hi everyone. this is my first time writing on a forum for relationships. I hope everyone is doing well.

This is really too long of a story so it will be quite long. I am currently 25 yrs old and in an exclusive healthy 1 1/2 year long relationship with a spectacular human being. We met in an alcohol recovery program about 4 years ago, which is the time I started dating my ex. So she knew her. after my ex and I broke up I went about a year period where i was single, I felt that I wasnt over her. More than that I loved her very deeply and it was difficult to find another partner because not a day went by that i didnt think about my ex and I wasnt sure that I wanted to. Its hard to explain. in unhealthy relationships that have ended I have felt that I wasnt over the partner but it was unhealthy and it took some time to recognize it but alas I did and took the necessary steps to no longer think about this person because my attachment wasnt good for me or any potential future partner that was really into me. forward real quick to my current gf. So I went about a year occasionally trying to date other people that I thought were decent or respectable and it led to me sleeping with two people who quite frankly five minutes into it I felt depressed and couldnt finish. so I finished with alternative measures. my current gf sent me a fb message one day asking to hang and since then we have been inseparable. at first it was just a couple weeks. we were always laughing with each other and we made eachother feel cared about and respected and valued. it was nice after being single or two timed which did happen once while tryin to date other people. Also I went about two years missing my ex before going two weeks without thinking about her with my current gf so I decided to ask her out. I thought she was the one. I thought that if this person could make me laugh this way and not think about my ex maybe she was the one. about three months into the relationship I felt that as if my emotions for my current gf were fading or like we were sorta growing apart so I tried doing things that sparked the relationship, went out more, surprised her with traveling, etc. and it was fun but it didnt quite work. So i didnt know what to do about the whole thing. had me in a loop for about a week and she was catching on. She started asking me about my mood more and asking if I was okay more frequently so I told her that I was dealing with some personal things at the moment and that I would talk to her about it later but that at the moment I really wasnt feeling up to it. ………..and heres where it gets kind of ugly……..

So im driving myself to work one day and a song came on the radio that made me think of my ex. I changed the station but quickly turned back to it. I realized that it was evident that I still had emotions for my ex at the time. thinking about her brought me peace and a sort of calm that morning but it came accomopanied with a sense of elation as well. then I instantly felt that I missed her. when I remembered that I had a gf i started feeling terrible about the whole thing and it made for a terrible work day. I thought about it all night and when I got to work the next morning I was crazy and stupid enough to write my ex. to which she instantly replied informing me that my gf would not be happy with the fact that I was writing my ex. she told me that the guy she was dating when we last spoke (because we occasionally texted for about four months before I got with my current gf and my ex had informed me that she was dealing with some issues herself and couldnt get into a relationship right now. about three months after hearing that she found a new partner and I left her alone) had cheated on her and it was terrible and she didnt want me to do my gf like that. she told me that i was in charge of my happiness. that only I could make myself happy. so I told her that I was sorry for writing her and that she was right and we hadnt spoken since. that day when I got home my gf and I got into a fight in which she broke up with me and said that she wanted to go back home and commit suicide. she was very emotional and I was worried for her and I knew that what I was doing wasnt healthy. I wrote my ex that one time in my relationship and havent since. I didnt like how hurt my gf was, it tore me up inside and I slowly started to develop different emotions for her. I felt that I was falling in love with her. everything was fine for an entire year after that ,to cut the other stuff short, until it started happening again. Somehow I was thinking about my ex again. this started about two months ago. I wonder now if something is wrong with me. here’s the kicker…..

i came upon my gf’s facebook people search history(snooping-not proud of it at all) and I noticed that since november of last year she has been searching me and my ex gf and one of the other girls i was seeing. she has been searching them and myself up until august 10th. she searches sometimes every day for my ex, just goes on her profile, then goes to mine i assumed when I first found out. I decided to talk to her about since it was concerning me. She explained that she was checking because she didnt know if i was writing her or if me and her were somehow communicating or seeing eachother. I assured her that it wasnt the case and expressed how mistrusted I felt in the relationship. LOng story short, we argued about it and she told me she wanted to break up so when I told her that if thats what she wanted then we could do that. we both felt terrible about what just happened between us but she kept on walking towards the door then turns around to tell me how she doesnt think that I love her because I just let her break up with me and didnt stop her and she explained that what I had told her months into our relationship( that i didnt believe in breaks because it always meant it was over, someone else was just trying to soften the blow per say) is how she felt and she felt that i was letting her go. secretly yes, because on the inside I felt my feelings for start to go away and I cant explain why.

but i didnt tell her that. and we got back together because i couldnt stand to see her their suffering. But here I am two days later…..wishing I would have just let her go. I realize every day that passes that this is not fair to her. Whether its a thing im going thru or I really am not over my ex, my current gf doesnt deserve this. she is true to me and she deserves someone who will be true to her. I have been true to her, with the exceptions of what I mentioned in the above text. I ask myself what if my ex doesnt feel the same way or it doesnt work out and I throw away something good. I do realize though that I am not happy and even if I dont get back with my ex, this isnt fair to my current partner and I dont want to be with someone and be thinking about someone else. I just cant do it.