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I don't know how to let go of him

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  • #60714
    Kelsi
    Participant

    I’ve posted something very similar about my current situation a few months back but some things have been updated. I will give the background story for those that have not seen my original post.

    I met this 24 year old guy through a dating app while I was up at school (my college was about 2 1/2 hours away from home). He lived about 30-40 minutes away from my school, which made meeting each other very convenient. Before we met though, we got to know each other briefly through texting and occasional phone calls. It took a few weeks before I drove up to see him, and when we did, we clicked instantly. The second time I drove up to see him again, and we had sex. At this point I began to grow some emotional attachment towards him. I realized things were being rushed very fast, but I felt blinded by the emotions I was starting to feel for him. I ended up driving up to see him 2-3 more times after that, repeating our routine of having sex, cuddling, etc. He did take me out to dinner a few times and we held hands in public, and he held doors open for me; he was a gentleman and acted appropriately out in public so he wasn’t necessarily all about sex every time I saw him.

    I started feeling extreme anxiety about our situation though because I was transferring to a school back home and it would be about a 3 hour car ride to see each other. I asked if he was willing to see me over the summer, and he said yes, but was not looking for anything serious. I had to end things because I was hurt and obviously was unaware that what we wanted were completely different.

    We stopped talking for about a month, even though we would like statuses and pictures on Facebook, etc. He would occasionally text me and ask me how I was doing and told me that he was thinking about me. Just recently we started talking again. I drove up the 5th time again to see him (now being a 3 hour drive), and spent 3 nights with him for the 4th of July. Everything felt perfect. When we’re with each other we feel extremely close and comfortable. Sometimes I feel like when I want to talk about deep matters, he shys away a little as though he is uncomfortable talking about our situation. The same has applied through text too. Whenever I want to approach him about what we should do with the distance, he simply says “I don’t know what to do :(“. He’s very indifferent about it and it makes me frustrated.

    I brought it up to him recently through text and he said he does not know what to do, the distance is so far but he likes me a lot. I feel like I’ve been so vulnerable opening myself up to him and telling him how much I care about him. I make it known that I want to see where things could lead between us because I am very much interested in him. Ever since that conversation I haven’t heard from him in about 3 days. I’m beginning to feel he doesn’t want to commit. Not only that, but I feel like he might be interested in other girls. I always see him liking other girls pictures, commenting on how fabulous or how beautiful they are.

    Don’t get me wrong, he is a great guy and I know he has a good heart…I just think he might be leading me on and confused about me. And it hurts. So I don’t know how to let him go. I don’t know how to be strong enough about it because I have hope that things could turn around. But maybe I’m being foolish? Maybe I’m holding onto someone who just doesn’t want to be with me. I gave him the option of whether he wanted to let things go or not, and he couldn’t give me a clear answer. I need help on how to handle this situation. I’ve been crying about it because I think I’ve let myself become too emotionally attached to him.

    • This topic was modified 10 years ago by Kelsi.
    #60744
    Anyone
    Participant

    Cheer up Kelsi,

    Let him decide what he wants. If he really likes you, he will make excuses to be with you!

    In love, we get attached to the person emotionally so much that we forget our own selves. I can understand what your going through, sorry for your pain…

    Some things that would help you come out of this situation is:

    1) Divert your mind by doing things that you like
    2) Pamper yourself with anything and everything you like (shopping, eating etc.)
    3) move forward and if this guy contacts you, you need to put up a strong face n voice! You’re an amazing n beautiful person, and this is not the end of life..

    Aah… Do keep a tab on your self-esteem! It often falls when we fall in love…:-)

    Lots of love and positivity to you sweety….

    Stay blessed !!!

    #60861
    MD
    Participant

    Lady, you have to stop making all the effort. If there’s anything I wish I had done differently in the past, this is it. If he wants to see you, let HIM make the drive. If he wants to talk, let HIM make the calls/texts. If you don’t hear from him, it wasn’t meant to be.

    Oh, all the broken hearts I could have avoided over the years if only I hadn’t pursued.

