Not only are you labeling yourself as a bit of an object “a married woman” but you’re projecting him thinking of you as an object: “went after a married woman”. That you were “duped”. By a clever con artist, right? 😉

You don’t know what he’s thinking. Maybe he thinks about you everyday. Maybe he is just as stuck, sad, remorseful, guilty and wanting more. Maybe he’s putting up a cordial front because he thinks you’ve moved on, he’s scared of your husband, maybe he’s protecting your reputation.

I don’t know how it went down or how it ended, but you can instead think of yourself as a woman who needs attention, kissing, excitement and intimacy. And, mystery! (Not to make light of the affair at all.)

If you were a housecat or a car in 100 households, you would be surprised how many people go where people think they wouldn’t, and how many people come in that aren’t part of the family!

Every, but every neighborhood has active guilt going on about something. It’s just people take turns.

Congratulations! You found out that you are utterly human, and want to change that!

Now, I recommend the book Kosher Adultery. It talks about just this issue and how to spice up things with DH, which is the real issue at the end of the day.

I have been in the same situation as you where I cheated on my husband and fell in love with the other person. Life at home was difficult but not unbearable so I couldn’t realistically understand why I fell so heavily. You can read my story from back in January this year. I don’t know what things were like for you in the run up to the affair but I realised that I had neglected my own piece of mind for a while before the affair. I had spent so long looking after my family and my husband that I had forgotten to think about myself so by being paid attention by someone who was genuinely interested in me meant I was getting the attention I so desperately nedded. I would suggest spending some time on your own getting to know and like yourself again and enjoying simple activities such as walking and meditating. It will take a long time but slowly the dark clouds will start to lift and only then will you start to feel better about yourself and your relationship with your husband. I hope that helps x

I believe the best option for you right now is to take a pause on life. The decisions you make from this point on could change your life forever and hurt the ones you love. So pause and take time out for YOU. Shower yourself with attention and affection. Start doing something you have always wanted to. Just pause on the guilt and the shame and the fear and see yourself as a inner child that has simply made a mistake. Don’t try to deal with the situation yet because it sounds as if you still undecided as to what you really want. A marriage where you want a bit more or a new love that is filled with possibilities. I SAY YOU WANT NONE OF IT. You need to love yourself and give yourself the attention she needs and deserves. Get away from both for a while and make an informed decision.

I was also in a similar place, however, I confessed to him what I did. It was completely out of character, so much so that up to this day I have not truly forgiven myself. It happened 3 years ago and we are still living together, in a rocky relationship, trying to rebuild trust.

** and yes, I wholeheartedly believed I loved the guy. and wondered if I had made a mistake by choosing my husband, given that I had confessed. I wondered about and still do up to this day. I think of him and the experience we had and I smile only because he showed me that there was something that I wanted and craved but didn’t know I did because I was not listening to myself. It was like sounding the alarm. “”Why would you go against you core morals and do something so cruel to hurt yourself and the one you swore to love for the rest of your life…something is not adding up here.”” It pointed out my deficiencies. But trust me Jessie its not this guy or your husband, its you. Choose to pursue a relationship with yourself and everything else will fall into place.**

My question is how do I build up my self love and self esteem in a relationship where I am trying to mend things with my partner to get him to trust me again. He is a good man, I do love him but I cannot ignore the neglect I have been showing myself. I am split between willingly catering to his needs and letting him know I am worth the second chance and healing myself, so that the next time I don’t get his affections or attention, I can provide that for myself and wont be susceptible to straying. For example, where a long walk to become mindful and aware of myself would benefit me, it can cause him to wonder where I am. Is it even possible to heal yourself(put yourself first) while trying to show someone else that you are willing and ready to put them first?

• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by kikisan.