Hi Harry

I have had long distance relationships and navigated them successfully. I didn’t cheat on my partner when I hadn’t met him in person. You were the one who cheated in a long distance relationship because you didn’t care about your partner enough. Will your feelings be strong enough to be committed to your partner when she returns to her country? I guess you’ll find out. Will you be able to resist your wandering eyes and flirting while having no one to hold and being lonely? I guess you will find out. I hope that you have learned your lesson and never hurt her like that again and if you do I hope that either of you has the strength to end the relationship. People do not deserve to be treat like that. Your partner did not deserve to be treat like she wasn’t important and she did not matter.

Hey, thanks for your reply. I avoided this for a while but have come back to it now.

You are welcome. “Yesterday she even met my dad …. If I’m totally honest I don’t know if it is going to work… I’m going to continue playing it how it has been before… She’s still excited for me to come to Australia and so am I“-

– she might be thinking that you are serious about her, being that you introduced her to your father yesterday. When in Australia, she might have you meet all of her family, thinking this is serious, not knowing that you are very conflicted, that you are not totally honest with her, and that your plan is to continue playing it  how it has been before.

“I’m speaking with a therapist who’s helping me with it all“- good thing.

“I won’t bring up what happened before again as far as I can help it“- you mean that you may not be able to not bring up the topic that hurts her.. as in being compelled to bring it up?

“We’ll see how we get on, but for now I’m happy and so is she.“- your romance story has been a very fast romance story, too fast, and she is far away from home. I think that she needs to go back to Australia, and recover in familiar settings: separate her Dreams and Hopes from Reality. Maybe seek therapy there.

It may help if she can see an therapist before she leaves the UK.

I wonder about your attachment style in romantic/ sexual relationships, if it is the avoidant or the ambivalent kind where you seek closeness with a woman, on one hand, and sabotage closeness, on the other hand. Are you aware of the concept of attachment styles?

I’ve been able to largely forget about what I did with the other girl. It comes up occasionally but I brush it off now and it doesn’t affect my thoughts and feelings towards the Australian girl.

I do, however, keep facing extremely conflicting thoughts. One minute I love her, another minute I don’t know if I want to be with her. The thought of her with anyone else is horrible but then I feel like she deserves better than this.

She leaves soon and I’m getting more and more scared of when she does. I’m not attracted to anyone else and I’m going to commit to working so I can save up to get to Australia, but not having her here is going to be awful and I just don’t want to feel like this whenever I’m not with her.

When I’m with her I feel amazing, I don’t want to leave. Once I go home I begin to worry. I trust her 100%. I stupidly told her I loved her when I was with her 2 weeks ago. I felt it completely at the time and I cried when she said it back after a bit of a pause. The last 2 girls I’ve been with have said it to me and didn’t mean it, and to be honest I don’t even know if this girl did. But I think that’s my insecurity.

I stopped therapy because I couldn’t afford it and didn’t think I needed it anymore. I felt fine again. I care for her deeply and don’t want to let her go but I’m constantly doubting myself.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. This girl is everything I’ve dreamed of. Literally.

To be honest I thought about how I’m going to afford Australia yesterday and I’m going to have to delay it by about a month, so I won’t see her for almost 4 months. Once she goes home I’ll get a better grasp of what I want to do.

I’m scared of hurting her but I don’t know if I’m just delaying the inevitable. I know that if I end our relationship I’m going to be heartbroken over it even though it’s my decision. I can’t win either way.

I’ve heard of attachment styles and I don’t know what I fall under. I don’t want anyone else. I want her, but I don’t know if I need to let her go to see the picture clearer. But then if I do that I’m scared I can’t get her back. I feel pretty hopeless right now. I’ve met a woman who makes me happy when I’m with her, and when I leave I doubt things.

I don’t know if this is relevant but I find myself watching adult videos of girls cheating on their boyfriends (made up for the scene of course) and after think to myself ‘what am I doing’. The thought of someone doing that to me is horrifying yet I find something arousing about it?

I would also add that this happens with everyone. My previous relationships I’ve doubted things when I’ve not been with them. I do the same with my family and barely contact them if I’m not with them. When I am with them, it feels like they were never gone in the first place. I’m also extremely impulsive and don’t tend to think in advance.

The only time off I get from these thoughts are when I’m with her, when I play drums and when I play football. Other than this, I can’t escape it. And what’s funny about that is that I’ve only felt this way again the last 3 days.

I know relationships and love aren’t perfect, but this just worries me. I miss feeling how I felt before I slept with the girl from work. It’s my own fault how I feel now.

I’m scared for when she goes home. She kept bringing it up last weekend, I think that might be what’s caused these thoughts again.

Hi Harry

To be fair, someone that you are compatible enough with to consider marrying one day is the only reason a long distance relationship might be successful. But there are still a lot of hurdles to get to that point. Long distance is not easy, but it does make for a fun vacation. The not being together takes a lot of hard work. It is important to moderate your feelings and be aware of the high chance of failure in these types of relationships. Sometimes even if you get to the point where you love someone, things just don’t end up working out. If you want to try and see what happens, that is fine and the most realistic view.

