June 18, 2017 at 4:18 am #153826
I don’t know where to start and I don’t want to ramble on too much.
I was in a 5 year relationship, that my ex blindsided me and ended just before Christmas last year. I gave up my life and plan to support him; he was in medical school, failed and went back again to start again in another country. I did not support this but stood by him because I loved him. On top of this he is 34 and last year I was 35, so it’s a mess, I thought I would be married with children and a family by now which has been my dream. I told him from the very beginning what I wanted and we were on the same page, I made a painful decision to stand by him through the medical school and the depression he suffers from because I knew when he passed university we would be together and have the better life we talked about.
I am working, I have my degree and a flat so my life was together; it was just him I was waiting on. Fast forward to last December where he dumped me when I mentioned that I would like to move our relationship further, I knew I’m 36 the next year and he has not proposed or talked about kids, I know he is busy studying but I was sad that I wasn’t having what I dreamt of, plenty of people get married or have kids when studying why couldn’t I?
Well the conversation went badly, he text me that he doesn’t even know if he loves me as a partner should and he doesn’t want kids or to marry me, contrary to all we had planned over 5 years. This killed me and has put me in a depression. He never spoke to me face to face and we have not had closure, literally ignored me.
I feel old, hopeless fat and ugly. I put on over 3 stones during the relationship, I was already big to begin with but I tipped 260 pounds ! Coincidently in November I joined a weight loss group because I thought I should lose weight to prepare for having a child in the next couple of years and he now took this away from me.
I have lost 30 pounds now but I’m so lonely, I feel no one wants me to be a girlfriend or wife. I may have prematurely jumped into online dating this year, only men I’m not attracted to write to me, then I get others who are obsessed with the size of my boobs and make inappropriate comments, some say I’m so beautiful or hot or flatter me and I fall for it only to find out that these men clearly just want to have sex with me only, others say they just want fun, it’s just made me feel so worthless, and I believe because I am fat this is why I can only attract these men, this is another reason I have tried to stick with this diet to get as slim s possible to give me the chance to experience life as a slim women as I think I would have better opportunities?
But I don’t know if my thinking I wrong.
I have an ex from 10 years ago that popped back in my life this year just after my break up, deep down I always wanted to be with him but we saw each briefly before he went to work abroad, we barely kept in touch, he came back this year for a few weeks to set himself up for when he is coming back to the UK permanently but we have met a few times this year and to be honest it’s sex and a nice evening together , I think I might be fooling myself that he would want more, i don’t know as he is always stressed out with his work and sick mum and flying between countries but I can't stop thinking about him, he is evasive but we have some kind of connection that I found hard to leave, only time I left him alone was when I fully committed myself to the 5 year relationship I was in.
How can I get him to see me as more than sex? Is it possible?
Or as my work colleagues and everyone else i have recently been unloading my problems to say, I should move on and find someone else but I feel I’m in this endless circle where I meet the same guys as I mentioned before and nobody values me enough to want to get to know me, and I think its because of my size and my race because I’m black and attracted to white guys ( the heart wants what the heart wants unfortunately for me) and that a problem anyway to find the ones that are into black women.
I feel like giving up on life, I said to myself if lose 60 pounds by this Christmas and still can’t find a man to truly love me and want to be with me then what is the point of live as I’m not living I am existing, working every day paying bills, I have no friends, I go nowhere , even on this hot Sunday I’m stuck at home with nowhere to go, my only girlfriend is unemployed and always can’t go to bars to holidays or anything because of her situation, even yesterday cancelling on me because she let unwell, so I sat him in the sunshine watching people enjoying their lives from my window, I know it sounds cold but it’s just how I felt, only and alone and depressed..
I tried joining meet up groups and met no one, I tried online friendship websites but everyone is laid back or doesn’t reply mails so no progress is made, I’m not sporty i tried netball a few months but I was overweight and unfit and we don’t socialise after the game so i gave up on it, now i lost some weight I’m considering going back to it.
