I need help in clearing my mind , confused about my feelings about my ex .!!!!!

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This topic has 42 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 28, 2015 at 10:21 am #80650

jen
Participant

Thank you for your kind words… but why do i feel like i am at fault? i just feel like everything is my fault for not being good enough or understandin enough and so i feel like i m doing something wrong by moving on…

August 8, 2015 at 7:03 am #81443

jen
Participant

hi there! m writing again just to clear a few doubts. hope somebody can give me a clear perspective.

i realise, what i m most concerned about is the fact that i feel guilty.. i think i should move on because staying here only hurts me but when i really think i will move on a small voice in the back of my head tells me m doing something wrong.. its sucks.

this small voice is his voice. his words. his reaction.

whenever i have tried to move on he always say something or the other which make me feel like m doing something wrong by moving on even if he clearly seems to have moved on. yet he doesnt want me(according to his actions)

i m mostly worried about the fact that if in case we do get back together one day even as friends , he is surely going to say these words “you were so happy without me. u moved on so easily.”

and i know i will feel guilty then. i dont want to feel guilty. so i try my best to make him understand how hard this is for me. i dont ever want to give up but he being so cold to me. it hurts me more than anything.

am i being selfish? should i just forget everything n disappear?

August 8, 2015 at 8:25 am #81447

Anonymous
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Dear jen:

You wrote: “he is surely going to say these words ‘you were so happy without me. u moved on so easily.'” Did someone – mother, father- in your life was happy when you were sad. that is he/ she/ they lived their lives as usual as if you were not hurting, as if you didn’t exist, not SEEING your pain? did the world kept on happening even though to you- the world has ended?

In other words, is it YOU that you are seeing in him?

It is WRONG for a parent to not see the child, to not see that there is a person there or to not see that for the child, the world has ended, so to speak. I is wrong for a parent not to see ongoing, intense pain in the child and to move on as if nothing happened.

Is this the “wrong” in your guilt?

anita

August 8, 2015 at 9:16 am #81448

jen
Participant

i quite dont understand what u r trying to say…

fact is he always does that… n just few days back i had texted him for some purpose and even if i was trying to be friendly and understanding he responded very coldly to me… so i obviously felt hurt,i asked him when he will finally talk to me nicely again and he said never to expect that. so i just had to tell him that “i wish we could be very good friends even if we cant be together. i value u in my life and wish that u would consider me a friend as well and not respond so coldly”

to that he responded…

“i know you are very happy to be just friends. you were waiting for this day for so long”

which bewildered me because i was trying everything to make him come back . finally i gave up n accepted his decision in never speaking to me again but because i still care for him i just put it out there that i would like us to be friends. and he responded like that.

and that makes me feel guilty . like i m the one who is running away from him. when all i have been trying to do was to get him back . yet he says these words all the time ” you will be so happy without me. you cant wait to get away from me”. which makes me question whether i am not doing enough. or whether i m not showing him enough love. because i know he is like a child. so i start thinkin its my fault and if i really do move on then maybe i will be betraying him.

August 8, 2015 at 12:53 pm #81459

Anonymous
Guest

dear jen:

It could be that he is recycling his own childhood hurt for having been rejected. Angrily he brings it up again and again, trying to punish you for (his parent/s) rejecting him.

he may be manipulative, seeing that such comments work and you feel guilty. You are sensitive to his comments because of your own reasons. I don’t remember if we already discussed it- did you share about the nature of your guilt? What motivates your guilt? Did you experience much guilt as a child, feeling responsible for any one of your parents? Being responsible for their pain just like you feel responsible for your ex bf’s pain?

anita

August 9, 2015 at 8:23 am #81491

jen
Participant

i never felt responsible for anybody s pain.. but i have always felt less. like whatever i do is not good enough.. or whatever i do is something wrong.. even when i do something for myself i always felt guilty because they would show in actions and words that m selfish.. maybe i am.. n that makes me feel like a bad person … the guilt i feel for him is because i know he can never show his tantrum throwing side to anyone .. in front of the whole world he is the best person who can never utter a bad word or even be angry.. he shows his dark side only to me…and i feel good in letting him be a child.. and i feel guilty that he may never be let himself go n be a kid sometimes because we all need somebody to pamper us and listen to our tantrums.. i was always happy to do it for him… it made me happy that i could allow him to do that..

August 9, 2015 at 10:01 am #81498

Anonymous
Guest

Dear jen:

You feel that you are selfish when you think about your valid, reasonable, natural self interest. When you watched your ex bf act for his self interest, express his authentic needs, you wanted to help him. The message in you being so invested and motivated to help him – may be your NEED to act for your own self interest, to express your authentic needs and feelings. If this is the message (for your examination), what do you need to do if you listen and honor the message?

anita

August 9, 2015 at 10:39 am #81500

jen
Participant

you may be right.. but how does that help me ? how do i stop feeling guilty? how do i start thinking of my self interest? if i had any clue how to , i wouldnt be writing here…

August 9, 2015 at 12:31 pm #81506

Anonymous
Guest

Dear jen:

i do have a simple answer to your question about how you start thinking of your self interest. You do what your ex bf did, what you supported him doing, what you feel too guilty doing yourself but felt good seeing him doing it. You throw a tantrum, you show YOUR dark side to someon, you let yourself be a child.

