Hi Beni

Please don’t beat yourself up over this. At any point in life we are just trying our best to survive. It is wonderful to hear that you are now in a place emotionally where you want to protect yourself and make healthier choices. That is great progress!

Consistently protecting yourself and making healthy choices will re-establish that trust in yourself.

You are definitely not the only person who has failed themselves. I have too.

It took me years of therapy to learn how to identify abuse and how to develop boundaries and protect myself from people who might hurt me. I started choosing slightly healthier after slightly healthier relationships. Things got a bit healthier each time.

I think that working on our own behaviours is important too.

For my relationship, I have realized that we should not discuss things when we are tired. It causes arguments. And we need to keep stressful conversations to 30 minutes.

In the past, I was probably not ready for a relationship because of my trauma. I put my husband through quite a bit of stress early on in our relationship and I worked hard to eliminate those behaviours.

I am learning about the four horsemen which are difficulties in relationships. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. And the healthy behaviours to avoid doing these things. Express a positive need when talking about feelings, practice gratitude, take responsibility and apologize, take a break and self-soothe when upset.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