Hi miliMeow,

I’ve only just seen your post, that’s why the delay… I believe that when we want to prove our point (like you do in online arguments), it may come from wanting external approval. Like, you don’t feel good about yourself otherwise, and you need to win an argument in order to feel better about yourself.

Maybe for you it’s not so much about external approval, as much as the need to feel better than the other person (I won, you lost!). It could stem from your childhood, where you perhaps felt you’re always losing arguments, or were bullied, or something like that?

What is it they say during a break up… Its not you is me..

This might not be ‘you’ as much as the communication means. This new communication technology, still in its infancy is something we don’t fully understand yet. We are I think becoming more dependent on ‘smart’ technology to act as our memory and decrement and this is impacting how we communicate and make decision.  In a way the ‘smart tech’ is becoming a new kind of consciousness –  Id, ego, superego, ‘self’… The internet consciousness in its infancy is at the Id level – reactionary, fight or flight… There is very little ‘self’ awareness within the inter-net and its very easy to get caught up in it.

Something about being in a virtual realty that brings out our Id, our shadow and projections. That said being aware of that we can use such interactions as ways to examine our shadow and projections and pull them back. Kind of like what your doing asking the question – Am I this online persona, is that the ‘real’ me?

I did a two-week experiment where I commented on current news stories of a major news network.  Within a week I found myself getting aggressive, angry, frustrated… I discovered I really wanted my opinions to matter and change the minds of others. It occurred to me that everyone wanted the same thing. In such a space it is no wonder that any news comment section deteriorates in to negativity so quickly.

Overall, I found the engagement toxic, not because people didn’t agree with me or like what I said but because the negativity started to impact my engagement with the nonvirtual world.  I could see myself becoming the grumpy old man that can’t see anything positive in anything or anyone.

Why did I think/need my opinions mattered so much they had to change others? Why did I feel the need to communicate and engage with people I would never meet? Why did I need validation from people I would never meet?

I suspect most of online interactions I’m talking to myself. Someone says something that resonates with me and I attempt to understand my own thoughts by responding. Which is why I responded to your post.

Dear miliMeow:

You are welcome.

“I don’t think my anger gets relieved when I argue with people online. I think it’s magnified instead, so I get even more upset and angry if I continue doing this for a long time. Which is why it’s so puzzling“- seems like at first this activity relieved your anger/ made you feel better, so you kept doing it and you got hooked on it: it became a habit/ an addiction. When a person starts taking a drug, an opioid, it feels good the first 10 times or so (I am guessing). But on the 11th time, it doesn’t feel good anymore, but the person is already hooked on it, so he/ she keeps taking it. It’s just too hard to stop.

In which case, deleting accounts where you can possibly reply to people anonymously, like you mentioned in your recent post, is a good idea. In the opioid analogy, it would  be like deleting the contact information to your drug source, or relocating so that your drug source is not available to you anymore.

“I try to wean myself off of it and be nice on the internet. But before long, some triggering post on the internet brings me back to that state and I begin trying to mentally torture people online again“-

You used the verb “wean off” which is often used in the context of drug addiction.

medical xpress. com: ” There is an urgent need to understand why people troll. Recent Australian estimates show about one in three internet users have experienced online harassment… Internet trolling is defined as a malicious online behavior, characterized by aggressive and deliberate provocation of others. ‘Trolls’ seek to provoke, upset and harm others via inflammatory messages and posts… Trolling can cause significant harm and distress. It is associated with serious physical and psychological effects, including disrupted sleep, lowered self-esteem, depression, self-harm, suicidal ideation, and in some cases, even suicide. In 2019, The Australia Institute estimated trolling and online abuse had cost the Australian economy up to $3.7 billion in health costs and lost income….The most powerful predictor of trolling was sadism. The more someone enjoys hurting others, the more likely it is they will troll… The significance of psychopathy in the results also indicates trolls have an empathy deficit, particularly when it comes to their ability to experience and internalize other people’s emotions”.

psychology today. com: “According to the Pew Research Center (Online Harassment, 2017), 41 percent of Americans have themselves experienced online harassment, and over 60 percent report having been witness to such actions. While many of these behaviors are of the milder variety, nearly 20 percent of people in the Pew survey reported they had “been subjected to particularly severe forms of harassment online, such as physical threats, harassment over a sustained period, sexual harassment or stalking… Because loneliness represents a state of chronic frustration and unmet need, it can trigger aggression toward others as a way to discharge tension or express oneself.. psychopathy and everyday sadism have been found to correlate more strongly with internet trolling in previous studies”-

Do you agree with my anger-relief turned addiction theory, and do you think that an empathy deficit, sadism, or everyday sadism- defined as “the pleasure taken at another person’s distress”, and/ or loneliness (boldfaced and italicized by me, above) apply to you, in the context of trolling and otherwise in life?

anita

Dear miliMeow:

“due to the pandemic I have been frequenting a lot of forums where other people’s views are not aligned with mine, especially with regards to race issues and vaccination status. It’s become such a trigger“-

– To the question of sadism, which particularly worries you: for me to understand you better, it would be relevant for me to know those “other people’s views” regarding race and vaccination status. Can you state their views which trigger you so much (not so to open a debate, as there will be no debate)?

anita

Dear miliMeow:

I understand and share your outrage in regard to the two issues, particularly in regard to the first very current public health major problem. I frequent a certain taproom where not long ago I talked about how wonderful vaccines are and an anti-vaxxer verbally attacked me. I remained as calm as possible and did not  engage in an argument or a fight with her because nothing good would have resulted from it. If I argued, she would have felt stronger about her position, not weaker. And in addition to it, I would have made it very unpleasant to visit the taproom again.

And this is what happens online, in the forums you mentioned: people argue, fight, it gets ugly and the result: no one changes their minds and everyone feels even stronger about their initial positions. It is not only a waste of time, but it accomplishes the opposite of what you wish to accomplish.

There is a prayer called The Serenity Prayer, it says in part: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”- can you tell me if and how you can connect this prayer to what we are discussing here?

anita

Dear miliMeow:

“Maybe it means.. to let go of the notions or desire to enact change on those who will not change, and to instead focus on changing those who are not entrenched in their views and those who may be unsure of their views?“- yes, I agree. And I agree with the rest of your recent post.

anita

Dear miliMeow:

You are very welcome, and thank you for your kind words! Post again here or start a new thread on any topic that comes up for you, and I will be glad to read and reply to you again.

anita