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I need help in clearing my mind , confused about my feelings about my ex .!!!!!

HomeForumsRelationshipsI need help in clearing my mind , confused about my feelings about my ex .!!!!!

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 43 total)
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  • #79831
    jen
    Participant

    Thank you.. thats very insightful.. however, sometimes i really want him.. and the thought that i will never see him again burns me alive.. i always want to see him and be with him for the rest of my life. even if its impossible i belive that nothing is impossible so sometimes i feel like i should try my best to do whatever it takes to be wit him in case he changes his mind. should i stop thinking that? how u do accept things ? i feel like i am giving up if i stop trying and i dont want to give him up..

    #79838
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lemonflavored:

    I just read your original post in full for the first time and analyzed it. I do it as an exercise for myself, seeing what I can learn from your post. I realize most likely it will be of no help to you (the analyzed). But there is a chance that something MAY be helpful for you if you consider it and deem it of some value. So here it is, analyzing as I type the following:

    You wrote:
    “I am an independent girl and i have never ever given a guy priority over my own self. I have always put my feelings first before anyone else…” But deep inside you were protecting the part of you that was hurt and that needed another. Like you went 180 degrees the other way of being the needy person inside, so to protect yourself. That is the persona you exhibited, convincing yourself you were not needy, that you could take care of yourself, that you can and will live without … love.

    “… when he got angry it was something new and i kinda felt a rush) i felt like he was angry becasue he loves me too much…” His anger, the passion in his anger, you got a rush, this is very telling, You figured it meant he cared, that he loved you. Nice guys in the past didn’t do it for you because they didn’t exhibit that passion, the anger.

    “…and i tried to do everything he wished just to prove to him too that i love him…so just for him i totally changed from this tough girl who didnt care about anyone to this girl whose life revolved around him.”

    You would do anything to be loved, wouldn’t you, once it is a possibility, once you thought it was possible that you are loved, once you felt the RUSH of being loved, you would do ANYTHING. (Welcome to the human race…)

    “… i felt happy just living only for him. because i felt so happy with him.” Yes, isn’t it a rush, to be loved?
    and then he left me.”

    The thing is he was angry with you because no matter how much you tried to please him it wasn’t ENOUGH because he is still hurting from not being loved as a child. Whatever you did, he was like a young child throwing a tantrum: ‘It isn’t enough! It isn’t enough!”

    You thought his anger was about loving you but his anger comes from his deep hurt from not being loved. It is his desperation for love that fuels his anger. And it is your desperation for love that fuels your trying to please him.

    “…but i just cant get myself to let him go. i worry that he must be sad and need me. and that makes me cry and hurt.”

    I think you are right: he is sad and he does need… love. This is what you have in common with him: you both desperately need to be loved but you both have deep hurts for not having been loved, you dealt with that hurt in different ways though.

    “…whatever i do for him is never enough. he has a major anger problem and i have asked him to be a little cool about it but he says he has a dead heart when angry. but i dont understand if he really cares for me how can he stay angry at me?”

    I think he is angry at the person he needed his or her love (mother most likely) and who did not love him and until he faces this- well, he will keep being angry. ANd whatever you do- will never be enough.

    If you are calm enough to contemplate my analysis here, what do you think? Do you agree with any of this? And where do you go from here?

    anita

    #79843
    jen
    Participant

    whatever u said is hundred percent spot on.. it was his father… and i know thats why he is emotionally broken.. and thats why i feel guilty to leave him.. is there any chance that i can get to help him understand this?? i tried to make him confortable by being extremely open about my deepest feelings.. told him everything of how i never felt loved for certain reasons.. n he did tell me about his father.. but i think he doesnt realise he has a problem because of his childhood.. and i really want to help him.. m trying to get over my issues by myself.. reading things.. but i really really want to help him.. i dont want him to suffer alone.. thats y i dont feel like leaving him until he becomes fine…

    #79845
    Nekoshema
    Participant

    At this point in time, it’s not worth it. It sounds like you both have a lot of emotional problems to work through individually, and a relationship isn’t the best idea right now. I don’t know why you’re so emotionally distant with people but you might want to gaze inward and work on yourself before seeking others for love and acceptance. I say this as someone who has been there. Long story short I got hurt as a child and to protect myself I became a cynic who kept pushing people away to protect myself. I wound up falling for a close guy friend who treated me very similar to how your guy treats you. My now ex wound up cheating on me and got the girl to text me an apology, and then he tested me a breakup speech that simply twisted the knife. My point is, I know how you feel, and how hurtful it is for someone you were once ‘perfect with’ to suddenly walk away without much effort. You need to cut him out and focus on yourself.

    To start I suggest you journal, meditate and/or do art. Try to vent and let everything out, after a week or so, try to work through your emotions [not just towards him, why you push people away] and slowly try to stabilize yourself. Maybe one day he too will change and things will work out, but as it stands this doesn’t sound good for either of you.

    #79847
    jen
    Participant

    so its ok to leave him n try to make myself better?? i m not abandoning him am it? i mean i feel guilty if he is lonely n sad when m trying to be happy..

    #79851
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lemonflavored:

    Of course it is okay to leave him and try to make yourself better. Of course it is okay. You are not his mother and he is not your minor age son. You are not responsible for him even though you feel responsible for him. When you feel responsible for him, this feeling you have does not indicate that indeed you are responsible for him. It indicates something else: maybe that you feel his pain intensely, that you know how it is to not be loved, and you want to help… yourself really. through him. You want to get love by giving it to him. Unfortunately it is never going to be enough for him.

