I don't want to end up a step parent, anymore.

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This topic has 15 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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March 21, 2018 at 4:18 pm #198701

JonathanSeagull
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I met my current girlfriend two years ago. Of course, I found out the first day I met her that she had a son, who wasn’t quite a year old yet. Prior to meeting her, I’d told myself I didn’t want kids, and I wasn’t going to date somebody who had them. However, I began to feel differently. I talked with her daily, and about three months or so later, we began dating. Initially, I didn’t hang around her son much. We didn’t all three begin spending time together for several months after my girlfriend and I got together. I began believing that I could end up being a step parent, and a good one. I’ve made an effort to be a part of his life, though, admittedly, I’ve never been around kids before him. Even now, I don’t spend a whole lot of time with him, as my girlfriend and I are primarily hanging out on the weekends, while the boy is at his father’s. I’ve been around him enough, however, to watch him evolve, and I see how hes becoming more and more difficult to handle. I’m coming to the sickening conclusion that I don’t want that kind of responsibility. I say sickening, because I love them both, but I don’t want to be a step parent. I feel absolutely horrible, because it’s taken me nearly two years to come to this realization, and I don’t quite know what to do. Have any of you been in a similar situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and I’ll try and answer any questions as thoroughly and honestly as I possibly can.

Thanks.

March 22, 2018 at 4:16 am #198759
Inky
Participant
Hi JonathanSeagull,

Why was she dating when she had an infant son?? That I don’t like.

You don’t know how he will one day be as the boy is now a toddler, and toddlers are notorious for being, well, DIFFICULT. Then the child will enter into the cute, adorable stage. When he’s in school you will most clearly see his true personality. Then when he’s a teenager he will either be tremendously difficult… or you won’t see him at all.

Either way, are you willing to pay for college one day? Have (or not have) future children based on him? Discipline him (or not discipline him)? Love him like he’s your own? Be able to cut off all relationship with him if you and the mother break up?

I say congratulations for being so honest with yourself! And perhaps leave, for the good of everyone involved.

Best,

Inky

P.S. I was a step child on both sides. Loved at most by one, and tolerated at best by the other. Do you want the boy to feel “tolerated” all of his young life?
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Inky.
March 22, 2018 at 7:22 am #198779

Anonymous
Guest

Dear JonathanSeagull:

I think it is fair and right for you to make a choice on the matter, whether to be a step parent (or a parent), or not. It is your right, an ethical right, to choose not to be one. Even after having been in a two year relationship with the child’s mother. After all, you did not marry her.

Problem would have been if you spent a lot of time with her son and he got attached to you as a main figure in his life, one of three parents, I suppose. But you spent most of the time with the child’s mother on weekend when he was with his father, not spending lots of time with him, correct?

If I was in your place and the boy was not emotionally attached to me, I would be relieved and feel free to end the relationship. Again, you did not get married to her, did not commit to a lifetime with her. You didn’t promise the mother to have a lifetime with her, did you?

anita

March 22, 2018 at 8:11 am #198785

Brandy
Participant

Hi JonathanSeagull,

I see nothing wrong with your decision. A lot of people feel the same way you do! I also see nothing wrong with taking two years to figure this out. You say you feel horrible but I hope it’s not because you believe you are hurting the child by leaving. He has a father; I think he’ll be fine. A lot of people aren’t cut out to be a step parent, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I agree with anita and Inky. It is fair and right for you to make a choice on the matter, and bravo for being so honest with yourself!

B

March 22, 2018 at 8:47 am #198787

JonathanSeagull
Participant

Anita,

We’ve made plans on moving in together, once I’ve completed my Bachelor’s degree, which is probably 2 years off.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time with her son, but we seldom all go out and do anything together, and I really don’t feel there is much of a connection between us. I’m not inherently a kid person, but I’ve made an honest effort to change my perspective. I just don’t think it’s working.

March 22, 2018 at 8:48 am #198789

JonathanSeagull
Participant

Hi,

If you scroll down, I posted a reply to this, without realizing I could reply to your comment directly.

