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I must be living wrong but I don't know how to fix it

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 days, 21 hours ago.

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  • #293763

    FancyFondue
    Participant

    I’ve heard the expression that a persons stars and moons are out of alignment but never believed in anything like that. I’ve had so many negative events in my life the past few months that I honestly feel like I’m living wrong and the universe is trying to push me in another direction, or something has happened to make my life out of sync with the universe, or something. I know I need help but I don’t know where to turn. I do have good friends and they have said that I definitely have a black cloud over my life right now.  I’m surviving each day, but each day I’m sinking a little deeper. I’m on anti-depressants and I know if I weren’t I would be in a mental hospital already.   I’ve been single 10 years and only a few relationships during that time. I was basically a single parent so I chose to focus on my kids. They’re young adults now and starting their own life. My father is almost 92, had a mini-stroke and now his memory is going so he is becoming very dependent on me. I’m starting to feel empty.   With all the negative things happening to me and my dads dependence on me, I feel like I’m being broke down to nothingness.   I know there are no answers, just feeling really overwhelmed.

    #293775

    Mark
    Participant

    Sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed FancyFondue.

    You say you need help but don’t know where to turn.

    You alluded to being depressed.

    You say you are the sole supporter of your father after his stroke.

    All that is true?

    I did not see what exactly you need for help.  Is it with your father?

    You did not say what were the many negative events that happened in the past few months besides your father’s stroke.

    Please elaborate on those things, i.e. what kind of help and what were the events that are overwhelming you.

    Mark

    #293847

    FancyFondue
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    I didn’t get specific because when I started listing out everything, I felt like I was whining. I saved for years to have a deck built in the backyard and in March I hired someone to clean and re-stain it. He did such a bad job that he had to unscrew everything and flip the boards to start over. It still looks bad. It was my happy place after work and now I don’t want to even look at it.  The backyard is so full of weeds I don’t know what to do. I used a spray that was recommended to me and I failed to read the label – it was a weed and grass killer so everything died. Now nothing but weeds are growing and all the dead grass and weeds formed this think layer that is so bad that when we had a few days of rain the water didn’t drain and started flooding. Yesterday I found what I think are termites on the some the boards on the deck. It’s treated wood so didn’t think that could happen, but ok. Work has been taking a big downturn. I’ve been blessed in the past to not really stress over being able to pay bills, but now I’m worried about the next couple of months if things don’t pick up. I took a demotion because of the time I need to care for my dad. He is very stubborn and refuses to even think about either getting someone in during the day to help him with grocery shopping/cooking/cleaning, much less moving into a retirement community.  It just feels like every aspect of my life is falling apart and needs my full and complete attention to fix.

    #293985

    anita
    Participant

    Dear FancyFondue:

    The guy you hired did a bad job cleaning and re-staining your deck, it still looks bad.  You accidently killed the weed and grass and these formed a thick layer that prevent rain from draining, causing flooding. You may have a termite problem in the deck boards. You took a demotion at work so to take care of your father and you are worried about having enough money to pay the bills in the next coupe of months. Your 92 year old father refuses to have anyone else help him other than you with grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning nor will he consider moving to a retirement community.

    Understandably you are overwhelmed.

    When having a house and property, there is always something that needs to be done, some things urgently, others later, but there is always something. This is why a lot of people, as they get older, downsize, moving to an easy to be maintained smaller house or apartment. Is that an option for you?

    * I will soon be away from the computer for a few hours.

    anita

     

    #293999

    FancyFondue
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I have thought about that, downsizing that is. I have 2 dogs, a cat and the 4 of us spend hours in the backyard. It really is my escape, which is why what’s going on is so tough for me.

    I have to say, just “talking” about my thoughts and feelings has made me feel better. I do have friends, and I have talked to them some, but I don’t think I fully tell them everything. So glad I found this site.

    #294003

    anita
    Participant

    Dear FancyFondue:

    I am glad you are glad that you found this site, good to have you here!

    Downsizing is an option to keep in mind then, depending on the real estate market situation in your area, it might be profitable, to sell at the right time.

