best for the children.

    Meanwhile, make it awkward for her. Contact her husband. Tell him that you are taking a stand. This will give him permission to take a stand too. Hell, you can even become his new best friend to make it interesting. Tell everyone. Let it be awkward.

    This is what will (probably) happen: By the end of the True Love Can Wait period, he WILL fall out of love with her. The shaking heads of the neighbors. Her honorable husband (your new best friend). Her bratty kids. Her turning thirty/forty?/fifty??? and the inevitable decline of age. The love affair getting boring. YOU being easy, breezy and happy and looking better than ever. Your kids thriving (because their happiness counts more than his, sorry-not-sorry).

    Finally you will plan your Great Escape, looking fabulous. It’s one to seventeen years later. He begrudgingly thinks being married to you isn’t so bad after all. He walks up to the front door after dropping the youngest off at college. A strange man pulls up before he can open the door. He’s been served. He drives to the skanky hoe’s house for comfort. Sorry, I meant soulmate. Her bratty kids say that she’s out with Tom. Or was it Harry?

    Even his mistress dumps him.

    Good!

    Inky

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
    July 27, 2018 at 3:26 pm #219003
    Miss Midnight
    Participant

    Hi, Twee: Sounds like your husband’s having a mid life crisis.  He wants to be young again (Don’t we all?) and not only that, he’s confusing ‘in-love’ with real love. He wants all the excitement  and windswept romance of being young and in love. (Don’t we all?!) This is sometimes erroneously known as male menopause, but it’s a handy term. Two of my cousins went through this – your story and theirs is exactly the same. One cousin’s husband, at 45, broke up his marriage and family for a 17 year old schoolgirl (literally, she was still in school uniform) and guess what, he couldn’t even begin to keep up with all that teen energy.  He came crawling back to a closed door. The other cousin’s husband left her for someone his own age – his ‘soul-mate’ (Gods, that is the most over-used expression today, and totally meaningless) – he had a rip-roaring time for three months, then his town bike – er, soul mate found several other soul mates and he was O.U.T  – out! He also crawled back to a closed door, in the middle of winter, in the middle of the night, and sick as a dog with the flu. Melodramatic sounding, but true! My cousin told him to go and find a motel, plenty of them about…If you want to save your marriage, let him go. A paradox, but your other option is trying to make him stay and that’s going to be a bloody experience.  Let him go and let him find out about love.  Then you decide if you want him back in 3 or 6 months time when he’s had enough of his soul-mate.  You may find that you don’t want or need him back. It IS hard to start over again when you’ve been with someone for half your life – but it’s not impossible. Good luck.

    July 27, 2018 at 4:28 pm #219005
    Twee
    Participant

    Thank you guys. We’ve been separated for  3 months turning  4 months and Now, after scaring the  “Skanky Hoe” or Soulmate. Told her, I will report her to her work since she works for World Health. And added her mom in Facebook, so she gave up and he gave  up. And now he’s crawling back to me. He’s coming this August. We’ll see if it will work out.

    But I’m scared since my kids and I have routine, not sure how to act when he comes back. And of course, still wants to fix our marriage. I’m just getting anxious.

    July 27, 2018 at 6:15 pm #219013
    Mark
    Participant

    Twee,

    Go to counseling.  Time to find out what the core issue is and whether or not he is willing to really re-commit to the marriage.

     

    Mark

    July 28, 2018 at 3:13 am #219069
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Twee:

    You are welcome.

    You wrote that you scared away your husband’s girlfriend and he is now “crawling back” to you and the two of you will be reunited next month. Well, if he is crawling back, there could be a situation where he is the Guilty One and you are the Righteous One, he will from now on be in the one who is Wrong and you will be the one who is Right.

    If this was not the situation before, it may become this next. It will not lead to a good marriage. Better indeed, like Mark suggested, attend couple counseling where the two of you learn to treat each other with EAR, standing for Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect.

    anita

    July 29, 2018 at 11:48 am #219281
    Twee
    Participant

    Do you guys know any free counseling in Reno?

    July 29, 2018 at 5:26 pm #219303
    Mark
    Participant

    I googled “free marriage counseling”

    https://www.opencounseling.com/nevada/reno

    Some churches have minimally trained counselors as well.

    BTW I like that you told her that you will report her behavior to her work.

    Adding her mother to FB was brilliant!

     

    July 31, 2018 at 12:20 am #219565
    Twee
    Participant

    Thank you!!!

    July 31, 2018 at 5:07 am #219601
    Mark
    Participant

    You are welcome.

    Keep us informed on how things are going.

    Good luck.

    July 31, 2018 at 2:57 pm #219755
    True
    Participant

    Hi Twee. Can I ask if you are getting what you need out of all of this? I mean. It’s more than his needs and the kids needs. What do you need? Perhaps you need a faithful man that is a provider for your family. One you know only has your family’s best interest at heart. One that you can trust not to hurt you. Can your husband be that man? If he was in the past than maybe he can find his way back there. Maybe counseling would help. Be true to yourself and best wishes.

    September 8, 2018 at 12:23 pm #224719
    Twee
    Participant

    Hello, My husband is now here to end our 20 yr relationship. In July, when he decided to come here, they’re not together but they got back together few weeks before his flight so instead of fixing it. He has decided to end our relationship.  Yes, I’m now realizing. Do I really want this man in my life? He’s not feeling remorse for choosing her over the 3 of us. I have 2 girls – 4 and 7 years old. He knows his parents are disappointed and he said, he wants to pursue this relationship with her. I have read their messages to each other. My husband wants her to stay with him on 1 weeknight and 1 Sunday. They are neighbors. They can’t be together in 1 house because the girl has 2 kids and they don’t like their mom to live with another man other than their father.

    Anyways, He’s still here with us until end of September. Although I don’t know how to move on. If more than half of my life I’ve been with this man. But I have to since he claims he doesn’t love me anymore.

    Is it really possible their relationship will last???

     

    September 8, 2018 at 1:41 pm #224725
    Mark
    Participant

    Twee,

    The question is not “Is it really possible their relationship will last???” but “Where can I find a good divorce lawyer?”

    Plus kick him out of the house now and change the locks.

    Mark

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