Thinking about it, I wanted to hurt her emotionally. Every time she lied to me, I felt like my heart was ripped apart. Every time I expressed that I was hurt to her, she didn’t reply and she would shut down. I asked her why did some things happen or what was she thinking, and she would only say sorry and never talk or explain to me. So yes, I wanted to hurt her emotions too. I regret that was not the way I should’ve handled it, but that was my intention.

I can promise myself that I will never react this way, because that was the night I first did anything physical, and I don’t want to be that kind of person who hurts their loved ones. I need to be responsible for my actions, but I don’t think this is a mere redirection of anger that stemmed from my childhood. I felt especially more hurt because I was triggered by my childhood trauma, but that doesn’t mean I distorted the reality and took her the wrong way all the time.

I didn’t scare her in the beginning for her to lie to me for two months. I simply said that she lied about it, but even after I asked her to clear up the relationship, she lied to me several times more until that relationship ended completely.

I didn’t create any problem yesterday. I worked late at the company to distract myself, and got on the bus to go back home. It was long and scary rides, as I’ve never been on a bus in this city or at this time. After I got off the bus, I ran between cars and bushes to walk back home. I was scared, and I was sad.

She said she would be back home by 8:30PM, but she didn’t. I came back home at 9:30PM and asked here where she was, and she didn’t answer me. I waited outside the apartment for 30 minutes, because I didn’t have a key. After she went to play pickleball, she went to eat ice cream with them. We had a promise to eat dinner together. She just simply ignored me because it didn’t matter, or maybe she wants to escape the situation again.

After she came back, I cried quietly for 5 minutes. I told her “I’m someone’s daughter too. Just like you are your parent’s precious daughter, I am my mom’s and my dad’s daughter.” I didn’t want to feel anymore emotion and once again she didn’t talk, so we ordered a pizza and ate together. I did my best to not cause a scene anymore.

My fault here is staying in the relationship even though I was lied to several times and felt extremely hurt. Instead of leaving when I needed to, I latched on to it and tried to control the situation in a violent way.

Thank you for all the comments, I appreciate that this is a space that I can talk about my feelings honestly.