    Regarding your father, him not wanting someone else to take care of him, being stubborn that way, you .. don’t have to accommodate his stubbornness, you can be stubborn too, better use the word assertive. Who knows, he may  like it if someone else takes care of him, he just doesn’t know it yet, or he may like to live in a retirement home.

    Doesn’t he prefer to not burden his own daughter?

    anita

    #294005

    FancyFondue
    Participant

    Yes, downsizing is definitely something I’ll need to think about.

    My dad is stubborn, for sure. He doesn’t want to be a burden, and I don’t think he fully gets the stress his care puts on me. My mom lived in a nursing home about 3 years before she passed from Alzheimer’s and even then he said he didn’t want to be put away in a home like that – even though he knew that was the only decision to make sure mom was taken care of. He’s at the just right spot where he needs help but is aware enough to know if I tried to get outside help.  I keep telling myself that one day I will wish he were still here for me to fuss about. Some days that works!

    Thanks Anita~

    #294085

    anita
    Participant

    Dear FancyFondue:

    You are welcome. I don’t know if you want to think this route, so feel free to not answer my question (answer only if you are absolutely fine with it)- why didn’t your father take care of your mother, it being he thought so poorly of the nursing home she was at, having outside help come to his home?

    anita

    #294957

    FancyFondue
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    He did try to avoid the nursing home for her as best he could. He hired someone to come in during the day to help him for about a year. She got to the point where she didn’t know who he was, kept asking where her husband was, and was getting very upset daily that her husband left her with a stranger. It took such an emotional toll on her, and her, that the doctor recommended the nursing home for both their benefits. He level of decline really slowed after she went was admitted.

    By the way, I’m doing better emotionally. I’m trying to just focus on what I can do today and not stress about tomorrow. I’m also getting better about letting him know that I can’t do everything for him and we are going to have to consider options. I’m hoping if I’m consistent with it he will eventually stop fighting.

    Also, I’ve decided that my home has a hex on it and I’ve just got to roll with it! One side of my fence fell down this past weekend and in trying to clean up all the dead grass and weeds by burning, I accidentally set the trash can on fire! There were so many ashes that I had to dump the fire pit and thought it was cool enough.  I’m trying my best to laugh about it – but nervous about another weekend coming up!

    #294959

    Robin
    Participant

    Hi There. It does sound like you’re going through a really difficult time. I’ve definitely had my share of difficulties, and I once felt the same way you described – that I must be living wrong because my life was in such shambles. I started doing two things that completely turned my life around: 1 – I asked myself what were the things about me that I was unhappy with, and I began to take action on those things, one-by-one. 2 – I decided to start listening to my gut over my head and my heart. I feel our instincts are conversations with the universe. Once I surrendered to this belief and began to trust my gut, my instincts, above all else – I knew that I was on the right path (ie, not living wrong) and things seemed to fall into place. Do you trust and listen to your self? Or do you do like so many of us and constantly think and analyze and rationalize? It’s hard at first, but gets easier with practice. When trying to figure out what’s right for you, simply close your eyes and ask yourself your question; ignore the head and the heart and feel your truth begin to radiate in your gut. Sending lots of positive energy your way. ?

    #294977

    Mark
    Participant

    FancyFondue

    Glad you are feeling a bit better.  Good to have a sense of humor as a good coping mechanism.

    As Robin suggested, take action one-by-one so it all does not seem overwhelming.

    Mark

    #294979

    anita
    Participant

    Dear FancyFondue:

    True to my home too, the work is never done, always something. Just the way it is. I deal with it the way you do: “I’m trying to just focus on what I can do today and not stress about tomorrow”. This very early afternoon, I am trying to not focus on the work I intend to do later  today (clear leftover sticks from burn piles, something I have been postponing for a long time), not stress about it now as I sit here at the computer.

    “I’m also getting better about letting him know that I can’t do everything for him and we are going to have to consider options”- I hope he understands because he considered options for his own wife when he was overwhelmed with taking care of her.

    “I’m hoping if I’m consistent with it he will eventually stop fighting”- you have to take care of yourself, this is your primary responsibility, so be assertive with him, is my suggestion. Let’s say you come up  with two options for him, two nursing homes for him to choose from. Take him to one, then to the other and let him choose. If he refuses to choose, you choose. Treat  him all through compassionately and assertively.

    anita

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