Dear wingedmind:

What you are saying is that when you feel attached to a guy, and you quickly do, you get this rush in your brain to quickly solidify the attachment, make it secure via sex, marriage and baby. You fear losing the guy and you rush, in your thinking, to prevent losing him.

If you look at the history of your attachment to your parent/s, insight into that will help with your current challenge.

Would you like to examine that history here?

anita

Dear wingedmind:

I understood that you fantasize about sex, (having a baby and getting married), this is why I typed above that you “rush in your brain to solidify” the attachment you feel.

Before you start obsessing, you feel fear. Fear fuels the obsessing.

You feel attached to a guy, or you desire attachment to a guy. Then you feel fear, a fear imprinted in your memory from the time you were alone so often, away from your mother and father. That fear is triggered. The thinking part of your brain is now activated, trying to find a solution to the perceived danger:

You may be abandoned (danger)?

*Have a child and he will stay with you

* Get married and he will stay with you

* And have sex with him, this way he will feel attached to you (and you will make a baby)

Does this dynamic make sense to you?

anita

* Dear anonymous:

First you acknowledge the fear, you call it what it is, indicate when/where it started, when it became excessive. This is the Insight part.

Then you manage fear: you recognize when you feel it (the sensation/s), you pay attention when you sense it. You call it what it is. You take deep breaths, calm yourself. You pay attention where you feel it in the body and pay attention to it, feel where it feels and what it feels like (heaviness in chest, feeling like vomiting are examples of what some feel), then you observe it changing, pay attention how the ex. heaviness changes.

You learn that the fear will not kill you, that it is not dangerous. It only feels dangerous. But it is not. After all you felt it so often and lived to tell about it.

You learn that you can endure it, tolerate it. You are not so scared of it. You learn, over time, to not react to it automatically, rushing to relieve it in self destructive ways.

Over time, paying attention, also called Mindfulness, you develop this skill. It is a skill, described above.

You persist, being gentle and patient with yourself, regularly calming yourself, meditating while sitting, lying down, walking, working… all the time, paying attention to your body, your mind, your environment.

You get down from your thinking head to your body, feel the emotions there instead of obsessing.

anita

I have been known to feel this way also, and I know now to chill out because I did rush into marriage and ended up regretting that I settled down. The worst part for me now is thinking I’m ready for marriage again even though it’s only been a year since I left my husband. I get frustrated when I know the guy can commit but it isn’t happening with me. For example, my bf was engaged before but we don’t discuss marriage yet. I want to be laid back and enjoy myself but my mind is constantly racing. Definitely turn to your friends and hobbies and just relax. It is a lot more difficult to get out of a situation once u have marriage and kids. Keep in mind you really want to get to know the person and know how they act in the long term. I know it can feel like you want to prove yourself good enough, but your partner should also be good enough for you!