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I’m in a lot of distress right now, and I really hope someone can help me see some light. I apologise for the length of this post but it’s quite a long story.
First, some back story: I’m in my late 20s, and last year I got involved with a guy who completely swept me off my feet. He was my first ever relationship, and it lasted just over a month. A VERY intense month. I swear, if you’d seen us, you would have thought that we had been together for a while. It was magical to me because I could not believe that a guy like him would ever be interested in a girl like me. But a couple of dates into our relationship, I had to go overseas for a few weeks. We constantly kept in touch and he was always telling me that he missed me, that he couldn’t wait until I got home, that I was amazing, and so forth. It got quite steamy. We were completely into each other. However, a week before I came home he started to change, and things started to fall apart. By the time I arrived home, he was distant. We had one date but I could tell he just didn’t want to be there, but I would not let myself believe it. Three days later he was hardly talking to me, and I was getting paranoid. What had I done? So I asked him to call me, which he did. And then he broke up with me stating that he “wasn’t ready” for where it was going, that he needed to be single and that he just wanted to be friends.
I tried to be his friend for a month. But during this time, I was making all the effort to keep in touch, and I ended up getting obsessive and checked up on his social networking accounts constantly (not as in logging on, but rather ‘stalking’ him). We didn’t have any mutual friends as I’d met him online. So it got super unhealthy and I was miserable. I missed him so much and I missed the closeness we had for that brief, but truly amazing time. I know what I did was wrong, but even so I managed to discover that, actually, he was actively seeking out other women. Turns out, he wasn’t that focused on being single after all. I’d reached such a low point and I knew it couldn’t continue this way, so I told him we couldn’t be friends. He agreed instantly, and deleted me and blocked me from all the social networking accounts before I’d even had a chance to do it myself.
That was at the beginning of January, and it’s been a very tough few months for me. I started off so motivated and was determined to make a number of positive changes into my life. I joined a gym and got into healthy eating, and since mid January I have lost 10kgs. I threw myself into looking for work (I’d lost my job just before my trip overseas), but this took months and really messed with my confidence as I kept going to interviews and getting rejected. I even took a job, only to get laid off less than a week later! Last week, I finally found a part time job which will keep me going for a little while. I have joined a couple of dating sites and have been on a few dates, but this isn’t making me feel good because I am not connecting with the people that I’m going out with. None of them compare to him.
I’ve tried to be strong, and I’ve tried to keep going. And I suppose it sounds as if I haven’t been doing too badly without him. But the truth is, I’ve had some very dark days. I have an anxiety disorder, which was under control until all of this stuff happened with him. There have been nights where I have to switch off every light in the house because I can’t stand to look at anything. I get panicky when I think about him and the prospect that I might be alone forever. See, that’s another thing. Because I’d had absolutely no experience before him, I didn’t know what I was missing in terms of companionship. I used to have no problem with being alone. But now, it scares me. I truly believe that he was my last chance at being happy with anyone and I can’t see anybody else better coming along.
What’s worse, is that I tried to contact him two months after we cut all ties, and he didn’t want to know. He just brushed me off. I’d been contemplating messaging him for weeks and I guess I finally snapped and did it. But gosh, it was not what I wanted to hear. But I started to get better after this. I started to let him go.
That is, until yesterday. I don’t know why I did this. But a couple of weeks ago, I decided to block all his friends on Facebook. Yesterday morning, I remembered that I had missed one… this girl. So I went to her profile to block her, and there it was – photos of them both, together. Their anniversary date was up and everything – Valentine’s Day! I remember being so miserable on Valentine’s Day and yet there he was, moving on with his life. God, this has been like a dagger. While we were together, I was always ‘threatened’ by the fact that he had so many girl friends (and was a good looking, sociable guy), and I suppose now it seems as if my fears have been realised. I have hardly been able to eat, and I haven’t been able to sleep. I couldn’t go to the gym today because I’m so exhausted. My heart is broken all over again. I know this all sounds completely insane (trust me, I realise this as I’m typing – it does sound completely loony and utterly unhealthy) but I just don’t know what to do now. I’m so unhappy and I can’t see myself ever being happy again. And they look so into each other, and there’s no way he’s going to break her heart like he did mine because, if he did, all of their mutual friends will know.
