July 23, 2013 at 2:47 am #39075
I’m new on this forum and I want to be sincere…I’m scared of writing my thoughts.
I used to write on forum before, but people were very rude, aggressive and negative. But I trust the tinybuddha blog, so I hope I’m not gonna suffer here.
You can call me Christina (it’s not my real name, sorry for this but I want to keep my real identity protected) and I’m 27 years old (this is true).
I’ve been depressed for years and hopefully I had the courage to ask help to a psychiatrist. It took me 5 years to recuperate. It’s about 2 years I am “depression free” but in the last year I’ve been through so many things. In May, my aunt died for cancer. She was an amazing person, so sweet, a real angel. At the funeral the priest, the choir in the church as all the family and friend members cried from the start to the end of the service.
I’ve never suffered for a such of grief before and I’m crying right now typing this.
And during the service I couldn’t stop thinking that my father has cancer too and the doctor said that he has 3 months left. It’s a way to late for any therapy.
I’m overwhelmed with sorrow, with pain…it seems it’s all around me.
I’m a very complicated girl. My personal life was harsh and I’ve been through very destructive moments. I’ve cut myself with a razor since in childhood and I’ve stop at the age of 14. I’ve been through anorexia and I’m still fighting against depression and the anger that eats me alive.
I don’t have much friends but even though I’m introvert, if I trust someone, I am a good friend and girlfriend.
I always had problem with male figures. My father has diagnosed with schizophrenia and the boyfriends in my past were abusive physically, psychologically and I’ve been raped at the age of 16.
Sometimes I think I’m too damaged to be happy. I think I would never be happy in my life. I generally I don’t think I could be loved by anyone. I feel like infected. I feel like a king Mida reverse…everything I touch turns into shit.
Just yesterday I bumped into the man I’m in love with his new girlfriend…just 2 days ago he said to me that he wants me and all the blab la bla. He is a professional cheater.
I really think I don’t have any value…I feel like I’m nothing.
Sometimes I would go to bed and never wake up again.
My heart is just too broken to be repaired.
It took me months to have the courage to write this…all the things I’ve wrote are true, I can swear on my useless life.
I don’t know how to keep going. I don’t believe in love anymore, I have no hope I have no joy. I feel empty.July 23, 2013 at 6:01 am #39084
I feel your pain and empathize completely. But, believe me, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not come today, tomorrow, or it might take longer for you to reach it, but the inner peace and serenity that you’re looking for is out there. I truly believe that there is a calm place inside all of us and if we could only find a moment everyday to sit in silence in eye of the hurricane that’s spinning around us, we’ll be able to find the strength we need when the winds of chaos pull us into their vortex.
Find strength in the knowledge that you knew and loved your aunt, that you’re getting the professional help you need to deal with your mental illness, the empathy that you feel for your father as a result of his illnesses both mental and physical, and the recognition that the man you have developed feelings for is not right for you and that you deserve better. You may not see it, but you’re already heading in the right direction.
Never forget, you are are good person and your potential to do good for others and receive the love you deserve knows no bounds.
In times like these, I’m reminded of my favourite quote by Winston Churchill, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”July 23, 2013 at 6:42 am #39086
First of all, you are an amazingly strong woman! It takes intense courage and strength of heart to persevere through a life of trials and tribulations, which you are clearly doing by getting professional help and sharing your story here.
Don’t consider yourself damaged, you are a survivor. No matter what happens in our lives, no matter what crap gets thrown our way or how far we fall, we are all always still deserving of the highest love, compassion, kindness, and respect. Joy is out there, it is just waiting for you to discover it once more.July 23, 2013 at 7:13 am #39087
Christina that isn’t Christina,
I know that it feels dark and twisted in this moment, and am very sorry for the struggles you’ve been going through. Feeling empty and alone is terrible, and in my eyes you’re doing amazing all things considered. In addition to John’s heartfelt advice, a few words came to heart as I read your story.
The first is that you say you do not have hope, joy or love. That must be very painful and isolating! Sometimes we have to hit bottom before we can throw our hands in the air and decide that whatever it is that we’ve been doing is not working. When you say “I don’t have”, what I hear is “I wish for” or “I hope for”. So, your past strategy has left you without a feeling of love, hope, joy or inner peace. That’s not a bad starting point, because you very much want them. That means you’ll have motivation to grow and nurture them! See how fertile you actually are for growth!
Inside each of us is the possibility to grow those things. You have a sacred space in your heart that yearns to be open and free. We also all have a part of ourselves that we don’t like, as you said the inner Midas that feels like it turns everything to shit. Those of us who figure out that when it becomes too heavy we can choose to let Midas go are the ones who turn breakdown into breakthrough, build our wings and fly. You are one of those, and in coming here, recovering from depression, crying for your aunt… those are the strong heart inside you crafting your wings.
