June 22, 2019 at 3:06 am #300327
I’ve had a childhood where I simply didn’t receive any love from my dad and moms love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears. Additionally, I’ve experienced being emotionally and physically abandoned by both of my parents several times. I was left to live with one parent and then left with another when they’ve got divorced. I always felt the need to depend on someone but I couldn’t find anyone so I have always kept my feelings to myself till I happened to be in a relationship when I was 17. Of course, that was an extreme experience for me because it was the first time I’ve got attached to somebody, it was a very painful breakup for me.
Two weeks later, somebody else was interested in me. And I got to like him more as the time passed, suddenly I was in a new relationship. Then he finished his school and went abroad to work, we didn’t end the relationship but we couldn’t see each other either. I tried to make it happen, because he was the second person I could express my feelings openly to. But after one year, I knew he was living his life there and I’ve decided to live mine as well.
Shortly after there was somebody else, the same things over and over again. He looked like he was in love or something and I’ve got carried away because I wanted to feel loved by someone. So after I’ve got a bit attached, he got scared off I guess, cause we didn’t make things official. So he quit, and I am standing here wondering why I could never feel joy, happiness in my life other than the times I was in these relationships?
As I said before the relationships, I always felt that something was missing. Sometimes with anxiety attacks, sometimes not so severe. Between the relationships, there was always suffering, mental breakdowns. I simply didn’t want to continue my life in those moments, like I don’t right now. But the only moments I felt joy, peace, and happiness were the moments that I was with them. And I can’t deal with the fact that I am this needy, I also seem like a very rough, emotionally unavailable person.
I feel like I don’t have a problem loving myself, I always described myself as a selfish person. But I always need the assurance from another person when it comes to love I guess. So that’s all, I’ve tried to consult a professional but there isn’t anyone that would take care of you, care about you in the public hospitals and I cannot afford a private doctor. So I wanted to ask you about it, how can I solve this problem? I don’t care about my life if I’m not valued by a special other and I want to get rid of this problem.June 22, 2019 at 4:54 am #300333
Man is a social animal we always need someone to be there to love us. There is nothing wrong with you if you want to be loved. I also sail in the same boat. We yearn for someone who should appreciate, admire and love us!
In relationship there will always be ups and down. No relationship can stay permanently. There would be fight, differences on petty issues. There would be mood swings. In fact we are selfish and always have expectations from our partners. At times we become demanding which irritates our partners or the partners have his preferences and priorities.
Things start souring when we do not meet each others expectations or requirements. In my personal life I have seen that suddenly warmness of relations start diminishing and the time you try fix up things it gets broken up completely.
The important point here is that we being emotional get attached more seriously than our partner and that is the reason we suffer more. To come out of it the better solution is you have to be practical in relationship and apply brain rather than thinking from heart. Every relation give us some sort of learning and taking a lesson out of it you should move on…
RajuJune 22, 2019 at 6:12 am #300341
You wrote about your first relationship with a young man, when you were 17: “it was the first time I’ve got attached to somebody”. No, the first time you got attached to somebody was sometime early in your first year when you got attached to your mother.
You wrote: “I simply didn’t receive any love from my dad and mom’s love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears”- no love from your father=> no attachment. Some love from your mother=> attachment. Her loving attention (and presence in your life) comes and goes=> the anxious attachment style you mentioned in your first thread.
“Between the relationships, there was always suffering, mental breakdowns… the only moments I felt joy, peace, and happiness were the moments that I was with them.. I can’t deal with the fact that I am this needy, I also seem like a very rough, emotionally unavailable person… I don’t care about my life if I’m not valued by a special other and I want to get rid of this problem”-
– a young child cannot see herself except by looking at a mirror. The mirror is the parent who is present and sometimes attentive to the child. If the parent consistently and reliably loves the child, the child sees herself as lovable and she thrives. If the parent doesn’t, the child sees herself as unlovable and she suffers.
Seeing herself as unlovable she sees the problem as her needing love, and she tries to not need it, seeming “like a very rough, emotionally unavailable person”, but she keeps needing love because she is human.
