I cannot allow negative influences as friends once I am happily married.

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This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 16, 2016 at 11:44 pm #96249

Anonymous
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I just got off the phone with someone I’ve known since we were kids and when she got married, it was very fast and un-expected and we all know what happens when it’s a fast marriage with no solid past/years of being together. 3 years later I find out tonight that she married him to give him citizenship and she says he’s driving her crazy. I was disappointed to know this, as I just met her husband while I was in California not too long ago and he seemed like a really sweet guy.

My reasoning for this topic is that once I’m married, I cannot and will not have bad or negative influences interfering with my marriage. Whether the person is married or not. Also, I will not be sharing my personal and private details about my marriage with anybody either, I have vowed to that within myself as I’ve had time to think about this for awhile. I will be a devoted wife and do whatever it takes to protect my marriage. That includes people who are threatening or bad influences to our life together. I’m not saying that my friend is a bad person but I cannot help but to notice how people marry for the wrong reasons, where there is no solid foundation of history of love together for years at least 2 years + before actually marrying. This is 2 friends already (they are heterosexual btw) who married within less than a year of knowing the person and they are un-happy and already wanting a divorce, one is already divorced. From what I have seen, great and healthy relationships/marriages weren’t built over-night or within less than a year. They were built from knowing one another and being deeply in love for at least over a year.

On a postive note; I do have many friends that have been married over 5 years plus and are happy. Those are the people I will keep around.

I’ll end by saying this – What I do know is that I will do whatever it takes to protect my marriage and keep it sacred, as I’m already a private person and my friends know this and respect me for being this way. I barely use my FB nowadays like I used to, so if any given day I decide to delete my FB account, my friends will understand. I just know I won’t tolerate bad influences in my life once I’m married because I can barely tolerate them now. The past 4 years I’ve done really well at weeding out bad influences rather quickly when I notice bad behavioral patterns.

What are your thoughts about my topic?

February 17, 2016 at 4:49 am #96264
Inky
Participant
Hi Elle TInker700,

I have been there ~ with men and women.

One guy friend tried to swoop in on me as soon as he thought he sniffed trouble in the marriage (there wasn’t). And we’ve known him half our lives!

Another was a girl friend who got a divorce because and I quote “My DH doesn’t love me the way your DH loves you.” Pretty soon she tries to come over to our house all the time and encouraged my kids to call her “Madre #2”. DH works at home so I am 99% certain nothing went on. But whenever she would visit (she lives far away) I’d let her ~ but I would be sure to send my DH on a business trip during her stay!

Soon she got crazy and tried to basically bust all my boundaries. But that is another post.

From your post I’m not making the connection between your friend and her green card husband and Bad Influences. You come across as a little judge-y(?). However, you can have boundaries around your marriage without the upset.

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Inky.
February 17, 2016 at 8:36 am #96283

Dina
Participant

I think you are being a bit hard on your friend.

I happen to agree with you in terms of marriage. I do not think it should be taken lightly. I am in the camp of “marriage is forever” and you work to keep it happy and loving. However, I understand that not all people are that way and I respect their choices and reasons for it.

Your friend, for example, was trying to do something kind. She was trying to give someone citizenship. Yes, this is not a reason to marry, and yes, it was a rash decision, however at its core, it was a decision made out of kindness. She is not trying to destroy anyone else’s marriage. She is not trying to hurt you in any way. She is a childhood friend, coming to you for solace because she made a choice and is suffering with the consequences. I dont think this is a reason to end a friendship. Friends are there to support one another, not judge each other.

Just my two cents.

February 17, 2016 at 9:34 am #96288

HippieChick
Participant

I agree with Dina that you may be a bit hard on your friend. Knowing someone and dating them for years doesn’t guarantee a happy, lasting marriage…nor does marrying someone you barely know ALWAYS mean it can’t work. That completely depends on the intentions and willingness of both individuals involved.

That being said…I’ve become much more ruthless about how and with who I spend my time as I’ve gotten older. If the people around me are too negative or generally not supportive I limit contact. Not in an overt way or by making some big, grand announcement but just by spending my time with the people that I feel positive around. I, personally, deleted my Facebook page 7 months ago because of drama and I was jealous and insecure because of things there…my boyfriend deleted his the same day to help improve OUR relationship. Yes, people constantly step over the line on social media. But if you and your partner have clear boundaries and discuss things you can make it work for you. It may not look like someone else’s relationship. But you cannot blame outside forces…there will always be temptations. What you have to do is keep communication open, set boundaries with each other, trust and limit the obvious threats as much as possible.

February 17, 2016 at 9:59 am #96303

Anonymous
Inactive

I agree with you completely Tami. Also, to the others who feel I am being too judgy. I apologize but I feel as if I am being
A fair judge. It’s not just the 1 one thing I’ve mentioned but there’s more to it than just that. I didn’t want to expose all the details and reasons as to why they are bad influences over the net, as that would be disrespectful. So I kept it simple and light. I’m sorry but I don’t just quickly judge anyone, as there’s always more reasoning as to why. I just want to be careful is all. This is why I really don’t like posting on here because I find it difficult to write every little detail and expose everything. For the rest of you it is easy and many of you do an excellent job
at it. That is also why writing letters can be a difficult task at times because I have so much to say, so I’ve always felt more comfortable and successful at voicing how I feel and what I’m really trying to express. Also, People have a better understanding of where I’m coming from too. I’m doing the best I can to keep healthy boundaries in here too of not exposing everything to be respectful and mindful of my personal life and others.

Hope what I just wrote helps you all.
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