But, you’re also feeling pretty crappy which means you don’t know how to fly! I refuse your notion that you can’t fly… most of us feel we can’t, but all of us can. Said differently, when Buddha awoke to the nature of mind, he recognized that the seed of the Buddha is in all of us. Most deep lookers and spiritual guides say the same, that there is a song inside each person… that even though it may go unnoticed for years, it is never extinguished and always singing… we just drown it out with noise.
So, enough with the out there mumbo jumbo, I’m sure you need something much more tangible than words on a page, you need something to do, an action to take, a path to walk! Consider for a moment that joy is not something we can have, possess… but rather an energy that flows through us. When we feel the world is tasteless and empty, we have to get that energy moving again! One thing that works for me is getting in front of a mirror and being goofy. Flap your arms, wiggle your body, make quacking noises… shake and twist and bounce and sing. Yes, its ridiculous. Yes, its goofy. But it is often the cure for a heart that has become far too serious. 🙂 As you watch yourself being silly, perhaps you’ll get a glimpse of the inner child who is desperately looking to come out and play.
Another action to try is to apologize to your body parts and wish them well. Don’t scoff, I mean it! Take your left foot in your hands and say “thank you my dearest left foot, you have been a good foot, always carrying my weight… I’m sorry for not loving you and wish you happiness.” Then take you right foot in your hands and “thank you right foot for helping me move forward, I’m sorry I haven’t been loving to you and I wish you happiness”. Then repeat for other parts, such as your eyes, ears, hands, heart, lungs, brain, arms, legs, breasts, elbows, knees, butt, mouth, etc etc. Take your time, there is no rush… and the energy of your kindness and well wishing to your body will help it remember that it is loved. After you finish with all the body parts, you can turn that warmth toward your whole being as well as other beings if you desire it!
Please don’t despair, my distant sister. Beyond the walls of habit is a deep love and joy that is calling to us. You’re in such a favorable position, because you are young, and now that you know how crappy it feels to be empty, you’ll not take your inner warmth for granted. So many others do, and never stop to look. Your pain has stopped you, and in looking around and figuring out what to do next you’re actually on a road of indestructible joy. Said differently, many people have no idea why they’re happy and stable, and because you’ll know why, you can grow your roots deep and strong.
Welcome to the family here at tinybuddha! I hope your stay is long and nourishing, and helps you realize you’re not alone. Many of us have walked through a dark night, felt despair and hopelessness. That is often the feeling that happens just before the wings flap, we let go of the past, and fly.
MattJuly 23, 2013 at 7:22 am #39088
I can understand a lot of what you are going through, as I have been there. There is nothing one can say that can take away from your feelings of grief and loss of your loved ones. But try saying a mantra every morning when you wake up. Find one that makes sense to you. We must remind ourselves everyday that there is a higher power involved. I like to remind myself of one of Einstein’s quotes: “The problem can never be solved by the same level of awareness that created it.” I also wake up every morning and say a mantra about forgiveness toward those that have wronged me. It does not excuse what they have done, but instead allows me to let go. My mantra for that is: Dear ____, I forgive you for not being the person I wanted you to be. I accept what was my experience, and I release you to the universe with love.” Christina, we must have discipline in allowing ourselves to free the demons inside. I also highly encourage you to look into a local CODA meeting in your area. CODA stands for Co-dependents Anonymous. It is like Alcoholics Anonymous, but for those of us who don’t have healthy patterns around relationships. It has saved my life. After almost marrying a sex addict and alcoholic, I realized like you have that I felt I couldn’t go on and was picking terrible people to be in relationships with. In attending CODA meetings, I have found people like me who have suffered from many of the same things that I have and it gives you tools to create healthier relationship patterns.
It is very easy for us to get into a rut where we sit more with the victimization than actually doing something to start healing from it. This is a big choice to make to change, when for most of our lives all we have known is being the victim. We have to learn to identify ourselves as more than that, but it is not easy. I wish the best for you, and hope I have offered you some tools to at least get started. Remember, we will only grow and prosper as much as we let ourselves. Stop giving the bad people the power to disintegrate your life. You are only doing exactly what makes them happy. It’s time for you now. Bless you.July 23, 2013 at 2:09 pm #39096
I’ve read each of your comments 3 times, at least. I will print your comments.
I wanna thank you for your words. And I wanna thank Lori too ‘cos I’m here because of her.
All your words give me some fuel to go on and to go deep inside of me.
@ John: thanks for telling me I’m a good person. Basically, I think I’m not and it is the main reason why I think I don’t deserve nothing good.
@ Jade: I’ve never thought about me as a survivor. It sounds better than damage hahaha
@ Matt: you say “I don’t have”, what I hear is “I wish for” or “I hope for”. This is something really touching. This words really touch me deeply inside. It is so true.
@ Sara: you make me feel less alone as woman.
I would hug you all.
I will try to follow your practical advices.
I want to change the way I see myself.July 23, 2013 at 3:43 pm #39103
Wishing you the best of everything Christina. You really deserve to love and nurture yourself, after all of the obstacles you have gone through, and you will !
