Dear CutieJ:

Please be strong at this time, CutieJ. Even though you may be feeling self-hatred and a low self-esteem at this time, truth is that you are lovable. You are worthy of love and you are valuable! It may take time for you to believe this, but once you believe it, you will have peace within.

“She called me pretty and cute all the time. She was always by my side and helped me out with everything and hugged me all the time. Growing up, I felt desperately lonely even when I was surrounded by people, and my self-hatred and low self-esteem, combined with her kindness and love-bombing, created a very unhealthy attachment to her“- I am wondering why you referred to her seeming loving behaviors as love bombing (a form of emotional and psychological manipulation). Do you suspect or believe that her affection, help and kindness were insincere or manipulative?

It may help you to share about your growing up experience, an experience that I share: I also grew up feeling desperately lonely, with a low self-esteem and with this most problematic inner experience: self-hatred.

“I got anxious and emotional over everything, and I was very controlling over her social group and people she was texting… I dumped all my fear, anxiety, and anger on her, and she felt so pressured and anxious… After one fight, she suddenly said she wants to take some time off, and that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. I was so hurt because I didn’t know it was this serious“- reads like your anxiety fueled controlling behaviors on your part, behaviors that caused or increased her anxiety.

“I obsessed over the thoughts of us every single day. Every moment was so painful. I ended up calling her and texting her several times, and now she is at the point that she thinks it is unhealthy for us to continue. I know that, but I am beyond petrified to think about ending the relationship… I wake up every hour, cannot go to sleep, cannot eat, and I cannot breathe all day“-

– she said that she felt like she couldn’t breathe, and here, you shared that you cannot breathe. It’s anxiety that does that.. not love. Indeed, anxiety is unhealthy to continue.

“I am going to her city tomorrow to end things, but I haven’t bought the ticket back to my city. I’m so afraid to see her lost all the love and interest in me, and I am in a constant fear that she might already have someone lined up after this. I don’t know how to love myself, to be okay with this and move on. I just want to never wake up when I fall asleep. I have no one. I cannot go back to where my family is because of the work situation. What should I do..“- you have someone, well, you have a couple of people with you, here on your thread, real people behind these typed words. And you will have people irl with you again.

You felt badly when you posted your original post, but you will feel better, and you will be amazed, sooner or later, to realize how much better you feel than you felt 13 hours ago.

As far as what you should do, key is to calm the anxiety so that you can operate in ways that make sense, ways that will benefit you.. and her.

I hope to read from you soon. (I will be busy today, so if you post, it may be a few hours before a response from me).

anita

Dear CutieJ: I will read and reply in about 11 hours from now.

anita

Dear CutieJ:

First I will repeat all that you shared (including some of your exact words boldfaced) in a chronological order of events, and after that, I will add my thoughts:

You grew up in a home where parents fought all the time. Your father physically abused you and yelled profanities when coming back home late at night, after drinking, or when he got extremely angry. You were never able to expect when he was going to get angry, and you were always so afraid at night when he was coming home late. Growing up, you felt desperately lonely, even when you were surrounded by people, and you experienced self-hatred and a low self-esteem.

During high school, you developed an eating disorder, bulimia, and gained a lot of weight. You also moved to the U.S. during high school and was completely alone in high school.

In college you were still suffering from bulimia, and having food at home was a scary thing for you. Nonetheless, you  lost a lot of weight, but your body has stretch marks as a result, and you feel that your body is not loveable because of the stretch marks.

You made a lot of friends during college, one of whom you shared the same friends group and classes. The friendship with her (I will refer to her as R) developed into a romantic relationship. Two months into the relationship, you found out that R was in a 5 year-long relationship with another girl from her home country (I’ll refer to her as G), it being a long-distance relationship at the time you and R met in the U.S. At one point, R texted G a breakup message and G threatened suicide. R paid G’s rent back in the home country for two months and sent her a postcard wishing her well, and said things like she dreamed of them together, and that she feels bad for giving up on them when the time was hard. Later on, when you confronted her about it, R told you that she said those things to G just to make her come back to senses. and R ended all contacts (with G) immediately.

You and R lived together in the same apartment for a whole year, spending almost 24 hours together. She called you pretty and cute and hugged you a lot, always by your side, helping you out with everything. She taught you how to clean the house, iron clothes, and live a good life. But since the confrontation regarding G, 2 months into the relationship, you were suspicious of her and for 10 months out of the 12 of living together, life has been a living hell for both of you (you and R).

You asked her to get therapy and to post the two of you on Instagram (like she did in regard to G before), but every time you asked, she said she would, but didn’t.

After graduating, the two of you no longer lived together and the relationship became long-distance. There were fights (long-distance fights), and after one of those, she said that she wants to take some time off, and that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. You agreed to take some time off, but feeling hurt,  lonely and obsessive, you ended up calling her and texting her several times, and (at the time you posted your original post), R was at the point that she thinks it is unhealthy for us to continue.

