Hi Abigail
Feelings are not “stupid”, they aren’t “right” or “wrong” they’re feelings. I’d suggest get out of “feeling” mode, you can’t make any decisions with feelings because feelings are not based on facts they are based on emotions. You stated this fact:
“He has never given me any reason to think he would leave”
Followed by this feeling:
“I cannot stop feeling insecure”
You feel “insecure” and you state it’s because of your weight. You can change that Abigail; in fact losing weight has NOTHING to do with your boyfriend that is totally in your control. Why you choose to live worrying, feeling sick, feeling insecure and focusing outside of yourself for your feelings of unhappiness?
You can’t change the way others look, you can’t change your boyfriend feelings, or his past BUT you can change your weight. Why choose to live fearing he’ll leave because of your weight and not try and change that? That only you can answer.
The bigger issue here is your child and his or her feelings. Her mother not “living” in the present but preoccupied with the past and future. Teach your child that we can “take charge” of our lives not let our lives be defined by other people’s actions. Helplessness is a learned behavior. You’re stronger than you think. Start small go online or down load an app to count your calories, exercise, keep a journal and join forums. Find support. Take just one step, one action that’s all and then the next action, then the next. Try it for one day; you can do anything for one day. See if you feel more in control of your life.
Good luck!
Pamela

You know yourself. You know your fears. What you don’t know is what your BF thinks.

So I always thought tall dark guys were my type. I meet my DH and he is a tall blonde. 20 years later we are still together. And if he dyed his hair black and got a great tan he would look ridiculous LOL. When you meet The One, all preconceived notions are out the window.

I would focus on other things and keep busy. When these silly thoughts are out of your mind the issue will disappear.

Weight. Health and/or Beauty: I will never be thin again (a choice), but I can be the best size 12 I can be! Rock the body you’re in! Wear makeup, get your nails done, get cute outfits that make YOU look good at the size you’re at! Diets are almost not necessary, but eating healthy food is. And exercise if you want to in what YOU love. Basically do what you love (a good general rule) and you will shine WHERE you love!

P.S. Everyone is getting older, even him, so the less that surface-y stuff will matter as time marches on. Some men do go crazy and choose younger “cute” women at midlife, but that is a symptom of the spiritual body not coming fully in yet.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Inky.

Gee Will…it’s advice such as:

Abigail, rather than putting your energy into trying to be a shape you’ll probably never achieve
that keep people stuck, immobilized and defeated. Anyone can change aspects of themselves or their surroundings, but they have to really, really , really want to change.
So Will you great insight?
Just change your attitude?…great advice. Very similar to, trying to find a good radio station while your car is on fire,

Abigail, a change in attitude will do nothing without an action. It is the action that will empower you and as you gain inner strength than YOU have control of staying, leaving or anything else. It’s your turn, don’t let anyone else DEFINE your life or tell you “you’ll never achieve”…I think we have a name for statements such as Will wrote: “verbal abuse” …diminishing someone’s self worth and negating their power and abilities.
Abigail, stay in the moment take a step toward what you want, focus on you not your boyfriend or his past girlfriends.
Pamela

Feeling not good enough is a sign of self-depreciating thoughts. It would be a good idea to try out little things like makeup or Like what Inky said, you can look great at any size if you know how to dress. For now, this is only temporary relief. What needs to be evaluated is the self-depreciating thoughts.

I know this is obvious but do you find yourself obsessing with imperfections in the mirror? Try to give a limited amount of time in which you spend looking at the mirror, do not avoid it because this may reinforce your self-depreciating thoughts.

It might be worth checking out thought-traps in cognitive behavioural therapy online. This exposes and disempowers negative thought loops that you may have about when you look at yourself. Try to reduce the amount of time gradually that you compare yourself with his exes. Like do you see them on facebook? Keep a journal of your self-depreciating thoughts and try to look at it in different perspectives. Why journal? Well, have you written a letter to your middle school crush and kept a copy? When you looked back years later didn’t the content seem so flawed? When you write something down, it gives you a chance to evaluate it for later versus having no record at all.

I only recommend shaving a few pounds off if and only if you feel it’s beneficial for you. Do not do it with the motivation to impress or too secure your boyfriend. Changing for yourself is entirely different than changing for your boyfriend. Your weight is independent to his behaviour.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Alana.

Dear Mishappy:

Glad you are a new member here in tiny buddha.

You answered a thread from September 2014, a year and 3 months ago.

The original poster was Abigail and she last visited the website 4 months ago. Her last posted was more than 8 months ago.

The people who responded to the thread were: Pamela, Denise, and Alana, all three visited here last a year and 3 months ago, Sept 2014, and Will who was here 7 months ago.

Inky is still here and I hope you hear from her.

I like your ending: one’s self worth is NOT up to someone else to decide! Yes, yes, yes!

anita

Otherwise

Dear Melissa:

You are welcome and thank you for your kind words. I am glad you are in a good place now. Anytime you would like my input, please do post.

Take good care of yourself!
anita