Hi Harry

That is really interesting.

So you two weren’t in an official long distance relationship. You hadn’t discussed monogamy and weren’t going steady or anything.

In this case, you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and her for no reason. As she said, it isn’t even cheating.

This is what I meant by habits you have of not being realistic and fantasising.

You fantasised that you were in a committed relationship when you weren’t, you fantasised about marrying her, you fantasised about being in love with her while in your mind also fantasising about cheating on her.

The reality is more realistic. You both liked each other and decided to see each other again. You saw each other again and had some fun and some down times, the latter because of all of the pressure that you put on the situation. By fantasising that you cheated and fantasising that you are in love and going to be together forever.

She asked you to drop the topic of cheating before and you refused bringing it up again. In a way it is good that you did because you gained some clarity about the situation. But you also ignored her wishes because you were feeling bad and in doing so made her feel bad. It is a case of not caring if she feels bad as long as you get to feel better. But she cannot make you feel better permanently. Facing reality, that you didn’t cheat. That you are not a bad person for what happened, even though you imagined yourself to be.

After having a row and making up you had amazing sex. This is another thing that is emotionally highly charged and flipping between two emotions. The sadness and connection. Emotional highs and lows. A calmer more balanced perspective would be beneficial for you.

Let me ask you. Is it really so bad for reality that perhaps you both don’t love each other. But just really like each other because you don’t really know each other that well. You are having fun vacations and connecting. Who knows what will come of it? Is that really such a bad reality?

Do you need to pretend that you will get married and be in love when you aren’t yet? Do you need to pretend that you are a terrible person when you aren’t?

As for your feelings changing… sometimes we are not connected to our emotions properly and during periods of conflict it is even more difficult to connect to them.

This girl sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. You could learn a lot from her. About how to moderate your feelings and be more realistic.

Date if you want to, don’t if you don’t want to while you both are in touch and get to know each other and have fun.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hello! I’m actually a teenager in a relationship so I know it’s normal for relationships to suddenly end but..

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now and hes been nothing kind. He’s exactly what I wanted in a guy and more! I loved him so passionately up till recently. I’ve grown bored of him and haven’t craved his company. I suppose during school I had my distractions but now it’s summer and I’ve been so used to being alone. We’ve hung out here and there but recently I’ve found that I don’t feel as happy as I once did to see him. My texts lack emotion and sometimes I dislike thinking about him texting me.

i hate feeling this way because he’s so kind and perfect. He’s done nothing but treat me right and I can’t seem to love him as much as he loves me. Why??? I don’t understand and ive been researching and his forum seems to understand it best. I have love for him but I don’t love him. I’ve thought maybe I’ve become bored of him because in my past relationship, my first boyfriend treated my bad and I had to break things off. I just want to love him because I deserve this but im

not sure. If I don’t get these feelings back, I plan to end it shortly after school starts.

it hurts but I can’t keep hurting him so much. He doesn’t deserve it. Please help me out I don’t understand

Hi, everyone. I know this is a very old thread but I’ve become somewhat desperate for insight into my own situation. There are certainly still things missing but this is a lot so sorry for  writing a book here.

Around Thanksgiving last year I reconnected with a girl I had been friends with as a child. We’re in our early 20s now and hadn’t seen each other in over 10 years. I had no idea I’d run into her but was happy to get reacquainted, and thought she was very attractive. However, I didn’t believe that we’d have much in common or get along very well at that point, so it didn’t go beyond that basic attraction.

Fast forward to winter break, around Christmas, I see her again. In that time her father had passed away. Having known her father, and also knowing what it was like to lose a father (my dad had passed away a few years prior) I wanted to tell her how sorry I was and offer any help I could. We ended up spending some time together and I began to think that we actually got along very well. We bonded over our shared pain at first, then our taste in music and art, and our shared values. We started spending a fair amount of time together. I started to develop a crush. Still, she lived far away from me, and I wasn’t sure that it was wise to say anything about it. I didn’t think she’d feel the same way, anyway.  After our last day hanging out before I was set to drive back to school though, I realized I already missed her. I’d never felt this way before. I’d been in one relationship before, but never really felt love for my ex. I knew I had to do something about it – I couldn’t stop thinking about her and I wouldn’t forgive myself otherwise. School was starting, but the next weekend I drove back to tell her how I felt.

We spent more time together the night I got there. I thought I might spit it out then, but as we stayed up late talking the subject matter got a bit sad. I decided to wait. My last night there I cooked dinner for her and we watched a movie. She told me we had to talk. I then spilled out how I felt, and she said she liked me back, but wasn’t sure it was a good idea considering the distance. I was ecstatic regardless, and neither of us seemed to care if it was smart or not. We hooked up that night and I thought things might go further, but she told me she couldn’t be in a relationship at the moment. I had mixed feelings about her being unable to commit to me in any way, but I understood she was going through a lot and the situation was complex. I told her I’d wait for her, and we agreed to talk about it again when we next saw each other. I wasn’t sure we’d talk much in that time but we started texting almost every day.