    Also, there is a book. Why Men Love Bitches. Yeah, I rolled my eyes at the title, too, but it was given to me by a forward-thinking, feminist friend who I trust. Such good advice! All about focusing on yourself, making yourself happy, and not kowtowing to men. She read it after a bad breakup, applied the advice in her life and has now been with her current boyfriend (who dotes on her like crazy) for five years and just had a baby boy.

    #60906
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Kelsi,

    You got great advice, here is a guy’s perspective. I agree. My example is a bit different. When in my third year of college, and I had a commited relationship, I would drive 2 1/2 hours back each weekend from my summer internship in another city. When in town otherwise, I usually visited her side of town, a half hour away.

    What would happen if you invited him to your side? Does this make sense? Or is it better to let him come see you?
    Honestly I am still learning.

    Big blue

    • This reply was modified 10 years ago by Big blue.
    #60988
    lissy
    Participant

    @kelsi I think that I can be honest with you here…
    He has already let you know how he feels. He likes you but doesn’t want anything serious. It’s not that he’s leading you on, he just doesn’t want to be tied down. So I think that after he told you that he did not want anything serious and you still visited with him and spent time together…he maybe took it as you understanding what he meant by that. So I think that NOW when you ask him about your “situation” he doesn’t know what to say anymore because he has already explained it to you. He already see how attached and emotional you are about him and he doesn’t seem like a “jerk” and maybe that is why he can’t be rudely BLUNT with you and say he absolutely doesn’t want to be more than what you are now, which is nothing but friends and sex. If you do make the decision of forgetting about him and moving on, the first thing you need to do is remove him from your facebook account and any other social media you might have him on. Not to say you two will never speak again but, it’s only hurting you and keeping your hopes up when he “likes” something and makes him seem interested. For now at least it would be wise to do that. You seem like a wonderfully sweet girl, if a relationship is what you want, this guy is not the one for you. He doesn’t want to be the one for you.

    #61021
    wieethequeen
    Participant

    Hi @kelsi

    I’ve been go through the same situation as yours.Pretty same i guessed.Where I met this guy,but he don’t want any commitment.It was tough because I love him so much and yes,I still can’t get over him .I don’t know when I will get over him.I just don’t know.Maybe i have to wait until someone come and break my barrier.or Maybe until i finished my study and can convince him that i’m loyal and got no one else.Maybe i will wait for that time to come…Cause i’ve been passed a year after broke up wit him.We broke up because,I continue my study to other state,he can’t trust for me to not have a boyfriend(and,this is hard because i’m the type when i fall for someone,he is the only one.No one else).I block him from my fb,but still can’t have guts to delete him in my contact list.And,he still keep my number and rarerly(but still whatsapp)me.Even tough few guys,keep approach me,but he still remain in my minds and my herats.I just wish he knew that,I really love him but its totally hard to convince him since he got dumped before.I guess,thats why he act like that way. And yes,its not easy to go through all this.I know you keep wondering why he act like that but he don’t want any commitment,maybe he needs time to figure everything out. and,how i live my life?I keep doing everything I loved to do.I chase my dream,i become so hardworking,i feel nothing important unless myself happiness and success.And, i don’t even think about looking a new boyfriend.Em, maybe this is my nature.However,I wish you to choose what do you want with him?Do you want to wait or having a new boyfriend?Its your choice dear.

    Be happy 🙂

    #61169
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for the wonderful and kind advice. I addressed this issue to him through phone call one last time and we simply just cannot be. The distance is hard on both of us, and as much as I adore him…it hurts too much to chase after someone who won’t reciprocate. He said we needed to be realistic about our situation, so I did exactly that and ended things. It still hurts and I’m in the process of healing right now. I deactivated my Facebook for a little while in hopes that I won’t get the urge to check up on him and he won’t be able to check up on me; I can’t unfriend him because I don’t want to lose touch with him all together since we ended on good terms and found somewhat of a closure. I realized that I was losing a bit of myself and self-esteem for this guy and I’m trying my best to regain it back. So my journey right now to healing and self-acceptance is going to be hard, but worth it. Thank you all for going out of your way to help me! I truly appreciate it.

    -Namaste

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