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I am not over her

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)
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  • #164974
    noah
    Participant

    hi everyone. this is my first time writing on a forum for relationships. I hope everyone is doing well.

    This is really too long of a story so it will be quite long. I am currently 25 yrs old and in an exclusive healthy 1 1/2 year long relationship with a spectacular human being. We met in an alcohol recovery program about 4 years ago, which is the time I started dating my ex. So she knew her. after my ex and I broke up I went about a year period where i was single, I felt that I wasnt over her. More than that I loved her very deeply and it was difficult to find another partner because not a day went by that i didnt think about my ex and I wasnt sure that I wanted to. Its hard to explain. in unhealthy relationships that have ended I have felt that I wasnt over the partner but it was unhealthy and it took some time to recognize it but alas I did and took the necessary steps to no longer think about this person because my attachment wasnt good for me or any potential future partner that was really into me. forward real quick to my current gf. So I went about a year occasionally trying to date other people that I thought were decent or respectable and it led to me sleeping with two people who quite frankly five minutes into it I felt depressed and couldnt finish. so I finished with alternative measures. my current gf sent me a fb message one day asking to hang and since then we have been inseparable. at first it was just a couple weeks. we were always laughing with each other and we made eachother feel cared about and respected and valued. it was nice after being single or two timed which did happen once while tryin to date other people. Also I went about two years missing my ex before going two weeks without thinking about her with my current gf so I decided to ask her out. I thought she was the one. I thought that if this person could make me laugh this way and not think about my ex maybe she was the one. about three months into the relationship I felt that as if my emotions for my current gf were fading or like we were sorta growing apart so I tried doing things that sparked the relationship, went out more, surprised her with traveling, etc. and it was fun but it didnt quite work. So i didnt know what to do about the whole thing. had me in a loop for about a week and she was catching on. She started asking me about my mood more and asking if I was okay more frequently so I told her that I was dealing with some personal things at the moment and that I would talk to her about it later but that at the moment I really wasnt feeling up to it. ………..and heres where it gets kind of ugly……..

     

    So im driving myself to work one day and a song came on the radio that made me think of my ex. I changed the station but quickly turned back to it. I realized that it was evident that I still had emotions for my ex at the time. thinking about her brought me peace and a sort of calm that morning but it came accomopanied with a sense of elation as well. then I instantly felt that I missed her. when I remembered that I had a gf i started feeling terrible about the whole thing and it made for a terrible work day. I thought about it all night and when I got to work the next morning I was crazy and stupid enough to write my ex. to which she instantly replied informing me that my gf would not be happy with the fact that I was writing my ex. she told me that the guy she was dating when we last spoke (because we occasionally texted for about four months before I got with my current gf and my ex had informed me that she was dealing with some issues herself and couldnt get into a relationship right now. about three months after hearing that she found a new partner and I left her alone) had cheated on her and it was terrible and she didnt want me to do my gf like that. she told me that i was in charge of my happiness. that only I could make myself happy. so I told her that I was sorry for writing her and that she was right and we hadnt spoken since. that day when I got home my gf and I got into a fight in which she broke up with me and said that she wanted to go back home and commit suicide. she was very emotional and I was worried for her and I knew that what I was doing wasnt healthy. I wrote my ex that one time in my relationship and havent since. I didnt like how hurt my gf was, it tore me up inside and I slowly started to develop different emotions for her. I felt that I was falling in love with her. everything was fine for an entire year after that ,to cut the other stuff short, until it started happening again. Somehow I was thinking about my ex again. this started about two months ago. I wonder now if something is wrong with me. here’s the kicker…..

    i came upon my gf’s facebook people search history(snooping-not proud of it at all) and I noticed that since november of last year she has been searching me and my ex gf and one of the other girls i was seeing. she has been searching them and myself up until august 10th. she searches sometimes every day for my ex, just goes on her profile, then goes to mine i assumed when I first found out. I decided to talk to her about since it was concerning me. She explained that she was checking because she didnt know if i was writing her or if me and her were somehow communicating or seeing eachother. I assured her that it wasnt the case and expressed how mistrusted I felt in the relationship. LOng story short, we argued about it and she told me she wanted to break up so when I told her that if thats what she wanted then we could do that. we both felt terrible about what just happened between us but she kept on walking towards the door then turns around to tell me how she doesnt think that I love her because I just let her break up with me and didnt stop her and she explained that what I had told her months into our relationship( that i didnt believe in breaks because it always meant it was over, someone else was just trying to soften the blow per say) is how she felt and she felt that i was letting her go. secretly yes, because on the inside I felt my feelings for start to go away and I cant explain why.

    but i didnt tell her that. and we got back together because i couldnt stand to see her their suffering. But here I am two days later…..wishing I would have just let her go. I realize every day that passes that this is not fair to her. Whether its a thing im going thru or I really am not over my ex, my current gf doesnt deserve this. she is true to me and she deserves someone who will be true to her. I have been true to her, with the exceptions of what I mentioned in the above text. I ask myself what if my ex doesnt feel the same way or it doesnt work out and I throw away something good. I do realize though that I am not happy and even if I dont get back with my ex, this isnt fair to my current partner and I dont want to be with someone and be thinking about someone else. I just cant do it.