That being said, that you said it’s a pattern for you to be really intense then lose interest is a concern. And you worry about that happening again, which it may. You will have to wait and see.

Your idea of putting less pressure on yourself and the situation is a good one.

I think that the thing would be if you did lose interest, it would be a good idea to end the relationship. It would be a shame to cheat on her and hurt her again. To end things before they get to that point, if you start to feel that way and find your eyes wandering would be a blessing.

These situations are really difficult and not for everyone. It is important to be realistic and reassess from time to time if these things are working out.

I wasn’t trying to be a buzzkill before, it’s just the chances of long distance working out is very low. And to start a relationship off with problems is pretty risky.

It is very hopeful and perhaps not realistic to pretend that things will be fine. But if you are realistic about the situation, that it is difficult and hard work and invest the level of time and effort required. You never know how things will work out.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️

Hi, really interesting reply.

Ive never really looked into my past as a child as a reason for how I feel. To be honest with you I can’t name specific times I’ve felt that way. I was kicked out of my house a lot by my mum, I suppose my dad had left the house abruptly a couple times and stayed away. I was bullied pretty badly in school and tried to just brush it off, which worked at the time.

I talked to her about what we were going to do when she goes home. In order to get to Australia in November, I’d need to work every day from when she leaves till when I leave. I told her I can’t do this. Before I met her, my ex had left me just over a month before and I was in a bad place mentally. She helped me out of that and gave me something new and fun to put everything into. I said I should be able to get to Australia in January.

She also mentioned that she doesn’t think we should begin an official relationship, and that we shouldn’t be exclusive at least until I get to Australia. She said this isn’t because she wants to sleep with other people, but that she still doesn’t have the trust back in me not to do the same thing I did before. She said before she would close off other opportunities for me, but she might not this time. She’s very upset and has cried a lot over the past day, and I can’t help but feel scared because I don’t know if I feel the same anymore.

This just feels so weird to me because a week ago I was watching football with my friends and I missed her. The same happened when I felt this way before and I missed her when I was watching football. I feel like I’ve lost interest, and although she is what I thought I want, maybe she isn’t? She’s funny, very smart, saves money, works hard, she’s going to be very successful and is already on £40,000 a year at 20 years old. She’s conservative (not politically), she cares about me, cooks, cleans, treats me well. She’s not materialistic, she would want to help me improve my life and me the same for her. But sometimes she gets upset about her body (which is literally a models body) and doesn’t want to do things like swim in the ocean when we were on holiday. She doesn’t seem to party, and sometimes I think to myself she’s a bit boring. This feels cruel to say. Before these are traits I would’ve found attractive, and I find girls that are too boisterous and promiscuous unattractive. This girl is willing to try new things with me, but maybe just not everything I want. I don’t know!

I think I’ve devoted so much time to her in the last 5 months without getting over my last girlfriend, and neglected my family and friends so much that I’m now starting to see that too. Everything I’ve done for the last 5 months has been for her. She’s been my motivation the entire time.

It’s strange, I don’t want anyone else, but the thought of this being forever is scary. She’d be an amazing wife and a brilliant mother. She has a great loving family and lives in a lovely house, she doesn’t deserve to be hurt. She whispered she loved me last night when we were falling asleep and it broke my heart.

I didn’t feel it back.

I think the best decision for me now is to try and have a happy 2 weeks before she leaves. It’s likely I’ll suggest that we don’t remain in contact for the next few months as I save for Australia as I don’t think it’s healthy, especially if I want to pursue a potential future with her. I’m angry at myself because I want to love her. I want to think about her and think about our future and be excited. I want to feel how I felt 2 months ago. I want to feel how I felt working 80 hour weeks and thinking it was all worth it and all going to be okay because it was all for her.

She helped me out of a very tough part of my life and I feel like I’m about to drop her into the way I felt. It isn’t fair. Last Friday, she was taking longer to reply to me than normal and it annoyed me, I worried that she didn’t feel for me as much anymore. Then I got to hers and all was well. We had a great weekend.

I do have concerns with our sex life too. She’s inexperienced and doesn’t know what she likes. There is only one way we can have sex that makes her finish, which is her on top. I don’t have anyone in particular I think my sex life was better with before, so I find this weird. Afterwards I feel amazing, but thinking back on it, it doesn’t feel amazing.

I just have so many conflicting feelings. I think I need to take a break from it all and find myself. I’ve relied on women to make me happy for the last year and it isn’t healthy. I feel guilty.

I wish I’d met her in Australia so that I would’ve never cheated, and so we didn’t have to have such a weird relationship. Maybe we’ve spent too much time together in a small period (every minute of every Saturday, Sunday + Monday and some Fridays/Thursday evenings for the past 2 months) so my brain is just used to her now. Maybe the feelings she has for me now are the ones I had for her when I was working so much for when she came. I knew I loved her before she got here, and now I don’t think I do.

Next week I probably will again, maybe I wont. I don’t know. I want to love her, she’d give me a great life.