March 22, 2018 at 1:29 pm #198861

Anonymous
Guest

Dear JonathanSeagull:

I am not clear: do you intend to continue your relationship with your girlfriend and move in with her, or are you considering not moving in with her and/ or ending the relationship (because you don’t want to be a stepparents)?

anita

March 22, 2018 at 2:28 pm #198877

JonathanSeagull
Participant

I’m going to talk to her about it, in a couple weeks, once she’s settled in back at home. I don’t think it would be wise for us to continue the relationship, but I’m going to discuss it with her. I know I can’t stay with her, just because I love her. I know I don’t want to make the step parent commitment, and I think if I were to ignore how I’m feeling now, and continue down this current path, I would only end up hurting both of them more, in the end.

March 23, 2018 at 5:27 am #198935

Anonymous
Guest

Dear JonathanSeagull:

You make a lot of sense to me: not sensible at all to ignore such a major thing, you not wanting to be a step parent, and if you indeed “continue down this current path, (you) would only end up hurting both of them more”- excellent thinking, says I.

I wonder if it will take more than one conversation with her. Giving her time to adjust to your new input following the first conversation and before a second, may be a good idea.

anita

March 23, 2018 at 8:34 am #198967

JonathanSeagull
Participant

Anita,

Thank you for your reassurance and support. Upon further reflection, I’ve uncovered another motive for my feeling the way I do. I should mention, I’m 24 years old, almost 25. Perhaps I’m being a bit selfish, but I want to go and do more than I think I’m capable of doing while in this current relationship, if not in any relationship in the foreseeable future. I plan on going to graduate school, and I want to do some travelling. I want to develop a stronger Zen practice, which I’ve neglected over the last few months. I’m also a musician, and I want to explore that avenue more.

I honestly don’t feel my passions align too strongly with hers. We’re quite different. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I don’t feel particularly supported in these things, and have even felt mocked by her over them, at times–at least, when it’s come to practicing Zen. In essence, I don’t feel like I’m growing as much as I feel in capable of growing, in my current relationship, and that crushes me, frankly.

March 23, 2018 at 9:13 am #198975

Anonymous
Guest

Dear JonathanSeagull:

You are welcome. I don’t think at all that you are selfish for not wanting to be a step parent. You indicated that you are concerned for the well being of the child and the mother, so you have their well being in mind, not only your own. It is of course, not selfish to pursue your goals. After all, it is your life, yours to choose, yours to explore.

She mocked you for your Zen practice… well, that is not a good thing.

I suppose you will be ending the relationship very soon, correct? If so, better plan how to do it most effectively. Would you like to share such a plan here?

anita

March 23, 2018 at 10:47 am #199001

JonathanSeagull
Participant

My plan is simply to be honest. As I’ve said before, I’m going to wait until she’s finished moving, so it will be probably three weeks, before I say anything. I’m not entirely sure what exactly I’ll tell her, yet, but something to the effect that the relationship isn’t working for me, that it isn’t personal, but it’s not what I need right now. It isn’t a commitment I can make at the present, and that that’s not good for anybody involved. Something like that.

March 23, 2018 at 11:03 am #199007

Anonymous
Guest

Dear JonathanSeagull:

Well, being honest is telling her what you shared above: “I want to go and do more than I think I’m capable of doing while in this current relationship, if not in any relationship in the foreseeable future… graduate school.. travelling.. a stronger Zen practice… music” and you “don’t feel my passion align too strongly with hers… I don’t feel particularly supported..’-

just change the pronouns and that will be as honest as can be.

The standard break up line “it isn’t personal” or it-isn’t-you, that isn’t honest is it? I mean, a relationship and a breakup is personal.

anita

March 23, 2018 at 11:05 am #199009

Anonymous
Guest

* testing

March 24, 2018 at 5:21 am #199205

JonathanSeagull
Participant

Anita,

Thank you. I will carefully consider the questions I think she may ask and my responses to them.
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