My problems is in summary :
How can i make new friends actually strategies i should use
I am literally ignored in the street men don’t even glance at me, i thought online would help me but it has hurt me i feel used by men that want sex and i mistake it from them actually liking me as a person.
there is so much choice of beautiful slim women here i cannot compete , i never could even in my 20s i didn’t have an actual relationship as men again weren’t interested in me only for sex.
i know i sound tragic and really feeling sorry for myself here, this is just how i feel and have done this whole year. 🙁
sorry for the long post i hope it makes senseJune 18, 2017 at 6:19 am #153830
There are multiple items in your thread: the breakup of last December, the other guy, online dating, lack of friends, age, childbearing, weight, race. First thing I want to do in my reply to you is go to the Serenity Prayer. I am not religious, so I start it with: “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
The things you cannot change:
1) your current weight. Whatever it is currently, you cannot change it at this moment, and you cannot change it significantly by tomorrow or next week. Losing weight and maintaining a desired weight is a long term process involving changes in thinking, managing emotions and changing habits.
2) your current single status and having no viable candidates, currently, for a romantic relationship that may lead to marriage and children. Your ex doesn't read like one, neither does the other guy. Some women never get married and never have children. This may be your reality. Maybe not. But accept the possibility with as much calm as possible will benefit you. Paradoxically, calm with the possibility will increase your chances of getting married and having children.
Things you can change:
1) your weight, over time. If you want to, not for the sole purpose of causing men to be attracted to you. There are plenty of thin or thinner women (of any race) who are unhappily single, men not being attracted to them. (Weight in the context of relationships is not The Solution to having a relationship and life is not easy sailing once a person loses weight). This may be a worthy goal for you, involving diet, exercise, meditation, a new lifestyle.
2) you can stop seeing the other guy because you are not interested in that kind of a relationship. You are interested in marriage and children, so aim only at men who are interested in the same and don't waste your time (however much of it you have, outside of work) on men who are not clearly and sincerely interested in the same. You don't have to make do with any man just because a desired man is not present or available.
What do you think/feel about my input so far?
anitaJune 18, 2017 at 7:34 am #153832
I am not sure If you go to church, you didn't mention that in your post. But I too, have had alot of problems meeting men. Dating, no matter how tall, short, skinny, overweight, young, old is difficult and complicated period. Add that onto, everyone seems like they don't want face to face interaction anymore, so making new friends is very hard, because of technology.
Everyone is busy on their smartphones texting. I went to an espresso shop the other day, I live in a small town and it's all married people and hallelujah!! There were two cute men sitting together, one looked at me and said “Hi beautiful”.. I was so in shock I did not know what to do, but there was really nothing because they were busy playing chess on their smartphones and were not interested in talking to anyone.
What I am saying is please don't take it personally. It is unfortunately the times we live in. How, I wish we could go back to the 70's or 80′ with no cell phones where people wanted friends and human companionship. I know of many great looking thin people who are single and have a tough time and lonely too.
I know some of my friends have met their spouses through Christian singles dances, or bible study. Many of these men are very nice, are not into games and want a committed relationship. Another idea, what about a book club? That's a great way to meet nice people, or start your own group at your house, or even volunteer at an animal shelter, so many nice people There. Just some suggestions. Please don't be hard on yourself. You are closer than you think. God has great things in store for you. Keep us posted.June 18, 2017 at 12:58 pm #153860
Maybe instead of focusing on wanting to make new friends (which you can always try to do!) you can instead start focusing on yourself so that you love to be alone. It doesn't matter if you are fat, or black. You can always love yourself. I like to make a list of things about myself that I want to change or improve, and then to create steps or strategies I can take toward achieving that goal. And then go out and take the first step! Appreciate the ability to be able to get better, to move forward.
Depression is often a sign that you are not letting go of something that you should be moving on from. If it is your ex-boyfriend that is making you depressed and preventing you from moving on, I often like to focus on the things they do that we usually block to make the person into someone better than they actually are, our idealization of them. Focusing on these instead of pining after the things you miss can help you start to move forward. Sometimes moving forward may be gradual, and sometimes it may seem so rapid it is overwhelming. But it is important that we try not to look back at things we cannot change. Instead, as Anita wrote, focus on the things you can control. And I think you may find more positive changes you begin to make in yourself the more the more other people will want to be around you.