My exes before have been pretty horrible if I’m honest, one was nice until the end. Maybe this is what my problem is. I’m scared if I can’t love this girl for more than 6 months, how am I meant to do it for anyone else. I’m just in an awful position. I think if I let her go I’ll look back on 10 years and think what an idiot I was.

I don’t know.

Hi Harry

This might not seem like it, but it is good thing. She has boundaries now which is needed for a person to be healthy. If she was a doormat and had no boundaries you would be in a deeply, deeply unhealthy relationship. Repeating your past unhealthy relationship pattern.

It seems to me that you are a bit of a wishful thinker and not very realistic. You work with the person you cheated on her with. No one would be comfortable being in a long distance relationship in that situation. Expecting her to be okay with that is unrealistic.

It hurts that you made a mistake and that you destroyed the relationship before it truly began. Just accept the lesson that cheating destroys relationships. It is a fair one.

To believe that this would work out well was wishful thinking. Being more realistic in the future will save you a lot of hurt.

But hey, maybe the fun vacation was worth the pain? It is nice to share a special moment with someone even if it doesn’t last.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Hi Harry

Well it’s good to hear that you tried to make her feel more comfortable by changing jobs. But it still doesn’t fix the realistic problem for her which is that in a long distance relationship you have proven that you cannot be trusted.

That being said, it sounds like she is trying to accommodate your behaviour by suggesting that it is okay to see other people. She is making it clear that she has trust issues with you because of this.

It does make the whole relationship more insecure in that you would both be potentially seeing other people making it easier for you both to walk away at any time.

If you want this to change, you would have to prove that you are trustworthy by choosing not to see anyone despite being allowed to.

It is up to you what you want to do next and what path you want to take.

She may sleep with some to even the playing field as it were. Some people do that, make things even and call it fair.

Working on not being in your own head sounds like a good idea. Sometimes you have to take things on the chin when you make a mistake. What she is suggesting is fair but if you prove yourself worthy things may change in the future.

Just stay calm and if you don’t want to give up on the relationship, see the situation for what it is. She is offering you a chance. It might not seem that way, but she is.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Dear Harry:

“I’ve never really looked into my past as a child as a reason for how I feel“- look into your past, so much of you is still there.

“I was kicked out of my house a lot by my mum, I suppose my dad had left the house abruptly a couple times and stayed away. I was bullied pretty badly in school and tried to just brush it off, which worked at the time“-  brushing it off worked at the time. It doesn’t work anymore.

You brushed off your mother kicking you out of the house, but your emotional reactions to her kicking you out of the house, as well as your emotional reactions to your father leaving and to being bullied in school, are still ongoing, currently in the context of your troubled relationship with Au (as I referred to her previously).

Most of your recent two posts are about your relationship with Au, and only two sentences are about your childhood. The solution to your current problems is in no longer brushing off your childhood.

I can see that your interest is in talking about the current situation. Yet, I can clearly see that your mental-emotional health is to be found by examining the past and resolving conflicts that originated there.

“She’s funny, very smart, saves money, works hard, she’s going to be very successful and is already on £40,000 a year at 20 years old. She’s conservative (not politically), she cares about me, cooks, cleans, treats me well…“- but if you subconsciously see your mother in her (and in other romantic partners), you don’t see a funny, smart, hard-working woman who treats you well. Instead, you see a woman who repeatedly kicked you out of the house.

“She whispered she loved me last night when we were falling asleep and it broke my heart. I didn’t feel it back… I knew I loved her before she got here, and now I don’t think I do. Next week I probably will again, maybe I wont… I can barely eat. I’m not very hungry again and I can’t focus on anything other than this“-

– from explore psychology. com/ anxious avoidant attachment style: “Researchers suggest that people who are high in anxious avoidant attachment experience a great deal of anxiety in relationships and tend to have negative views of their romantic partners. They need to maintain autonomy and control, which is why they use distancing to cope with the stress that relationships cause…

“Inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving can lead to developing this attachment style… For example, a child may have a caregiver who is sometimes loving and nurturing but at other times cold, distant, or critical. The child may develop a fear of rejection or abandonment, which can lead to a preoccupation with forming relationships and an avoidance of intimacy to protect themselves from emotional pain… Individuals with this attachment style… often sabotaging relationships when they begin to feel too close…

“The first step in building healthier relationships is to identify your attachment style. Once you understand your attachment style, you can work on developing more secure attachment patterns. In therapy, individuals with anxious avoidant attachment style can work with a therapist to identify and understand their attachment patterns. This can involve exploring past relationships and childhood experiences to gain insight into how attachment styles develop… Healing from anxious avoidant attachment is a process that requires both self-reflection and a willingness to change. This may involve examining past relationships, identifying behavior patterns, and learning to be more open and vulnerable with partners. It’s important to recognize that change won’t happen overnight and that it’s a journey that requires patience and self-compassion.”

“I don’t feel scared of her betrayal as you said. I trust her fully. I’m so confused.. Once in Australia, we’ll see where I am“- shine light into your confusion by attending quality therapy, is my suggestion. It’d be a far better use of your money than travelling to Australia. Without therapy, there is no reason to think that the pull-push pattern will cease once you are in Australia. Your pull and push pattern is hurting her.

anita