The day after your original post (Wednesday, Oct 2), you travelled to where R lives, and this is what you shared about meeting her: “She picked me up at the airport, she listened to me crying, we talked a little bit about our issue, and we went out and had lunch together. Everything is nice… She told me that she felt like she was emotionally threatened all the time that I cried and yelled saying things like ‘If you don’t do this (getting therapy, posting me on social medias), you don’t love me at all. You never care.’ She said these things are what her parents told her to control her when she was growing up… I thought about leaving early, as she is going to work in-person Thursday and Friday, and I know I will feel extremely anxious those days. She said that she just wants to be clear that there’s no one, and that’s not why it led our relationship to this point. I trust that, but I am scared… I don’t want to be alone..  I don’t want to lose her.. I am still so scared.. Please help..“-

– And now my thoughts (with more quotes) following hours of reading and studying your two posts: when you met R in college, you were in better shape, mentally and physically, than you were before college, but you were still not prepared for a healthy relationship. There were- and are- unresolved issues that need to be resolved before you can have a healthy relationship with her, or with anyone in her place. This is why it’s very important that you will attend quality individual psychotherapy as soon as possible.

You feel hurt and anxious, and I understand that you do. But it is not her doing, it’s the doing of your father hurting and scaring his little girl years before you ever met R. Your hurt and anxiety cannot be resolved within a romantic relationship (no matter how close to perfect a partner may be). It needs to be resolved in a professional setting: psychotherapy.

That R has not been perfect is unquestionable, but no human being is perfect. She had a relationship before she met you, a long-distance relationship at the beginning of her relationship with you. She didn’t end it as quickly as you’d like, but she did end it quite quickly. She was dealing with a suicidal ex, so no wonder she tried to make the ex feel better by telling her (post breakup) that she still somewhat cared. You pressured her with questions, and pressured, she lied twice.

From what you shared, R is a caring person, a good person who cares about the people in her life. And she truly cared and loved you, you said it yourself: “I know; I know she loved me dearly, and she tried her best to take care of me during this one year“.

She loved you dearly for 10 difficult months out of the year during which you “got anxious and emotional over everything… was very controlling over her social group and people she was texting… dumped all my fear, anxiety, and anger on her, and she felt so pressured and anxious“.

“Whenever I brought hard topics up, she would sit down and listen to me, but shut down and just cried“- she cared. She listened to you quietly. Her distress expressed itself through crying after listening to you, not through yelling and accusations.

How did your distress express itself? Loudly: yelling, accusing her and trying to manipulate her: “I cried and yelled saying things like ‘If you don’t do this (getting therapy, posting me on social medias), you don’t love me at all. You never care.’“-

– You accused her of never caring while in your original post, you wrote: “She was always by my side and helped me out with everything and hugged me all the time” (original post). You accused her of never caring because you felt hurt, so you wanted to hurt her.

Most recently (yesterday), she still cares: she picked you up at the airport, she listened to you crying, she talked with you about issues, had lunch with you, was nice to you, explained to you that the breakup needs to happen not because there is someone else, but because she felt- feels- emotionally threatened by you.

“I trust that, but I am scared… I don’t want to be alone..  I don’t want to lose her.. I am still so scared.. Please help..“- try to see that she is hurt too (and has been for a long time), that she is scared too (she might be scared that like her ex, you will have self-harm thoughts as well), and please help her.

Shift your focus during this visit from your pain to her pain, just long-enough to offer her the safety that she needs. Don’t increase her pain; lessen it instead. Once you do that, you will feel better about yourself. You will feel valuable as someone who is able to help another person. I hope this makes sense to you..?

Like you, at times I too yelled and accused, and wanted to hurt another because of unresolved issues in my childhood. It was very difficult for me to confront this self- centered part of myself, a part that had hurt others unjustly. I forgave myself only after I corrected (and keep correcting) wrong behaviors. And after I adequately resolved childhood issues that needed to be resolved, such as growing up with a mother who, like your father, physically abused me and yelled, getting unpredictably  extremely angry.

anita

Dear CutieJ:

I am so sorry she lied to you again, I wish she didn’t. It was wrong for her to do so. There are wrongdoing on her part, no doubt. And the relationship is toxic and needs to end as soon as possible.

“I threw the things she gave to me as gifts. I broke the picture frame (it was Styrofoam) in front of her… she went into the closet to lock herself in. I was so angry, and I punched the TV… I kept shaking her to get her response. At one point, she put a scissors up to defend herself… After this, we just had a good time. We went to eat, went to arcade that we used to go a lot, laughed a lot… Yesterday, when we were taking a shower together, she asked me if she can go play tennis with her colleagues on Thursday night. I leave on Friday…She will still pick me up today after work, eat with me, and go to sleep together“-

– this reminds me of a movie titled Sleeping with the Enemy.