You wrote: “…he can never show his tantrum throwing side to anyone .. in front of the whole world he is the best person who can never utter a bad word or even be angry.. he shows his dark side only to me…and i feel good in letting him be a child..”

Again, you “throw a tantrum”, you “utter a bad word,” you “show…(your) dark side,” you “let…(yourself) be a child.”

How do you do that when you feel shame (that you are a bad, selfish person)-

You examine that feeling of shame or guilt as you refer to it, through good psychotherapy. Once you examine it and understand where it comes from and find out, but by bit, that you are not a bad person, that your needs are valid, that your feelings carry valid, understandable messages… then you will be able to throw the tantrum, utter the bad word, show your dark side and let yourself be the hurting child that you were. You will be able to be the hurting child you are keeping in a cage inside of you.

it takes time and help. No fast answers or solutions. Can’t do it alone. Can’t do it by intellectual understanding alone. On this forum you cannot get the experience you need to heal. That experience you can get only through an actual healing relationship, be it with a good-enough psychotherapist, with a healthy, caring close friend.

anita

August 9, 2015 at 5:48 pm #81510
TriangleSun
Participant
Here is the guy’s perspective.

Anita pretty much nailed it. You both need love. However, to get there you both need someone who can show you how to love and be loved. How to be compassionate, trustworthy and supportive. It seems like both of you lack the “know-how” to make the relationship work. And I think part of the reason you do is because you’re always trying to find love in people who are too much like you.

Having a lot in common like hobbies and interests is a great thing. But having similar personalities in a relationship is just… I don’t know… Why would you want that? I know it feels great initially because you just click. But, ask yourself. What would you learn from each other? What’s the beauty in sameness? You both struggle with the same things and moving forward is just going to be inexplicably difficult. You can’t learn anything from each other because there is nothing to learn. You can’t move forward because every step seems like a never-ending argument. You can’t help each other because you can’t help yourself.

What I’m saying is, as hard as it may be to realize, this guy isn’t for you and you’re not for him. And neither one of you should feel bad about what had transpired. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that you need someone to “show you the light” and these people are still in the future for both of you.

So my advice is this… embrace the differences between yourself and other men you meet in the future instead of ignoring them or treating them as a negative. Learn to share your feelings with others in your life. Communication is like freakin’ air in relationships and friendships. Practice being a little bit more open with people close to you. I’m not even talking about men in your life but close friends. The more your practice the easier it will be to communicate in your next relationship. Also, being independent and strong is great. But you’re a woman for god’s sake! Show your soft side and don’t hide it behind 4 layers of armor. Being confident doesn’t mean not caring about anybody else but yourself. I love when women radiate love and positivity along with strong sense of confidence and self-awareness. It’s incredibly sexy! So don’t hide!

Oh and you’ll be just fine! Trust me! Don’t feel guilty about any of this. Life is a learning process. The more mistakes you make the more you learn 🙂
- This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by TriangleSun.
August 10, 2015 at 7:55 am #81540

jen
Participant

thank you! n u r right.. i want us to move forward n understand that we cant help each other.. but everytime i try to bring it up. he just starts attacking me instead of understanding.. so my question was.. its perfectly fine to stop trying right? i tried my best to talk to him n make him understand but he is never ready. so i dont have to do it anymore right?

August 10, 2015 at 9:11 am #81542

Anonymous
Guest

Dear jen:

It is okay to stop trying to help him. It is not him you were trying to help all along, it was the child part of you that you were trying to help. It is not him you saw all along. He reminded you of yourself (having so much in common with you to start with) and the caring all along was for the hurt, sad, scared and angry child that you were and still are inside. There is a child part in you that you do not see except in him. The part of you that feels guilty for leaving him- even when he is the one who left him- is the mother part of you. You feel guilty about leaving your child, scared and sad adn lonely.

You must have been very scared adn very sad when you were a child, very much alone. It is scary to be afraid and alone with no one to comfort you. You don’t want what happened to you- to happen to him.

The difference is that if he was like the child that you were, he wouldn’t be leaving you- he wouldn’t be angry at you. If he was that child that you were, he would be attached to you with such intensity.

If someone was there for you when you were a child, you wouldn’t be leaving that person.

You are confusing him with the child part of you that is still scared and lonely and who doesn’t want to be alone. Your attachment to this man is your child part, in you, part of your psyche, right now screaming: SEE me,. notice me! I am scared! I am sad! I am angry, so angry for being ALONE. Nobody is helping me! Be with me! Please !!!!

anita

August 10, 2015 at 9:44 am #81543

Anonymous
Guest

correction: “even when he is the one who left you (not “who left him’)”
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