I missed her so much just driving away, I almost immediately made plans to drive back again the following weekend. She thought it might be a bad idea, but we both wanted to see each other again while we could so I did the drive again and we spent another few nights together. Then she flew across the country to start school herself.

We texted all the time, and FaceTimed a couple of times a week. It was hard but it felt so worth it. After a few weeks we threw around the idea of me flying over to see her. The next month I did. We had another great 3 day weekend together, and on the last night we once again broached the topic of commitment. She still couldn’t do it and I was hurt, as it seemed her only issue with it was not being able to sleep with other people. I couldn’t understand how she could care about me as she claimed and still want to be with anyone else. I had said I’d wait, though, and even if it was uncertain I wanted to give it a chance. I’d get seriously bad anxiety on the weekends if she’d go out partying with her friends, knowing that she might sleep with someone else, but I told myself I was just being crazy and obsessive. I didn’t want my fears and anxiety to change how I saw her as a person. It continued like this for a while. Things would be great on some days, but some nights I’d be falling apart. I started to take antidepressants which then made it difficult to sleep and messed with my emotions even more. It would get so confusing. If I told her corny sweet things or sent her love songs she’d sometimes tell me my feelings for her were overwhelming but that she liked it. At one point I found out she still had dating apps on her phone and was upset, but tried to be understanding. She asked if it changed how I felt about her. I said that it would taking a lot for my feelings to change. She said that was sweet, but scary. She’d also always bring up perceived “tensions” that we had, such as me not liking hot weather or being disinterested in politics.

We talked about me visiting again, but ultimately she got too busy. Then she got distant. We began calling less and less. We still texted every day, but I worried that she was less interested. One night my anxiety got very bad and I was almost certain she was out with someone else. Before I could control myself but this time I sent a series of texts implying that I thought so. It wasn’t good. It could’ve been worse, but I wasn’t proud of it. In the morning she saw them and was quite upset about it. We spoke about it and I agreed to try to be chill about things.

Fast forward a bit, we hadn’t FaceTimed in almost a month (3+ weeks). I tried to be understanding as she was busy but when we finally did again she seemed disinterested. The next time we called I was less excited. She was still disinterested. There were now times when she’d ignore my texts for the entire day. I finally told her that it made me feel upset and that she didn’t care, and she blew up on me and said she needed space for a couple weeks before we’d see each other again. I was really hurt now and told myself I’d stop caring about her. I tried to detach by villainizing her but for the next 2 weeks I was in bad shape. I didn’t really want to lose what we had. We’d still text a little bit some days, and she’d say she missed me, but I had a hard time trusting her now. I got through it and was excited to see her in person again but something felt off. She didn’t seem very excited to see me, which worried me, and our first night together was slightly awkward. I chalked it up to anxiety over the last couple weeks. Things got better. We spent almost 2 weeks together and had a great time. It wasn’t perfect. I found out she still had a dating app downloaded. It didn’t hurt in the same way though… it made me sad, but more empty than anything. I cared, but I didn’t care. We finally had a serious talk again and she agreed to be exclusive, but made it seem as if she hadn’t been able to for my sake – so that I could find someone local. I was glad but it felt off. The night I dropped her off at the airport I cried. I never cry, but not seeing her for another 2 months was enough.

After that I started feeling empty. My libido decreased, and things didn’t really bring me much joy. We were talking a lot and things felt good between us but all of a sudden I started feeling like I didn’t miss her as much anymore. Then she told me she loved me. I said it back. It felt so good, and so right. But the next day I got absurdly anxious. I couldn’t do anything but lie on the floor or in the bathtub with the lights off. I felt like I was losing my feelings for her and I thought I’d rather die. This lasted for a couple of weeks. Then I started feeling terrible that I didn’t feel anxious. I obsessively googled questions related to it, leading me to this thread. I want to get these feelings back so badly. I visited her recently and some moments felt great. I’d feel so in love with her again. But some mornings I’d wake up and feel like I was next to a stranger. I don’t want to hurt her or lose what we had. She told me her last couple of boyfriends had suddenly lost feelings for her and that she worried about if mine were real. I think it was hard for her to open up to me, which is why things were difficult for a time. Why do I feel like this when things should finally be good? Am I the kind of person that just gets bored of someone? I still want to see her and call her, but I feel so empty inside. I feel like I just started shutting down when she said she needed space. My dad would often disappear for months, promise to come back, and then leave again. I want to rationalize it as being a trauma response. But I don’t know…. This girl is incredible and I’m so confused now. I just hope I can fix this.