Playing at the arcade, laughing, taking a shower and sleeping together after breaking, punching, shaking and pointing scissors at the other? Does the fighting, the breaking, punching, scissors etc., serve as foreplay for her.. for you?

I am asking because I am trying to understand. I can see now that part of your pain is indeed her doing, and that this relationship is sick. I wish this relationship ends sooner than later, and that you’d  be on your journey of personal healing.

Please, no more breaking, no more violence of any kind! Keep yourself and her safe, and be strong!

anita

Dear CutieJ:

Your father used to come back home late and abuse you physically and verbally: “My father physically abused us and yelled profanities when he came back home late after drinking or when he got extremely angry. I was always so afraid at night when he was coming home late, and we could never expect when he was going to (get) pissed off“.

A few days ago, someone else came back home late and you abused her physically and verbally: “she said that she was still at a restaurant and she will be back at maybe 9:30PM… I told her some nasty things… I threw the things she gave to me as gifts. I broke the picture frame… she started picking things up and putting them in the plastic bag to throw away. I stopped her, and she went into the closet to lock herself in. I was so angry, and I punched the TV. I tried to make her say anything, but she looked away to not make any eye contact and froze and shut down. I kept shaking her to get her response. At one point, she put a scissors up to defend herself“-

– to defend herself: she used scissors, you wrote, not to attack you, but to defend herself from your abuse.

Your abuse of her (above quote) included things you could be arrested for, if police were called: (1) when you broke her picture frame and destroyed, or tried to destroy other property (ex., punching her TV), you could have been arrested and charged with Malicious destruction of property (or the like) a crime which a person willfully and maliciously destroys, damages, or defaces someone else’s property.

When she was picking up the pieces of her property (which you broke and/ or threw around in her home), and you stopped her, that’s another crime: Unlawful restraint which happens when one person knowingly and intentionally restrains another person without that person’s consent and without legal justification.

When you were physically shaking her body, that’s the crime of Battery: the intentional, unlawful touching of another person, with the intent to harm, annoy, injure or offend, and Assault: intentionally placing someone in fear that they will be physically harmed or experience offensive contact.

I understand that you often feel anxious, hurt, betrayed, and terrified to breakup (title of your thread), and I hope that you heal and feel better soon. But while you feel anxious, hurt, terrified, etc.,  please do not abuse her anymore: Feeling Badly is No Excuse to Abuse.

My mother felt hurt by me even though I didn’t hurt her. It’s called Emotional Reasoning when you believe something is true simply because you feel that it’s true. Feeling hurt, she felt justified to hurt me in return. I was terrified of her.

You shared that you yelled at her (R), said nasty things to her, restrained her, shook her, broke and tried to break her property, but you didn’t mention any such abuses by her against you. Did she do any such things to you?

You shared about her: “She told me that she felt like she was emotionally threatened all the time that I cried and yelled…She said these things are what her parents told her to control her when she was growing up“- her parents cried and yelled and threatened her a lot, her parents controlled her.

You shared that she lied to you 3 times. Do you think that she lied to you because at times she’s afraid, maybe terrified of you, and feeling controlled by you, while at other times, she shuts down, and yet, at other times she rebels against your control by spending time with her colleagues, lying about it, and having refused to acknowledge you as her partner on social media?

anita

Hi CutieJ

I can explain a bit for you about the effects of breaking things. As you said, the picture frame was a gift, so there is an emotional element to breaking it. It is not just giving it back to her, it’s destroying it. Also, with any violence during a disagreement even towards objects carries a threat of violence towards the person witnessing it because the person is out of control. It could happen to them next. And in this case it did, you shook her.

I understand that it hurts to think about. That is where a touch of denial comes in to soften the blow. You have made mistakes, but you can learn from them.

I’m sorry to hear that your father had a tendency to break things when he was angry in your childhood. That must have been very hard for you.

Therapy takes a long time for the kind of trauma you have. If you think about it, for how long did you live with these difficulties going on around you? It takes time to undo that. You are open to seeing the harm caused by your actions shows your willingness to reflect. You haven’t been defensive about it. You have been remorseful.

Personally, I feel like she was being cruel and mocking you about your therapy. Just because therapy takes time doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth doing. Her unwillingness to go to therapy is more about her unwillingness to change than it is about you.

You have a good level of insight into the reasons behind your actions (likely because of your therapy). You mentioned feeling tired of everything before the violence started. In the future, learning to take a break can be helpful to calm down.

I truly believe that you can overcome the unhealthy behaviours that you learned in your childhood. I know that you don’t want to be like this. Stick in therapy contrary to your ex, I do believe that you have had some benefits from it.

The reason why someone can hug you one day and not do that the next day is ultimately that they are feeling hurt.

She doesn’t want to discuss heavy things because she is afraid of fighting again.

You are still young. Honestly, healing does take time. A normal, happy life sounds like a great goal.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