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I lost the guy I thought he's the one

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This topic contains 18 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Becky 6 months, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)
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  • #127993

    JY_Lin
    Participant

    My bf of 2.5 years wanted to stop the relationship. We were happy initially. After being together in Singapore for a year, he was deployed to the US to work. After a year of the relationship, problem arise and he was thinking of breaking up. I dont want a break up and knowing that We were very different in terms of lifestyle, preferences and views, and we do argue a lot. I tried to change and tried all methods to improve the relationship. He gave our relationship a chance and appreciated my effort.

    10mths in the long distance relationship, I thought everything went well and was improving. A minor disagreement triggered the breakup again.

    He said that his motivation and passion to improve the relationship is decreasing daily and he couldn’t see that there are any future for us, he don’t see me as the woman he wants to spend the life with. He is not eager to want to see me and talk to me. During the 10mths far away from me, I thought things will change but no, he felt stagnant and could not add value to this relationship. I tried to convince him not to break up and seems like he’s firm this time.

    He said he still loves me, although not as much as I do, and he gave us the last option. To gave us a month of cooling period without contact each other to re-evaluate the relationship again. Honestly I know that the one month won’t make him change his mind. Once he’s decided on something, he’s firm with it

    I am so crushed. This is the worst pain I ever felt. I see him as the one, the last guy before I get married. I have dreams with him. Now all are gone.

    #127995

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi mangomango123,

    The worst is when we decide to break up with someone and they give you 100 reasons why you shouldn’t break up and why you should stay together. DON’T be that person! Do you really want to be with a guy who kind of wants to break up with you, who will dread phone calls, and has one eye out the door? That you see only a few times a year if you’re lucky?

    NO!

    You want a guy who is loving, devoted and local. A guy who will run through the fields for you. Whose eyes light up when you walk in a room. And YOU are his five star card!

    When the BF calls, don’t respond for a week or so. When you finally respond to his call/text/video chat (give it ten days) say that you’ve met someone. (From the future but whatever.) He will be shocked, stammer, and be at a loss for words. Then you say good bye first.

    You will be the one that got away.

    Maybe revisit him in five or ten years if you guys are both single.

    He had his chance. (That’s what you say to him when he’s the one that asks “WHY?”)

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Inky.
    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Inky.
    #128003

    JY_Lin
    Participant

    @inky

    Yes, I longed for such guy who treats me like how I treated him. I do admitted I felt inadequate in this relationship and thought that’s how he express his love. He told me to love myself more. I wonder if he is telling me to treat myself better by looking for someone who is more suitable for me.

    I still loves him very much though.. the memories, his genuine care and concern. Can’t believe all is gone.. I kept blaming myself for not doing enough, for not being a better person for him…

    Thank you for the advise. It did triggered my thoughts abit (though am still grieving)

    #128005

    Inky
    Participant

    Another good line is “It’s not working.”

    Next month:

    Him: *tries to contact you*

    You: *radio silence*

    Him: ?

    You: (ten days later). “Hi Brian. I just want to let you know that I’ve met someone.”

    Him: “(!!) But I thought we’d agree to take a month and see where we are (??)”

    You: “Yes, I know, I’m sorry.”

    Him: “So who is this guy??”

    You: “His name is Brian too. I know, I know, crazy, huh?… Listen, even if I didn’t meet Brian, it’s just not working.”

    Him: “Stephanie, I..”

    You: “Goodbye sweetie. You were always such a good friend.” THEN HANG UP!

    That’s it! You have your dignity. You will be free to date someone new (probably not named Brian). Then radio silence on your end (I know it will be hard). And maybe, just maybe, in the distant-ish future you can start again.

    Best to You..

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Inky.
    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Inky.
    #128013

    Inky
    Participant

    Disclaimer: People on the board hate (HATE!) when I tell people to lie.

    If you want to be honest, just use the “It’s not working” but please break up with him FIRST.

    He will be all “What the..?!” and might try to win you back.

    Let him.

    In The Future!!

    But I think you dumping him for another Brian (the old Brian he used to be) will be good for him. Just saying. 😛

    “Brian takes me out for beef bowls for lunch..”

    “Hey! I took you out for beef bowls at lunch!!” XD

    #128017

    JY_Lin
    Participant

    I know him. He won’t fall for this. I guess he’ll be even happier if I found another one who is more suitable for me. Deep inside, I knew he won’t want me back if I leave. He himself have considered all factors before making this decision, so it’s not a hasty decision.

    #128019

    Inky
    Participant

    Just say “It’s not working” and end it yourself.

    So example, I always assumed I would be the one to break up with my BF, but when he broke up with me first it blindsided me. And you are always on better emotional/psychological footing when you are the one to make the decision rather than passively wait for his decision to dump you.

    Like why would you let HIM decide on YOUR romantic future? Who does he think he is? Don’t let him give you a month of waiting around (how arrogant of him!). Tell him now that you see clearly and “It’s not working”.

