I have feelings for my friend & he does too but doesn't want a relationship

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This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.

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December 30, 2017 at 12:19 pm #184437

Alaska
Participant

Hi, I really need some honest advice and although I spoke to my friends about this they don’t seem to understand why I have feelings for this guy and can’t move on.

I met this guy 6 months ago and we almost immediately became friends and it just felt easy and comfortable and we would talk everyday and hangout often. Soon enough we started flirting with each other and hooked up twice but a few weeks later he told me he was in a long distance relationship. I felt kind of weird so I backed off and limited my texts and would speak only when he texted or called. A couple of weeks later he told me that he and his girlfriend broke up and that he was heartbroken and depressed. Since I knew how that feels I just wanted to be there for him and wanted to do everything to make him happy and to see him upset made me extremely sad. I spoke to him every single day and listened when he wanted to vent about his ex , gave him advice when he needed it, made him laugh when he didn’t even want to smile and basically made myself available 24/7 whenever he needed me to just be there and he did need me a lot. In the process I started to develop feelings for him and to see him hurt or sad or depressed made me want to cry.

Then one day he told me that he’s starting to see other girls to get over his ex and that hurt me a little but I thought if this is what he needs right now to be happy so be it and so I backed off again and stayed quiet in the background, and only replied when he initiated a conversation. Couple weeks later he went on a holiday abroad and we didn’t speak at all for almost a month and when he came back he got in touch with me again and thanked me for being there for him when he had no one and how grateful he was to me for being there when he was at his lowest and that he was sorry for disregarding me and making me upset.

We started talking almost everyday again the way we used to and then one day when we met and he wanted to make out, I stopped him and confessed about my feelings and that I didn’t want to go ahead with a meaningless hook up because I started to really like him a lot. He said he liked me too but didn’t want a relationship because he knows he wouldn’t make a good boyfriend from his past experiences even though he was now over his ex, also that he already knew about my feelings. He was really nice in that moment and made me feel comfortable and said I rather tell him how I feel and get it off my chest and that I deserved someone better and not him because he was “fucked up” (in his own words ) and that he’s just been hooking up with several other girls.

I feel like I need to stop being in contact with him atleast for a while or until I can move on from this but he keeps saying he has no one who cares about him as much as I do and how grateful he is to have me in his life and that he needs me in his life but doesn’t want a relationship. It’s really affecting me because I care so deeply for him that to see him happy I suppress my feelings and hide the fact that I’m hurting. What should I do ?

Ps: sorry for such a long post! And thank you for reading it right till the end. Love x

December 30, 2017 at 3:12 pm #184443

Peter
Participant

You already know what you need to do – “I feel like I need to stop being in contact with him” – You just don’t want to do it

Is it possible your looking for advice that validates your not doing what you know you need to do and so keeping things as they are? Trust your intuition and pull the bandage off… the relationship isn’t going to go where you dream it might… if only.

“At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid, and it hurts, but then it’s over and you’re relieved.” ― John Green

When a guy or woman says they want you around but does not want a relationship outside of friendship then there playing you and or don’t know what they want other then a safety net… it may not be a intentional but either way its not fair to you. The probability is that a part of him likes having you to validate and care for him not to mention the ego boost. He might not be aware of these benefits but that is what your giving to him while you are not getting what you need.

You know what you need to do. This back and forth can be played for years but playing it is up to you.

December 30, 2017 at 10:23 pm #184463

Alaska
Participant

Hi Peter,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

You are right when you said ” Is it possible your looking for advice that validates your not doing what you know you need to do and so keeping things as they are?”

Although I know the answer to my dilemma and know what needs to be done , I am struggling to do it because of the fear of losing him completely. At the same time it’s hard for me when I think of him with other women. Just feels like I’m emotionally attached to him and need to cut loose and move on and not keep waiting for him but seems like the hardest thing to do right now and the fear of losing him completely is holding me back.

December 31, 2017 at 4:21 am #184467

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Alaska:

You wrote that you backed off when he told you he had a long distance girlfriend, and later, when he no longer had a girlfriend, but started seeing other women, you “backed off again and stayed quiet in the background”. Staying quiet in the background means that you place him in the center of your mind, your life, and you place yourself in the background… of your own life.

“I suppress my feelings and hide the fact that I’m hurting”- this is what a person does in the background of her own life.

He told you that “he was sorry for disregarding (you)”- to disregard means to pay no attention, to ignore… to brush aside, to the background of his own life. He told you “that he already knew about (your) feelings”, and he… ignored those, brushed them aside because his feelings needed to be attended to.

The two of you then had a meeting of the minds in regard to whose feelings needed to be voiced, expressed and attended to.

This is not a healthy situation, long term, for you. At times, when a person is hurting, it makes sense to attend to his feelings, but long term, you can’t stay in the background in this way and be emotionally healthy.

Time to put yourself in your rightful place: the center of your own life. Let empathy for others take you out of that center only that far and only that long, then come back to you. After all, you have your own pain to attend to.

I hope you post again.

anita

December 31, 2017 at 7:35 am #184469

Eliana
Participant

Hi Alaska,

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I feel since you were there for him while he was going through such a hard time, now he needs to do the same for you. He knows how you feel for him, and that it pains you greatly and distresses you when you see him, because it creates an even more intense emotional bond, the best thing he can do for you is “return the favor” and have no contact with you. If he is down, depressed, sad, I am sure he has another friend or family member. He has leaned on you too much, to the point where he is using you whenever he needs a shoulder to cry on, and this is not treating you right. He may be unaware of the emotional toll it is taking on you, but I would cut off all ties with him, until these feelings you have for him go away.

Maybe in a few months you can be his friend again. But right now, tell him you would appreciate it if he would not text, call or e-mail you, that you need space and time. He needs to respect that. Make sure you don’t follow him on Social media. Please keep posting with your thoughts or comments, and have a Happy New Year. x

January 3, 2018 at 10:36 pm #184957
Alaska
Participant
Dear Anita and Eliana,

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. After reading your replies I self reflected and realised that I am putting this guy or for that matter a lot of other people’s feelings before mine. So much so that I often neglect my own.
I told him how I felt and that it’s not healthy for me to be in contact with him right now but instead of understanding I need my space he’s been calling and texting me everyday saying he is worried and wants to be there for me without defining our relationship and wants to make me feel better but what he isn’t willing to understand is that this, in fact isn’t making me feel any better.
If I see that he has called or texted, it plays on my mind the entire day and I feel uneasy avoiding him. Seeing his name pop up on my screen brings back all those feelings again often interrupting my personal and work life.

Thank you for your patience and for reading my posts. Happy new year x
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Alaska.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Alaska.
January 4, 2018 at 1:30 am #184963

Eliana
Participant

You’re welcome, post anytime..☺

January 4, 2018 at 6:14 am #184983

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Alaska:

I think a key sentence in understanding your struggle is this: “I am struggling to do it because of the fear of losing him completely”-

leads me to think that in an early relationship, one with a parent, likely, you had very little attention and to get more of that very little, to not lose that little, you had to lose yourself, that is, to place your parent’s needs above yours, to attend to him or her and not to yourself.

What do you think?

anita
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