March 14, 2018 at 10:00 am #197129
Similar to painful love addiction. I had personal crisis. I was at rock bottom. I started getting in religion. He was my mentor I met him at a Christmas party. He isn’t the best looking guy, he is overweight. He is also 13 years older than I am. He was into Buddhism too. After I my personal crisis, I was pretty much rock bottom, I just wanted a nice guy. And he fell for him at my most vulnerable. He was interested too. We messaged each other daily. Then we met for a dinner date. At the age of 28 I have never been on a date before. The date went badly because I talked about my affair briefly, I said all the wrong things. I still liked him and hoped there would be more dates but there weren’t. He still messaged me but not daily, maybe every second or third day or once a week. On March 17th, 2017, we met again and we had dinner and a movie, I pushed for a romantic movie but he wanted to watch Logan. That should have been a hint. He then rejected me. It hurt so much because I got attached to him deeply and quickly. They aren’t lying when they say “the depth of your love today, the depth of your wound tomorrow, be careful who you fall for, make sure its reciprocated”. He said he was about to establish a relationship with someone else. I felt so worthless that someone else was chosen over me. I cried. It hurt. He let me have a break, didn’t contact me for weeks to let me heal and get over it. This was a year ago. Truth is I never healed or got over it. I could never get over the rejection. He still messaged me and I was addicted, like a druggie. I would be so high when I got the messages then when he didn’t message me I would be depressed. We use to talk deep about religion, he would have the occasional flirt, but it was mostly friendly banter. I heard it didn’t work out for him and his girl. My best friends, my close friends, my therapist have all banned me from talking/messaging him. I was supposed to block him on whatsapp months ago. However I don’t want to let him go. I know its false hope. I hope that we would get together someday. However over the past year we have only met a total of 3 times and towards the end of 2017 he did ask me to watch a movie, but it was a last minute invite and I had other plans already. I don’t want to block him, however he doesn’t message me that often anymore (since the year started 2018, before 2018, messages were more frequent, suddenly in 2018, messages were less), just once every 2 weeks. And the last message was on 5/03/2018, I replied two days later because I was busy. He hasn’t replied yet. He also wished me happy valentines day, but never asked me out. I was thinking about asking him out but I couldn’t handle another rejection. Today it is 14/03/2018. Instead of listening to my friends, I stopped initiating conversation all together. Maybe I should block him on 17/03/2018 the anniversary of him rejecting me. Since I am still in touch with him, the periods where he isn’t messaging me I get pangs of depression worst in the morning. This really has everything to do with me. I was abused as a child. He is 42 never been married, everyone says there is something wrong with him. This is a terrible love addiction. Why is this a text message relationship? I wish we could be friends, but everyone tells me to let him go, to block him. I’m torn I do desperately want kids someday and I am 29 and the biological clock is ticking. I came here in desperation hoping someone will say something different.March 14, 2018 at 11:35 am #197269
I am trying to understand. You suggested that you would desperately want him in your life, as a boyfriend, correct? And yet when he asked you to watch a movie, at the end of last year, only four months ago, or so, you “had other plans already”.
How is it that you didn’t change your plans so to get together with him?
And then, when he messaged you last, May 3, of this year, you “replied two days later because I was busy”-
How is it that you didn’t reply immediately, given how intensely you wanted him in your life?
anitaMarch 14, 2018 at 11:36 am #197271
* didn’t reflect under TopicsMarch 14, 2018 at 12:41 pm #197293
You have been getting advice from everyone in your life including your therapist and you are here looking for something different? It sounds like you want to keep asking until you hear what you want to hear.
It seems like you need to continue to get therapy for your self esteem and sense of worthiness.
MarkMarch 14, 2018 at 1:02 pm #197295
I often look at life challenges, especially relationships, as something that is like a mirror of our internal state. Let me give you an example. I recently felt like my fiance was not giving enough attention, I felt like he was not responding to my msg (I was away on a trip) and that when I finally got a hold of him he wasn’t compassionate and kind in his words. Knowing that my relationship with others is often a mirror of my internal state, I asked myself what that moment could teach me about my relationship with myself and realized that I had been neglecting my self care and also not paying attention to my own needs. I was trying to please others and posting tons of stuff on social media, all that to seek external connection when all along I was craving internal connection.
That said, what is your relationship with him tells you about your relationship with yourself? What is your body and mind trying to tell you? You are worthy of a relationship but you have to believe in yourself. You have to believe that you deserve better, you have to believe that you can be happy.
Most of us have a trauma story either from childhood or adolescence, but not all of us have dealt with forgiveness and many still don’t believe that they are “worthy” of love. That is something that you will need to explore, how are you expressing love toward yourself? What is your inner conversations toward yourself, your body, your accomplishments, your life…? That is where you will need to go to heal that side of you. This is one of my favorite go to meditation when I sense chaos in relationships….https://youtu.be/-d_AA9H4z9U
I hope you will find peace and wisdom through these words.
Love and Light,