Also, I just want to suggest perhaps focusing on other people instead of yourself. I only started to move forward from some issues that were holding me back when I started to trying to help other people. You say you have one girlfriend. What can you to help her? Or is there someone at work you can do a nice thing for? As the Dalai Lama XIV said, “We are visitors on this planet. We are here for one hundred years at the very most. During that period we must try to do something good, something useful, with our lives. If you contribute to other people's happiness, you will find the true meaning of life.”June 18, 2017 at 4:19 pm #153882
I wanted to mention something that I forgot in my previous response to you. You stated that you have worked on yourself, obtained your degree. You just had your Break-up six months ago, and your relationship was for several years. I do not suggest you sit home alone, because you will think about the past, the memories and him. I feel being alone just after a relationship ends only makes us more miserable.
Try to keep busy, even if you don't feel like it. You can always go back to working on yourself later, although, it sounds like you already have it all together. Go out, even if it's by yourself, (maybe to a dog park where there are lots of cute men?) (smile)..or try volunteering, book-club, YMCA, anything, but don't coop yourself up alone with sad thoughts. Keep us posted.June 20, 2017 at 8:47 am #154210
Just wondering if you are feeling any better and how things are going for you. I hope you will stay in touch..June 22, 2017 at 11:23 am #154562
thank you for your reply, I have been feeling very low and wasn't up to doing much this week.
I hadn't heard of the Serenity Prayer.thank you for posting it, as it is very comforting and actually i agree that I need to have the courage to accept what I can't change and change the things I can. It all sounds so simple yet seems like a huge mental task for me.
The weightloss issue of mine is something that unfortunately take a long time to conquer. When i'm feeling low and lonely or have bad news i have to really fight to refrain from seeking comfort in junk food, because i feel horrible about my actions after eating this rubbish, i also go to weightwatchers and i usually have been losing weight steadily, but on these blowout out days if i put on weight i hate myself as i committed to follow this diet to improve my health and body.
I agree that i should stop seeing the long term ex of mine. This again is hard as in the back of my mind i'm wishing him to realise how good we could be together and also for him to value me. I don't know why i'm so focused on him to the point i dream about him alot, dream about him texting me, i even dreamt he was out for drinks with female work colleagues and i was so jealous in the dream, when i woke up i was feeling really angry and jealous as if this had really happened! this is a totally ridiculous thing for me to have done, i know that.
I guess because i'm in a panic right now i find it hard to totally take on board what you said about not just making do with any man because i cant get the one i want. My self worth must be at an all time low. I know life just isnt fair and nobody said it would be, i just feel so tired of it and would love just 1 thing that i want e.g. a family of my own to just work out for me.
Thanks so much AnitaJune 22, 2017 at 11:38 am #154566
thank you for your messgages, I have been feeling pretty rubbish the whole week so couldn't reply.
I really appreciate your suggestions, i do spend alot of time alone at home and i hate it, as i do keep thinking about my breakup, mostly beating myself up about why i wasn't strong enough to dump him years ago, why i felt i couldn't do better and why i'm alone with no family at 36 when i never dreamt this would be my current situation. I have looked into meetup groups, to make friends, i went to one girls drinks but it never worked out, i think i may come across as over friendly/or extra needy too, because a few weeks ago a new girl joined our office, i got on with her really well, she is Irish and i mentioned i want to visit there, i tried to suggest we should go out for drinks after work, she said yes but nothing has happened, we have a good old gossip at work but i think maybe im reeking of desperation or something which in truth i am desperate as i don't want to sit home getting more bitter everyday because i have zero social life haha. i really am a fun girl, and love to joke and my 1 girlfriend and i have a good time together when she can afford to come out with me, if she had a job and her life together i would be more satisfied with her as a friend as her financial situation hold me back from having the other life experiences i want (that might sound a bit rude )
I am religious actually, i would love to meet like minded Christians for friendships/dating but no luck so far.
I also wish it was more like the 80s even the 90s as dating and friends was just easier to do. I guess i can be doom and gloom and its hard for me to see any positivity or optimism about my future. Prayer is supposed to help, i have tried but its something i want to actually commit to properly as i can't believe this is my lot in life.
Thank you for your optimism and wise words, i appreciate it ElianaJune 22, 2017 at 11:49 am #154568
thank you for your reply.
Yes you are right i can always love myself, I thought I did but actually i don't through the actions and thoughts i have.
I like the way you make a list with strategies on how to change for improve yourself. Weightloss is one thing i want o do but i think there are more things i can improve on.
I agree that moving forward can be gradual, i would hope by this time next year i'm not feeling the way I feel today, however it might take longer too.