When the child grows up into a woman’s body and it is now expected to team up with a man, and men show interest, she gets into sort of relationships with men. She doesn’t know much about love, except for how much she needs it and doesn’t want to need it.. so when a man shows a sexual interest in her, that is as close to love as it gets for her and she thrives on his attention. She temporarily thrives and then the anxiety takes over.
Maybe the man cares about her beyond sex, but how can she know… She is not sure, she doesn’t know. Then the relationships end and the loneliness resumes full time, no love and no appearances of love.
Does this sound familiar to you?
anitaJune 22, 2019 at 9:14 am #300349
You could have the best parents in the world and still crave a partner. You could also have the best partner in the world. But eventually the man (usually) dies before the woman does. So eventually you will again be alone.
I think humans in general spend AT LEAST twenty years on their own. Ten if they’re lucky.
So you might as well learn how to be happy, content, and self satisfied on your own!
Routines, reading, volunteer work, doing things you love, getting an animal, visiting your neighbors, events, clubs, gardening, worship, favorite shows, trips, meditation, family, crafting, art, music…… This list goes on!
InkyJune 25, 2019 at 2:42 am #300663
I’m sorry that you went through such emotional upheaval as a child. It can’t have been easy for you. Whilst you can’t change those events, you can deal with it in the present by sending love to yourself as a child. This really works. It might help to have a photograph of yourself as a child. Every day give that little girl a big cuddle and tell her how much you love her. Assure her that things are going to be OK and that you will always be there for her.
Secondly, your parents have given you this life – your life and, as an adult, it is up to you what you make of it. Life is a great adventure with its twists and turns, joys and sorrows. No-one escapes from losing someone they love. It happens to us all. It’s how you respond to it that makes the difference. No-one can predict the future so you just have to go with the flow. Thank your parents for giving you this amazing life and forgive them for the hurt they caused you. Let the healing begin!
Most people go through several relationships during their teens – this does not necessarily relate to your childhood. This is normal. Thank those people for all the things they brought to you and release them with love.
Write a list of all the things you have to be grateful for in your life right now: a pair of shoes, a toothbrush, a walk in the park, the scent of flowers on the breeze, the ability to read and write etc. Make this list as long as you can and refer to it and add to it on a daily basis.
Finally, on loving yourself: this is not selfish, it is crucial. Give yourself all the love that you ‘need’ from others. Develop this relationship with yourself – after all, who else is going to spend as much time with you as you are. Before you know it, your neediness will have disappeared and you can look forward to enjoying a peaceful, loving and joyful relationship with a very lucky man.
Thank you for giving me this opportunity to help you.
PeggyJune 25, 2019 at 1:27 pm #300731
Initially, Anita that is so accurate I don’t know what to say about it. Also I am not sure I figured out how the reply system work, so I hope you get notified by that. I have to work on the problems you’ve clearly mentioned, I have to learn to value myself.
Dear Inky, Actually I am a person who has many hobbies, interests in life. I am simply a jack of all trades, master of none. Maybe in this regard, I can try to be master in one subject and distract myself. But that doesn’t end there, I have been distracting myself from this problem my whole life. I have to be in a place where even when I have nothing to do, I can feel content by myself. That is the problem. Then again, thank you for your suggestion.
Firstly I feel that I have already forgiven my parents about this issue, I have never felt any resentment towards them. I can understand where these behaviours are coming from and even though they created a problem, I know their intentions. Maybe the problem I can’t solve is the fact that I can’t be open with them about this. I have never shown them the hurt version of me, they think that I’m a healthy, strong person. And I have no intention of doing that either, I don’t want to give them another subject to be sorry about, I want to solve my problem on my own or with other people. (Especially I have a tendency to try to solve it with a partner..)
Thank you all for your support and answer…June 25, 2019 at 2:29 pm #300739
If I am so accurate in my understanding of your situation, then I will be glad to communicate with you further and share with you what I learned so far. We do have a lot in common, well, had a lot in common, when I was younger, and for many years.
Post anytime and I will reply. I will soon be away from the computer and back in about 15 hours from now.