Hi Beni

Please don’t beat yourself up over this. At any point in life we are just trying our best to survive. It is wonderful to hear that you are now in a place emotionally where you want to protect yourself and make healthier choices. That is great progress!

Consistently protecting yourself and making healthy choices will re-establish that trust in yourself.

You are definitely not the only person who has failed themselves. I have too.

It took me years of therapy to learn how to identify abuse and how to develop boundaries and protect myself from people who might hurt me. I started choosing slightly healthier after slightly healthier relationships. Things got a bit healthier each time.

I think that working on our own behaviours is important too.

For my relationship, I have realized that we should not discuss things when we are tired. It causes arguments. And we need to keep stressful conversations to 30 minutes.

In the past, I was probably not ready for a relationship because of my trauma. I put my husband through quite a bit of stress early on in our relationship and I worked hard to eliminate those behaviours.

I am learning about the four horsemen which are difficulties in relationships. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. And the healthy behaviours to avoid doing these things. Express a positive need when talking about feelings, practice gratitude, take responsibility and apologize, take a break and self-soothe when upset.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Beni:

“I could not differentiate myself from others“- reads like you have struggled with self-identity, leading to a life without a clear sense of personal direction.

“I can never forgive myself for treating me the way I did“-  you feel a sense of guilt and regret for not treating yourself better.

“I did act in my best intentions and abilities and still I know it was below my abilities”– despite acting with good intentions, you recognize that you did not reach your full potential.

“That I did not ask for help when I needed to”– the difficulty in seeking help and finding the right guidance at the right time contributed to your struggles.

“I kept doing what made me suppress myself“- Continued self-suppressive behaviors took a toll on your well-being.

“I never want to let me down again but also it seems that it is quite difficult to trust myself again“- your desire to change and not repeat past mistakes is strong, but rebuilding self-trust poses a significant challenge.

Advice: 1. practice self-Compassion and Forgiveness: treat yourself with kindness, acknowledge that you did your best given your circumstances and that it’s okay to make mistakes, 2. Don’t hesitate to seek support from trusted others, including from supportive members in these forums, 3. rebuild self-trust: start with small, achievable goals that help rebuild your confidence and trust in your abilities. Celebrate your successes, no matter how minor they may seem, 4. engage in self-discovery: explore and understand your values, interests, and passions. This can help clarify your sense of self and guide your decisions. Keeping a journal (perhaps here, on your thread) can help you in the process of self-discovery.

I hope that this is somewhat helpful, and I am looking forward to reading from you again.

anita