Hi t,

I just came across your post and though its been a while since it was created, I just wanted to share what seems to help me with getting through my days with less suffering from a loss that sounds similar to yours.

For me, the most effective practice has been to practice loving myself and taking care of myself. Meditating, focusing on the good, constantly reassuring myself that my feelings are okay, treating myself like I would someone I’m in love with (like I’m dating myself). I have a hard time sticking with it on w I start feeling better, but I know when I’m not because then I start to have those feelings of lack/something’s wrong.

For the days when it all seems too much to bear and it feels like you can’t get a grip and your outlook seems hopeless, I practice tonglen. Breathing in the pain of the world (mine and all those suffering in the world from broken hearts and lost love) and breathing out peace or love or healing. For me, it helps to think of healing others, maybe it gets my focus away from myself.

These things, along with a nightly gratitude list before bed, getting out in nature, connecting with others on tinybuddha forums and sharing me feelings, as well as a constant reminder that all we have is the present moment and these feelings will pass help me to get through.

Most of all just knowing whatever I feel is okay. And please don’t label-I’ll never move on/get over it. It may feel like that, but nothing is permanent or guaranteed. Maybe you could try change that statement to “I’ll never stop loving her”. Maybe even try sending that love out to her or someone else so that it doesn’t feel stifled. Best is to send it to your own heart. 🙂

Thank you for sharing. Writing to you helps me, too! Sending you lots of love and peace.

Sorry, that was for @ruby12

Hey, @sandyone. I haven’t seen @stayingstrong for a while now. We’ve all been quite busy presumably, perhaps even healing 🙂 I’d love to talk to him if he ever comes back on.

Just to clarify, she’d act exactly like your Ex, but this time she’d love you as much as you love her, or maybe a tiny bit less, or maybe more. Or she could be a little fickle. She’s a robot, she can be programed any way you want, any time you want. Also, say she was an 8.5 on a scale of one to 10 . You could tweak her looks up to 8.7, or all the way to 10 …. maybe it’s best to keep her exactly like the original, or maybe an upgrade wouldn’t hurt. You could always change her back.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Kevin.

Hello,

I am definitely in this boat. I have learned a couple things though in the process of losing a great love and friend. I stress “Friend” because this woman became my close friend too and that in itself creates a combo-problem.

When we doom ourselves by saying “I will never get over it,” maybe this screws us by locking in the state of mind? The thoughts can feel very uncontrollable. We feel chased by them and become a victim of our own minds. Therapists and family have both told me that I am in control of the thoughts. Sometimes I just cant get a hold of this concept. I have dreams about her, I see reminders all the time, I make connections. It feels very automatic and not controllable.

Though, it is better to fill your mind with new memories and activities, it will at least help to bury it down. I know, it does resurface. Some days are better than others, maybe your days are consistently awful. I manage to have good days, sometimes. I have bad weeks, bad streaks of days. Of course, we will never forget the person. We will wish it worked out, or maybe we wont? Maybe there is a person who is that much greater and you will feel relieved to be available and met her. Its all possible but sometimes it is difficult to stay optimistic and positive, especially when you are lonely. The sickness manages to creep in during certain moments.

Sometimes I have these crazy hollywood ideas that are actually-crazy. I wanted to buy a ring for my ex and keep it under glass, awaiting her return. If she didnt return, then it would remain there, locking away any chances of me being with someone else. Kind of like reserving yourself for the rest of your life. I can function just fine in my life, at work, etc, but my love life would be locked away. Do I really want to demolish any chances of meeting another person? I know my ex is “one of a kind” just like everyone in the world. There are not any copies, thats the only one. I struggle with that concept because someone else, also one of a kind, could be out there for me and I for her.

We just have to keep moving in this ocean. We tend to anchor and stop, too tired to sail on, even within a storm.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Anthony.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Anthony.

Hi T. I was going to write a similar post but just reading all the replies here is quite comforting : )
I’m 23 and had a similar relationship with my ex starting at 16 and has finally come to the end of him stopping all contact after a couple of years of dragging out the break up/ make up torture. I think you are very sensitive like me from what I’ve read and I also know that’s great to know but it still hurts like wow. Its like torture because all you can do is think about the past and crave it like your starving and then you let yourself think about it and imagine if things had gone differently – that’s my worst its like the thought of them is my comfort, just remembering how it felt like I was at home when I was with him. He’s recently moved on to a new city and a new business and another girl, however serious I don’t know. I just can’t imagine being able to let him go and completely let go of the thought of us being together forever go because that’s all I feel like I’ve based my life on. I feel like I’m wasting time not being with him. Thanks for sharing T it does make me feel a little better that I’m not the only one in the world with a broken heart. I’m so jealous of his life too. Its terrible.
Tuesday x

It is just a phase in life and no matter how much it hurts keep going on with what you are – and no matter how wise you are the pain is exponential which cant let you think – take it in this way endurance to pain rather than getting over her – no one gets over one the they loved – they just find some else to hold on to – this cycle is never ending – you can neither stop loving nor stop getting hurt – so have strength to endure the situations. That’s what all i can say.

You have to consciously decide to let go of the bad. She cheated on you, therefore no longer cared about or respected you. She lied to you. Therefore her emotions and security were more important to her than yours were.
You have to ask yourself, is someone who loves their self above all else and doesn’t care about the pain they cause me worth my lobe and unending commitment?
You don’t need to hate her, by any means. But she doesn’t deserve the pedestal you put her on. The girl you fell in love with doesn’t exist any longer, and no longer will. But that doesn’t mean someone similar and better isn’t out there.
Move on, and try your hardest to consciously forget about her.