Hi John

Well, I think that you have been in a unique situation. She didn’t express a desire to be exclusive, in fact quite the opposite for a long time. She didn’t put the time and effort in to maintain the level of contact that is required for a long distance relationship.

All of that made you feel insecure as you both constantly disregarded your needs in the relationship. Your mental health suffered and you started acting out by accusing her of cheating.

She now feels ready to commit to you apparently and rightly so it sounds like you have some doubts because this is a 360 change from how she’s been communicating difficulties in the relationship. I’d argue that your feelings haven’t disappeared out of nowhere, the relationship has systematically been damaged. Have you asked her why her feelings have changed from being disinterest in the relationship to being in love?

It sounds like she is concerned of the effect of the long distance relationship on you. Quite rightly so. If the situation wasn’t long distance it could have worked. But it doesn’t seem like either of you are suited to long distance relationships.

Something that can save you time in the future is, if someone says that they don’t want to do something, listen to them and don’t try anyway.

Let me ask you, has the communication situation changed? Is she now putting in more effort or is she still not putting in effort?

Part of the problem is that when you suffer and your needs aren’t being met you are refusing to end a relationship that isn’t working out for you. Why do you think that is?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hey Bibi !!

I just wanted to say how much I relate to your statement, a six month relationship and growing bored and basically out of love for my boyfriend. Yes, I love him but I’m sadly no longer in-love with him. Whenever he texts, I just roll my eyes or ignore it for a while because I just do not want to talk to him and become annoyed when he tries to.

It honestly really sucks since he’s amazing and has done almost everything right, but especially with being alone all summer and doing my own things, he’s become just a person I know to the point I become slightly annoyed whenever someone brings him up.

I right now don’t completely know what to do, if I want to end things or if I want to see if I will fall for him all over. Maybe when schools starts I’ll see.

But yea, I totally relate to your situation right now, hope everything has gone well for you !!

– Strawberry <3

Hey helcat!
thank you so much for your words!!
growing up i’d say my childhood was fairly good besides having divorced parents who would fight like nobody was around. They are actually friends now. Besides that I think i lost feelings briefly because we no longer saw each other a lot. I’m scared now that the feeling of not wanting him will come back but I’ve tried to be happier about the fact that I love him in my life and I hope I will feel more stable in the future.

Hi, Helcat. Thanks so much for taking the time to read that and respond. I would say communication has improved. She’s a lot more open to calling again and now that it’s summer we’ve been able to spend more time together. I do wonder how that’ll change when she’s busy with school but I’ll worry about that later I suppose. She’s definitely putting more effort into hanging out as well, though that was never much of an issue when we were together in person.

I think the reason I was so determined to make it work was because I really feel like what we have is special and had never felt this way about someone before. I knew I couldn’t do it forever but I wanted to at least give it several months to see if she would be able to commit. I also knew that, at least at first, most of my anxiety about it wasn’t based on any real evidence that she would sleep with anyone else. I’ve wondered if I should ask her but I don’t believe that she did and am not sure it would be productive.

If I can’t get over these feelings (or lack thereof) I’m afraid I will have to end things for both our sakes, but if there’s anything I can do to recover them I will do it. I think she’s noticed that something is off. Maybe I should tell her what’s been going on so that we can work through it together and I don’t blindside her? I’m afraid that will hurt things more though.

Dear Dylan:

As I read your post, I thought to myself: what an empathetic, thoughtful and kind person you are! (so I figured I’ll type out my thought).

“When I met her, her Dad’s contact on her phone was blocked. Not even a year before, her parents got divorced… Until she met me and we started dating, she didn’t believe in love because her parents were never in love (arranged marriage) and it was very tough on her mother… Her mother’s siblings all have complicated relationships with their spouses too“-  witnessing her parents’ marriage (and others’) left a bad taste in her mouth, so to speak. It makes sense that to prevent marriage, she’d fall out of love. It makes sense that she has trouble committing to a relationship that may lead to marriage.

“What I really want to know is this: what can I do to ensure that she never has to ‘fall out of love’ again? I had an excellent three years but I also don’t want to be with someone who isn’t ready to commit, so I am not going to try and convince her to come back or anything. I just want her to experience true love like we had but the next time, she stays in love.“- no one can ensure that she never falls out of love again. Quality psychotherapy can help her recognize and process her different feelings about her parents’ divorce, about her mother and about her father. following that, she may be able to have a healthy, committed relationship/ marriage.

anita