    #128137

    anita
    Participant

    Dear mangomango123:

    You wrote: “We were very different in terms of lifestyle, preferences and views, and we do argue a lot”-

    What were the few most significant differences in lifestyle, preferences and views between the two of you?

    Who initiated the arguments? How often did you argue and how did an argument sound like/ look like?

    anita

    #128143

    JY_Lin
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Well I was the one who initiated the argument. Most of the quarrels were about jealousy, insecurities, he having not much time for me. Etc, after I realized these are ruining the relationship, I began to change. I tried to control all these negativites and began to communicate more and tell him more about how I feel, how we can improve things, that we can try to do smth to see if it could work.
    After the quarrels, once we cool down, we will apologize to each other and tell each other we still loves him/her. After a night sleep, we will be back to normal.

    #128145

    anita
    Participant

    Dear mangomango123:

    Arguments, quarrels are not congruent with love. At first, I understand, you started fights (arguments, quarrels, same), followed by cooling off, making up and going back to a happy-enough normal. But over time, with more and more fights, the “normal” for him after the fights was distress and unhappiness, and so “his motivation and passion to improve the relationship” decreased daily, you wrote. Until he … didn’t want a future with you.

    You tried to change, to no longer start fights but you failed, and one time, a “minor disagreement” caused another break up.

    If there is a chance for this relationship, you need to stop fighting, stop arguing, stop quarreling. There are ways for you to assert yourself without aggression. If you can’t live with the differences you have with him “in terms of lifestyle, preferences and views”- then don’t be in a relationship with the man, but don’t stay in the relationship and fight and fight… and fight yet again.

    Do you agree with what I wrote above? (Be back in twelve hours or so)

    anita

    #128147

    JY_Lin
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I totally agreed. I have spoken to my mum about that. That’s what exactly she also told me. Best if no quarrels ever existed. Once quarrel started, it will continue. I am feel inadequate in this relationship and that’s why I expect and demand from him. Different lifestyle/ preference are secondary and through time, i believe both party could come to consensus on the different lifestyle.

    It’s too late. When I finally learnt where’s my mistakes, he’s gone. I doubt that he will change his mind after the 1 month cooling period. Since his heart and feeling no longer feel the love. I regretted on my actions greatly. I should have listen to what my mum said and change permanently when my mum told me the same mistakes I’ve made during my breakup with my first ex.

    I still wish to be with this guy. But… all hopes are lost. He won’t turn back 🙁

    #128163

    Mark
    Participant

    I’ve been through this exact thing. We did the month thing, then got back together for more than another year but the second time she was less committal than before and she just wanted to steal more time with me while figuring other things out. She was my the one too and definitely did love me. I’ll always love her but I try to go out and find someone else, it’s all you can do. Also, over time it does get better, for me I was pretty crushed for a solid year, and still wake up from dreams where we are back together. But it’s less and less frequent, and it hurts a lot less. Best of luck. Just don’t waste anymore time on this!

    #128179

    JY_Lin
    Participant

    Dear Mark

    I am sorry to hear this. Maybe I am still in the denial stage of moving on. 2.5 years may not be long, or short, but I have a lot of ‘first time’ activities with him. Those memorie and gestures, it’s already part of my life. The effort on how he planned the to have the best memorable road trip to the US last Nov was burned inside my brain.. I can see he is really working very hard on top of his hectic work life. He gave me greeting (belated bday, Xmas and valentines)cards with love messages written on the cards just recently etc. Somehow, I felt cheated when he told me he still loves me but he had planned to break up with me way long ago. My cousin told me he loves me, but don’t love me enough.

    #128217

    anita
    Participant

    Dear mangomango123:

    You wrote that you “feel inadequate in this relationship and that’s why” you quarreled with him- since those feeling of inadequacy still exists, maybe attend competent therapy so to examine this feeling, resolve that distress involved and so prepare yourself for a better relationship in the future, one without quarrels.

    anita

    #128257

    JY_Lin
    Participant

    Dear Anita
    Well, I felt inadequate because he doesn’t give the attention I need to feel adequate. Of cause I’m not asking for his 24/7 standby, but his effort of calling as and when he’s free, even if it’s 1-2 minutes call. I felt that he can go on with or without me, and if I no longer be with him, he doesn’t feel he lost me. That’s why I felt quite insignificant. When I’m down or depress, he doesn’t seem to show emotional support (maybe the way i want), I feel that he can only handle happy moments but not challenge moments on the relationship. Felt that it’s like “please go and manage your own temperament behavior and whimps. I can’t take in all of these nonsense as I’m already so busy and stress up with work already” trying very hard to understand him, I felt neglected. I told him before, while he said that he already texted me more than he texted his family members.

    Maybe I am too demanding. I should be more independent, having my own programs and not revolve most of my focus on him. I shouldn’t have depend on him for my own happiness, which further drained and stress him more. He told me he wanted me to love myself more, and that both person should be happy and ok to be alone (by themselves) before loving and going into a relationship.

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