     

     

    #164998
    Peter
    Participant

    “In racing, they say that your car goes where your eyes go. The driver who cannot tear his eyes away from the wall as he spins out of control will meet that wall; the driver who looks down the track as he feels his tires break free will regain control of his vehicle.”― Garth Stein, The Art of Racing in the Rain

    When we re-visit past relationships, we tend to be selective about which memories our “eyes” go to.

    “Inside each of us resides the truth. But sometimes the truth is hidden in a hall of mirrors. Sometimes we believe we are viewing the real thing, when in fact we are viewing a facsimile, a distortion.” ― Garth Stein

    There is always unfinished work when a relationship ends, perhaps even a reason that the relationship ended. When we struggle with a current relationship it is not uncommon to return to the past, if unconsciously, to work out what is happening in the present.

    The task is to make the unconscious conscious. What was it in the past relationship that was positive for you and what was experienced as a negative? Are you projecting anything that happened into the past into the present relationship? What lessons have you learned about yourself and which ones are you avoiding? Are you driving towards where you want to go or are you looking at what your afraid you might hit?

    “We had a good run, and now it’s over; what’s wrong with that?”― Garth Stein

    #165008
    Peter
    Participant

    You might find the following book helpful

    How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo

    “Most people think of love as a feeling,” says David Richo, “but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present.”

    #165132
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear noah:

    You started your post with “I am currently 25 yrs old and in an exclusive healthy 1 1/2 year long relationship”- but what you described in the rest of your thread is not a healthy relationship.

    It is not a healthy relationship because you, for one, don’t want to be in it, really. Because she has been following your and your ex Facebook accounts for communication between the two of you. Because she threatened suicide in the context of the relationship. Because you “expressed how mistrusted I felt in the relationship” to her and indeed you are not worthy of trust as far as contacting your ex.

    For a relationship to be healthy the two individuals in it need to pursue mental health individually and together. I didn’t read indications that it has been the case…?

    anita

    #165192
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Noah,

    I think I’m some way, you need to have some closure with your ex, whether it is finding out what truly happened to spur the relationship. I also feel in a way, you and perhaps your ex, maybe there might be some reconciliation. I think that is why you continue to think about her after all this time. Maybe what you need is closure.

    #165592
    noah
    Participant

    Dear Peter

    Thank you for your input.

    You asked me what I experienced that was positive in the relationship and what I felt were negative experiences.

    I learned to love myself for who I am, to accept myself with all my flaws and who and what I am in the moment as well as love others as they are.  I learned that just because someone loves differently than you doesnt mean that they don’t love you. Everyone is different. I learned that people can forgive but that doesnt necessarily mean they will forget. I learned that love is unconditional and understanding. I learned that love is not just a feeling, it is a commitment, and dedication. It is perseverant. I learned that true love holds no record of wrong.You see the other persons flaws but you dont hold them against them.Although If I have to love you from a distance because that is what we both need at the time then I will do that. Because I feel that is what love is. I learned to be honest with myself and others, especially my so. I learned integrity.

    I entered this relationship with alot of skewed ideas about love and dating. I went in thinking I needed her validation so I acted like someone I was not. I lied alot about small things. It stems from a very unhealthy relationship at home but it was abusive and I thought that for this person to “love” she couldnt see the truth. So I lied alot. way too much. and it eventually tore us apart. I still wanted to be the cool kid and go out do cool stuff with the guys and and party but I was physically loyal to her but not emotionally because at the time I didnt think there was anything wrong with what I was doing as long as she didnt find out. I thought I could get away with all kinds of things I would have felt terrible about had she done them to me. I lied alot because I thought she would leave me but I didnt know what the relationship could go through. I would lie to her about the smallest things, like where i was if i was on the way to her house but i was running late for some reason. I was way too into me trying to figure out who I was to think about how the other person was feeling.

    negative experiences from this relationship :

    One day about six months into our relationship we got into an argument in which we were discussing something that made me uncomfortable and she told me that she was sorry that I felt bad about it but she was doing it anyways when normally if there was something either of us were uncomfortable  we always talked about it and came to a fair and enjoyable compromise for both, at least as best could be done. She finally saw through all the lies at this point and I felt she stopped caring but deserved way worse believe me. Im not sure if I would have put up with so many lies. and then at the end of our relationship she ghosted me and I found out that she started dating someone else through facebook through a mutual friend and she didnt say anything to me. I took that one pretty hard but I deserved it and I learned from it. I learned that if you really love someone dont be afraid to be honest. Im not sure if im projecting something onto this relationship from my past. I feel sometimes as if I am. what I I mean by that is that person I am today is kind of shaped from those experiences. Im not sure how else to explain it. other than that I dont believe I am. I dont know if Im driving in the right direction right now to be honest peter. Im confused.