    What you need is to be loved. Unfortunately even though he is as desperate for love as you are, he is not available to love you. Get love from an available source then, not from an unavailable source. Sad but true.

    anita

    #79887
    jen
    Participant

    Thank you so much!! so i ll try to make myself better and whatever will be will be.. i will stop dreaming of saving him.. i ll save myself first..

    #79894
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jen:

    I hope you post further on this thread-
    anita

    #79902
    jen
    Participant

    I m sure my cribbing might get old.. but last week i finally decided to let him go after the way he shouted at me and told me to leave him. literally begged me to leave him alone.. i felt so hurt but somehow relieved that i was not the one who initiated the final breakup. otherwise if we ever spoke again he would give me grief about how happy i was to break up with him..
    however, i wanted us to have a good goodbye.. a mutual understanding that we wont work out the way we are but still wanted us to respect the good times we shared and depart as good friends.. so i texted him asking whether he could spare ten mins for me just to talk..he did not respond.. it was over whatsapp. all our conversations happen over whatsapp.. so i messaged again asking whether we could talk for ten mins whenever he calmed down.. he finaly replied saying never to expect him to get over his anger and calm down..so i said m not gonna say anything to anger him,i just have few things to say and that i needed him to just talk to me for ten mins because i dont want to just message him whatever i wanted. i wanted a conversation not a monologue.. i mentioned that i understood that he wanted me out of his life and that i also did not like to make him frustrated again and again so to let me know when i can talk to him …to which his response got hyper and said some mean things like “did u make a vow to make me mad?” and stuff like that.. i said no and he said that all u do and u always want to pick a fight..
    i feel sad that he always think m bad.. when i was struggling with him leaving.. i was a mess. i cried every sec and whenever he was busy or something i might have gotten upset.. few times.. and he called me evil.. he said that my mind has become evil.. and when i look back everything i did was either wrong or bad according to him.. and that makes me wonder whether i am really a bad person… maybe i dont know it but maybe the reason i cant find love is because i dont give love? or i m bad by birth?

    #79903
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jen:

    I think you and him dance the dance of anger and desperation. From reading only your last post above it appears like he wants nothing to do with you, but reading it in context of previous posts it makes me think that once you do leave him alone he will contact you, only to re-start the dance of anger and desperation. It is not a .. good dance. It is not a boring dance- full of energy and drama- but well, what is the end of it? What does it resolve or achieve?

    I highly suggest you stop THIS dance. What do you think? and how can you do it? How will you resist the pull of the dance?

    anita

    #79938
    jen
    Participant

    you are right! but somehow i keep hoping that he will change and all.. its stupid.. i know.. i just can never get angry at him or feel like he is wrong.. m trying to accept that we arent compatible ..

    #79983
    Annie
    Participant

    Hello Jen,

    I agree with everything Anita has said. Is this close to what you think? Do you think you can change him? If you love him enough, then he will change? Go no contact with him and don’t look at his social media or have any sort of communication with him. Grieve if you need to. Once you can get far from the situation, you can analyze it and have a more clear perspective on the relationship. Understand that he is not capable of or does not want to give you what you need (Affection and/or validation). You should focus on yourself and figure out what you need and who you are for now.

    #80030
    jen
    Participant

    Thanks Annie, I m still struggling to walk away.. its been one week since i said my final goodbye to him.. and i rarely use my phone anymore. i deleted my social media profiles and have been not active on whatsapp .. but sometimes i miss him soo much.. i just want to text him… but i dont… but again i get second thoughts which tell me to do it.. like u said.. i need to look at it from a clear perspective and what i really expect of him or want from him.. as of now.. i think m just so used to him m finding it hard to be without him… and plus the thought of him having fun without me sometimes makes me feel so petty..

    #80630
    jen
    Participant

    Hello everyone! I have been trying to make myself feel better but it doesnt work so easily.. I feel something and i need to understand why i feel that .. i hope u can help me out..
    so i m ready to forget him and leave him out of my life for good.. i m ready to move on.. and i feel ok not talking to him.. i have others things to keep my mind busy and i dont think about him 24/7 as i used to.. but.. whenever i think that m actually gonna let him go. i feel guilty.. i feel like i am doing something wrong.. yes, he makes me feel like shit and he hurts me by so many ways and i know nothing will get better but.. i feel i m wrong in moving on… feel like m the bad guy for thinking that.. i feel so guilty even if i know he is already moved on.. why do i feel that? reallly need some good insights.! thanks guys!

    #80633
    shanicka geeston
    Participant

    WOW!! Your story is what I went through for 11 years. The best advice I can give is let go.. Start finding the strong you, the you before him. Men like him are parasites that suck the life out of you. When they feel they have gotten all they need, the become distant and evil..Focus on yourself..Look at yourself everyday and say, “I’m beautiful,” “I’m above and not beneath,” “Greater is He thats in me than he that’s in the world.” Start focusing on things that make you happy. Think about something you used to do before him that gave you peace..The most important thing is to love and accept yourself..I can relate to your message because I been in same situation. Mine, however, was physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.. I refused to let him kill my spirit. And though I thought that I was strong, I became complacent in his behavior. I tried to correct his wrongdoings when he blamed me for them. I had to tell myself that I mattered. My heart is too big to allow someone to make me feel small. Yes!! It hurts but everything happens for a reason. If God brought you out of this then look at it as being a lesson. The lesson could be building your strength!! Change your attitude about the situation and see the silver lining. Pain is real, so cry it out. But joy is around the corner. Open yourself up and allow it to come in..May you be encouraged and let the light shine through you!!

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 43 total)

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