How can I move past this? How can I accept what’s happened, let go, stop obsessing, and have faith that everything will work out in the future? I’ve just lost all my faith and all my optimism. I just… I can’t deal with the thought of them being together, but I know I can’t change it either. He’s with a new girl, touching her like he used to touch me, laughing with her, enjoying her company. And here I am, I’m so miserable. I have great family and friends who have been supportive, but a lot of them live quite far away and that’s hard too. What can I do? How can I look at this whole thing in a new light? There’s just been so much change and so much new information, and I’m so knocked down.
Hello!
I’m so sorry for replying so late. I’m really sorry that you’ve been going through this, too. I know far too well that the pain can be unbearable.
But trust me when I say that it CAN and it WILL get better for you because it did with me – even when everything seemed so hopeless. It just takes time (and I know that sucks too… I’m the most impatient person in the world! But it’s so true).
After I wrote that post, I didn’t go back and look him up for well over a year. Finding out that he was seeing someone new hurt so bad, but I had to deal with it because there was nothing else I could do. I wouldn’t let it swallow me whole. So regardless of the searing pain, I kept going. I went to work, and I made an effort to talk to people and make friends with my new colleagues. I threw myself back into exercising at the gym, and decided to run a 5k with a friend in the summer of 2015 (never would have done that before!), I went on holiday on my own, and I stayed in a hostel and met some awesome new people. While the sadness was always in there somewhere, nagging at me and threatening me with loneliness and isolation, I tried my hardest to step forward through it.
Things continued to improve in spite of the pain, which gradually lessened. I left the part-time job for a full-time job which I ended up hating, haha. I laugh about that now, because I thought this job was such a turning point in my life, just like I thought he was. It turned out to be a nightmare. I ended up quitting four months later, went on holiday (with my family this time), and then found the job I have now, which I absolutely love and would not have gotten if I hadn’t have taken the crappy job.
Oh, and I met someone new at the start of 2016. By the end of 2015, I was ready to date again and went back online. After a series of failed dates, I went out with this one guy and kept my expectations low. I didn’t think he was my type. But then, when the date started, we just clicked, and that date ended up being even better than ANY date I had with my ex. Honestly! And only a year ago, I’d thought I’d met lost the only person that could ever make me happy. And while I’m not dating the guy I met at the beginning of the year anymore (it’s kind of complicated and I won’t get into it now), we’ve stayed in touch and he’s now one of my closest friends.
So, you see, there is hope. It might not seem possible in the darkest days, but take it from someone who has a history of being totally and utterly hard on herself and feeling ridiculously hopeless at times (especially with relationships), it CAN get better as long as you try. The only advice I can give you is what worked for me, and that is to pour all your energy into yourself and making YOU your best self, because you are the one who matters most. Allow yourself to feel the pain and work through it, but don’t let that be all you do. Put limits on your grief. Cry about it at night, in the morning… whenever, but then make yourself get up and do something else for a few hours. Set yourself goals – is there something you’ve wanted to do for a while but have always put off? For me, it was losing weight and finding a job that I enjoy. I ticked both those boxes and now I feel more empowered and confident than ever, even without a partner. It wasn’t easy at times and I certainly had many setbacks. But always remind yourself that the darkest moments can lead you to some wonderful light, and it can move your life forward in ways that don’t always seem possible.
I wish you all the best. 🙂
So happy for you Sophie.
Wow !!! What great progress you have made. Its very inspiring for 2017, for all those people who need to move through some tough times, out to a brighter day.
It makes me feel like despite the dark night of the soul – as long as you keep going, doing new things and staying in your lane – it is possible. Possible to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks Sophie !! And Im so glad that you have come so far. You are a credit to yourself ! Happy New Year !!
Warm wishes,Barbara.
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