Keep going, and do nice things for yourself every day, know that you are not alone. Even though you are going through very hard times, due to family illness, you are reaching out here, and connecting with others – which is a great thing.
When I eventually found mindfulness and meditation, it really did make a difference to my life, and how I was coping with my past and present, (even though I didnt realise it would, and I wasnt really fully convinced !!) There are mindfulness courses that would be with a small like minded group – it really helps you to feel not so alone. Also focus on things you like to do, just for you – drawing, walks, yoga, whatever makes you feel good. Even when we feel like totally giving up, doing these positive things help us to get stronger.
Some of the things you have gone through, and are currently experiencing, were so, so difficult, and like someone said above – you are a survivor 🙂 Be proud of yourself. You are doing the best you can at this moment, and you did the best you could during any past events. Let go of the past, and let it be – it no longer serves you to go there. Reaching out for support is really pro active in caring for yourself. You deserve to be happy, day by day, step by step.
Best Wishes <3July 23, 2013 at 9:14 pm #39107
You are so much stronger than you know. And you showed some amazing courage reaching out here, typing your story and feelings and asking for support. That’s huge! I want you to know that I signed up to join the forums because of reading your message and wanting to encourage you to keep going. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression this last year so I know asking for support isn’t easy. Please know you can reach out anytime you need it.
So much love to you.July 24, 2013 at 3:10 am #39116
I wish i could ease your pain. but for now, i can only suggest things to do or place to go. try to read some books of healing. a lot of them, especially psych books will help you understand and accept things that might be confusing you right now. you can find answers through them, so someday you can move on and live life fully.
i know that religion actually depends on one’s faith. but if you do have a God, an Allah, just go to church and talk to Him. let it all out. cry it all out. find friends who can really empathize and understand your situation. people who would just listen and help you unload those emotional burden.
and if you haven’t found the right philosophy in life yet, try reading and studying Buddhism. most of the questions i have been asking before were answered by this philosophy.
so there. i hope you can find more ways to cope. only you can pull yourself out of that pit and live again. if there’s a will, there’s a way. God bless you.
IrisJuly 24, 2013 at 5:15 am #39125
@ Barbara: “be proud of yourself”. I need to hear this 100000 times a day, at least! Ahahhaha. Thank you so much. I’m trying to tell myself to be proud of the goals I’ve reached. As you said, day by day, step by step.
@ treeroots: you signed up because of me! I’ve never thought I could ever have any impact on someone. You have my support too, as the support you gave me.
@ Iris: you’re name is a flower too. You’re right. As I started to read about Buddha, I feel better.
I wanna say to all of you that I feel better today. It’s incredible how much this conversation helps me in 24 hours since I’ve started! I’ve opened my heart and it has been reached before it falls.July 24, 2013 at 12:15 pm #39131
Yes! I will say it again. I signed up because of you. Out of anyone in the world it was YOU!
And I’ll share some wisdom that my wonderful coach has told me that’s come to mind to tell you.
As long as we see ourselves as “separate” ie our own healing is unimportant, we deny others their healing too.
Giving and receiving is a cycle and turns out to be the same thing.
You not asking for support is not supporting anyone else in healing their pains.
You accepting support eventually supports others.
Something in me healed a little bit at the urge to help support you.
I’ll invite you to start supporting others even by saying – I hear you and I understand. So simple and powerful and needed. You have a lot of life experience to share.July 24, 2013 at 2:06 pm #39135
I like to help others, but I’ve always been too afraid and shy to do it. But now I will 🙂July 24, 2013 at 2:54 pm #39136
I’m introverted and was quite shy growing up. The more you do it the easier it gets! And online makes it even easier to work thru those fears 🙂July 24, 2013 at 3:56 pm #39138
Wow! You sound like a powerhouse. I have been on tinybuddha for a month now, and your story touches me especially because I myself have been through similar things you have. I’m usually not that good with encouraging others, but you are strong and i commend you. Im 18, youre a few years older than me, and if I knew you, I would see you as a role model. You acknowledge your issues, which takes A LOT, you are honest with yourself, but I cant help but feel bad that you sell yourself short. You are strong, beautiful and PLEASE do not let anyone or anything make you feel any different. Everybody in life has a story, and you never know who may be touched by your story. You are a veryyyyy inspiring person, and I think things for you will get better. TinyBuddha is a blessing for a lot of us. Whenever you feel things are getting a little to hectic, just know the people on the forums [here] will always be here to give kind, guiding words. I hope this helped!!July 24, 2013 at 11:07 pm #39149
hi Christiana ,
even though it is too late to reply to your words i wanna say something about it.
just two days back i had read a qoute on this blog that is “every new day is a new chance to change our lives”so keep it in mind we have to keep going because either happy or sad after all it is only one life so.it is easy to give free suggetions but we can understand you have greater troubles and obstacles.but remember there is a bright light after every sorrow situation we have to wait for it and keep going that will definitely helps you.