I think whats making me depressed is loneliness, feeling i have wasted my life so far as I have made zero progress on anything worthwhile, putting my trust in someone and accepting situations others would run from, wanting a man that obviously doesn't want me in the same way but i can't bring myself to admit it or leave him alone, these things trouble me and go around in my head everyday that i find i hard to concentrate at work and on top of that would love to have friends to talk to about my feelings and to laugh with and essentially enjoy my life, rather then it seems i'm on a an endless road with no turnings to get off.
Thank for your kind thoughts MarkJune 22, 2017 at 12:17 pm #154570
You are very welcome. I know how difficult it is to change habits so ingrained in the brain. I struggle with a lifetime of overeating myself. I went as far as developing anorexia at the age of forty so to undo weight gain of five years, at that point. I succeeded but at a very high price of incredible anxiety (not recommended!)
Yes, I know how difficult it is. Last evening I ate only three small pieces of a chicken dish after my vegetables, what a pleasure it was to eat just a little of something, made me feel very good. The next morning, the overeating is pushing its way through, as it does every day.
It takes an incredible amount of patience and perseverance. It is working for me very, very… slowly.
I also understand being focused on a person who is not good for you- our emotions, despair, when intense, are very powerful. And when we feel powerless to withstand distress, we do whatever needs to be done to feel better, quickly, any which way.
I call the kind of patience it takes to change ineffective and/ or destructive habits, I call that kind of patience “excruciating patience”-because that is what it takes. That and gentleness with oneself. When you feel horrible and hating yourself when you eat junk food, that is not being gentle with yourself. I am still practicing this (with … excruciating patience), practicing empathy for myself instead of being critical and angry at myself.
I had this self-empathetic thought recently regarding the origin of my overeating habit: I suffered so much in life, no wonder I got attached to something sweet, something tasting good. I sure needed a break from my ongoing misery and distress.
It is empathy that will work for you, for the purpose of acting for your benefit, NOT self disapproval, anger and hate.
I hope to read more of your thoughts and feelings any time you are inclined to share them.
anitaJune 22, 2017 at 5:37 pm #154606
You're welcome. I hope you are feeling a bit better? Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I too, have no family. I live in a small city by myself. I only have two friends, if you can even call it that. One friend, lives in housing (for the disabled) with me. We go out maybe once, if we are lucky twice a month. Like me, she is on disability and only works part time, so neither of us have money to do much.
The other girl is another resident who lives here. She is Bi-polar, and it is hard to get her to focus on one on one conversation. So we just watch movies every two weeks. My father..last of my family passed in 2008. I lost my beloved cats when I filed for disability. I don't smoke, but sometimes, just to have someone, anyone to talk to, I will sit outside with the smokers at the picnic tables and have small talk. I grew up around smokers, so cigarettes don't bother me.
My other two friends live in Florida, but after I went on Disability, they call me maybe once every six months. I have no car. So, I too suffer from extreme loneliness and isolation.
Then one day, I got tired of thinking and obsessing about the “if only's' with this man I fell in love with online. I thought about him night and day. Probably because I was stuck in a rut and had nothing else to think about.
So, I thought, what is it I like and am passionate about? Well..I like to help people, so I get on here, and Quora and other forums and help people. I am also heavily involved with animal rescue, welfare, etc. I guess that is what keeps me going. Try to see what you are passionate about, and throw your heart and soul in it, and you will find the loneliness and that guy not on your mind so much. Keep us posted.June 23, 2017 at 9:30 am #154692
I think the thing to do is look forward. You don't have to keep holding on to the past. You don't have to hold on to this image of yourself. You could even forget about yourself. Focus on what you love and hope. You are only 36. You still have so long to meet someone to spend your life with.
If you are having trouble concentrating mindful meditation can really improve your focus. I think the trick is continuous stretches of sound. When we are actively listening we are present, but when stop listening we tend to sink into our own worlds, and if we don't like ourselves, those worlds can become very dark. Try to find more ways to shine more light into that world. Awareness helps to do that.
Also, I wanted to suggest maybe going to churches and sort of “scoping out” the church for potential friends or partners. I know a lot of churches have those after-mass get together or monthly dinners. Even if you don't meet a friend or partner, maybe someone will can introduce you to someone who would be a good match.