I am extremely terrified to breakup.

I am a girl, and I met another girl when I was in a one-year grad program. This was my first relationship.

I wasn’t very interested in her at first, but she approached me and I opened up really quickly. We were in the same friend group and classes, so we spent almost 24 hours together, living in a same apartment for a whole year. She literally gave me the world. She called me pretty and cute all the time. She was always by my side and helped me out with everything and hugged me all the time. Growing up, I felt desperately lonely even when I was surrounded by people, and my self-hatred and low self-esteem, combined with her kindness and love-bombing, created a very unhealthy attachment to her.

Going back a bit, two months into the relationship, I realized that she had an ex that she dated for 5 years and that she didn’t end the relationship properly. My gf was from another country and they had several issues back there, but after my gf met me, she just simply texted her ex and decided to disappear. After that, her ex went crazy (which is understandable) and threatened my gf that she will kill herself, and my gf texted her back and paid her rent for that two months. In those times, she once sent her a post card wishing her well, and said things like she dreamed of them together, and she feels bad for giving up on them when the time was hard. She said it was just to make her come back to sense.

I was so shocked to find out, and my gf ended all the contacts immediately and tried to mend the relationship with me. However, since then, it has been a living hell for both of us. I asked her to get therapy and post us on instagram (like she did for her ex before), but every time she said she would do it but she never did. Whenever I brought hard topics up, she would sit down and listen to me, but shut down and just cried. I got anxious and emotional over everything, and I was very controlling over her social group and people she was texting.

During those one year, she lied to me two more times. It wasn’t about seeking a romantic interest, but her lies broke trust over and over again. Now I understand to some point, because I dumped all my fear, anxiety, and anger on her, and she felt so pressured and anxious.

Now after graduating and moving, our relationship became a long-distance. After one fight, she suddenly said she wants to take some time off, and that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. I was so hurt because I didn’t know it was this serious, and I was also very hurt in a relationship. I accepted taking time off, but I had my issues. Because my work is fully remote and I don’t have any friends in the city, I obsessed over the thoughts of us every single day. Every moment was so painful. I ended up calling her and texting her several times, and now she is at the point that she thinks it is unhealthy for us to continue.

I know that, but I am beyond petrified to think about ending the relationship. While we were having time off for three weeks, I tried to accept what has happened and take care of myself, but I wake up every hour, cannot go to sleep, cannot eat, and I cannot breathe all day. I am going to her city tomorrow to end things, but I haven’t bought the ticket back to my city. I’m so afraid to see her lost all the love and interest in me, and I am in a constant fear that she might already have someone lined up after this.

I don’t know how to love myself, to be okay with this and move on. I just want to never wake up when I fall asleep. I have no one. I cannot go back to where my family is because of the work situation. What should I do…