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I don't love my boyfriend

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Inky 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #225613

    Holly
    Participant

    Hey,

    I am writing to ask for advice about a new relationship I have just gotten into, I had been talking to a guy for about six months. As I got to know him better and better and we talked more I realised how genuine he was and how he's exactly the type of guy I had been waiting for.

    Three weeks ago I met him for the first time, and while we had only talked as friends before that, we went out and had lunch and it was exactly as it had been online. We both confessed our attraction to one another and that night he stayed over. (Keep in mind this is my first serious relationship, I am 17, and he was my first kiss that night as I had waited for the right person my whole life, and he similarly). In the morning I had the typical anxiety I experienced with all relationships, and threw up multiple times. It faded a few hours later he left and I booked a doctors appointment so that I could get advice so that it didn't happen again every time we hung out. The next time I saw him, the anxiety was gone, but so was everything else, I had no feelings towards him whatsoever. I have had crushes and almost-relationships before, and the obsession and butterflies I have had over those guys are tenfold whatever I feel towards the guy I have now been dating for three weeks.

    Things have moved pretty fast, I have already met his parents, his friends, and him the same with me. Everyone loves us together, and I can tell he's a bit infatuated, he's said I love you, and while I've said it back I feel fake. This lack of feelings nor happy or sad whatsoever is making me feel like I'm crazy. I feel psychopathic even. I have had depression in the past, but this is another level where it's is just pure nonchalance.

    I don't want to talk to him about it because I do not want to put our relationship on edge if it's not necessary. When I was 15, I was in LOVE with this guy and he broke up with me after a month due to lack of feelings and it tore my whole heart open for like, a year, and I would never ever want that for anyone else ever, not because of me.

    He's such an amazing guy, so emotionally stable, so sweet and funny and thoughtful and morally righteous and family-oriented and generous and a good communicator.

    I just want the whole amazing love feelings, but they aren't coming. I would cry, but I can't feel that sad either. I don't know what to do. Don't know whats wrong with me.

    Please help,

     

    Holly

    #225659

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Holly,

    Nothing's wrong with you. Well. I don't like the throwing up because of anxiety. THAT is your problem. Not the boy.

    You are only seventeen! Why all this pressure? You should be pressured into upping you SAT score, getting into a good college and figuring out how you and/or your family can financially swing it. And if you're not planning on continuing your education, THAT'S your problem.

    And if you do go away to college, this boy would be a long distance relationship anyway. Unless he follows you. Then THAT'S your problem.

    Seriously, tell him that you like him a whole lot, but that it's your Senior years and you should have Fun!!

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  Inky.
    #225685

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Holly:

    I think that what happened is that you got very scared and then you shut down, went numb. This reaction to fear happens not only in humans but in other animals as well. The brain and body can't handle too much fear so the animal goes numb. It is called “playing dead”, except the animal is not playing.

    When an animal is caught by a predator and can't escape or fight, it freezes, it no longer feels anything. This allows it to not move. Sometimes the predator goes away when it believe the prey is dead.

    Back to you, you spent the night with him and threw up multiple times because of fear. Then you went numb, all feelings were gone: “the anxiety was gone, but so was everything else, I had no feelings”.

    Are you attending therapy/ counseling regarding your anxiety (which is ongoing, or repeating fear)?

    anita

    #225687

    Holly
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

    I think I might go see someone regarding the anxiety. It is just a different type than I've ever dealt with before.

    What you're saying makes a lot of sense. I don't want the emotions to rush back all at once. Twice today I've had the urge to burst out crying but then it faded just after the tears started.

    #225689

    Holly
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thanks so much for your advice.

    I am at University and go to college studying my dream degree – I graduated high school young. But mentally I don't know how I suddenly got all these adult responsibilities so fast you know? Living out of home has accelerated the pace more than what it would have progressed if I were at home. I still feel like while I don't really care for being single in terms of getting with people or messing around, being in a relationship is so much commitment for your time and energy and I never realised it before now.

    I do still want to enjoy these years of my life. I think I'm going to talk to him and try work out a way to bring the relationship down a notch without ruining everything – if possible?

     

    #225715

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Holly:

    You are welcome. I think seeing a therapist/counselor is an excellent idea. Maybe there is someone available in the university you are attending, available for students?

    anita

    #225765

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again,

    My sister went to college at 17. She always felt a step behind Freshman year. I can't even imagine. Sometimes our brains are ready to leave the nest, but our psyches are still high schoolers. I think your anxiety isn't actually about your boyfriend. It's about being away from home at a younger age than your peers (even though these older college kids technically are your peers now). There's a huge difference between a 17 year old and a 19 year old (boys whose moms strategically held them back) when it comes to being out in the world.

    The relationship is optional. Most are.

    Inky

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