    #165594
    noah
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    You are right. I havent been on here in a couple of days and I have had time to think a little more about it. this relationship is not healthy. I have spoken to a local therapist and spoke about starting to see him whenever my new insurance policy kicks in. Thank you for your input.

     

    #165604
    noah
    Participant

    Dear Eliana

    I spoke to her over the phone about three of four times before I started dating my current gf and she told me that she just couldnt take the lies anymore. she admitted to me that the reason she started seeing the guy right after me was to get over me and that it really messed her up mentally and she shouldnt have done it. she thought that after all I put her through and that she thought she found the one but she was wrong. Every time we spoke over the phone we spoke for hours sometimes. we both laughed a good bit and cried a bit and I think I did get closure and we continued to talk and then like I mentioned previously we went separate ways.

    Im not sure about that right now. After reading everyone’s replies I have to agree with anita, I am in an unhealthy situation right now.

     

    #165672
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Noah,

    I don’t know..I am confused a bit. You are punishing yourself, for the person you were in the past. The person I see writing these posts sounds like he has grown, matured, learned from his mistakes. Don’t let your past ruin your future. Go where your heart is. Don’t blame the old person anymore who used to lie. You are a new person now, today in the present. Don’t give up on live with your ex before it’s too late. Just some thoughts. I hate to see you beating yourself up over past mistakes.

    #165674
    Eliana
    Participant

    Didn’t submit properly

    #165754
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear noah:

    I re-read your posts in efforts to get a better understanding.

    In a later post you wrote: “I learned that love is not just a feeling, it is a commitment, and dedication. … I learned to be honest with myself and others”

    I believe you did indeed start the process of learning these things. I used the word process, because your learning is still ongoing. The confusion you mentioned, I believe, comes from not realizing that you are still in the process, that the learning is not finished.

    When your present girlfriend threatened suicide, you emotionally reacted this way: “it tore me up inside and I slowly started to develop different emotions for her. I felt that I was falling in love with her”- you figured she really loved you, if she suffered that much as to consider suicide, correct?

    Later on in the present relationship, you wrote: “on the inside I felt my feelings for start to go away and I cant explain why”- there is a valid reason for every feeling, a message it sends us. When you can’t explain why, it doesn’t mean there is no reason; it only means you don’t know what it is.

    Both parties in a relationship need to be willing to learn and heal, and clearly you and your present girlfriend need to do both. Individual healing can be done in the context of the relationship, the two of you helping each other, or healing may be possible only following a breakup. Your lying to the ex and the present girlfriend secretly following your Facebook indicate no such helping-each-other.

    It is not your present girlfriend suffering over a potential breakup that indicates her love for you,  it is her motivation and sincere interest in her individual healing in the context of the relationship that is the promising factor.

    anita

     

    #165956
    noah
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    it is not that I feel that she could love me that deeply.. I saw the place she was in in her life and it hurt to see her that way. I wanted to help her see that she is valuable beyond what she thinks she is.

    and im comfused with what you wrote here anita “your lying to the ex and the present girlfriend secretly following your facebook indicate no such helping each other”

    lying to my ex? is that what you meant? im not understanding

    and you are saying healing and learning can only come after we break up?

    but thank you for your input thus far

    #165958
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Noah,

    Here is what it all boils down to: In your first post you mention your ex numerous times, even after all these years you are still thinking about her, even though you have a girlfriend now, you still think about your ex. What does this tell you? It’s really simple. Go where your heart is.

    #165984
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear noah:

    To clarify:

    1) “lying to my ex? is that what you meant? im not understanding”- I was referring to you sharing that you lied a lot to your ex girlfriend (“I thought that for this person to ‘love’ she couldn’t see the truth. So I lied alot. way too much. and it eventually tore us apart”) and that your present girlfriend spied on you, using Facebook, since last year. My point is that lying, suspicion and distrust are not congruent with a healthy relationship.

    2) “you are saying healing and learning can only come after we break up?”- only if the relationship is unhealthy and is not moving in the healthy direction of honesty and deserved trust.

    anita

     

    #166062
    Marie
    Participant

    It’s time to move on. You are just hurting yourself. Wake up!

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)

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