Aww ladies 🙁 i’m so sorry to hear both your stories!

Sunbeams – how comes the decision to end your engagement? I know this must be an extremely tough time for you, I know it is for me.. has it been long? Any suggestions or coping mechanisms?

Risha – somewhat similar to myself. Although he didn’t leave me for his parents I know his family had a very big influence on his decision and his life in general. It sucks and has shattered my heart into pieces in the process 🙁

Hi Tom,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me! I have replied to your post on another thread where you went into some detail about your current situation and I must say the story is so relatable it brought a tear to my eye!

Our relationship was literally perfect for 2.5 years. We were lovers and best friends. However we then unexpectedly faced a situation on which we differed opinions on, his family very quickly took his side and became quite emotionally abusive to me. He withdrew completely and essentially walked out on me at the worst times of my life due to being unable to stand up to his families influence.

At the time I felt deeply hurt, betrayed, angry, confused. How could this have happened?! How could the man that loves me so much have walked away from me in a time like this and not only completely let his family take over but also not even attempt to stand up for me in the moments where they actually became bullies!

For my own sake, I decided to leave the country for a month to go and see family abroad as I knew I could not be here. We managed to delete one another off social media and stopped speaking for about two weeks. We then ‘popped up’ to one another once every week or two just to see how the other is doing. I won’t lie when I say I had complete moments of desperation where I thought pouring my heart out would change the situation. It didn’t. So I then started refraining from and trying to control the urges to contact him when I was at my lowest. So at this point the contact was the on and off ‘hi’ every couple of weeks.

When I returned back home we had agreed to meet to exchange some of our last bits and at this point I said I would like to cut off complete contact because I can’t move forward knowing that he has the option to pop up whenever he sees fit. He agreed. And I think what happened is he panicked. He showed at my house with my stuff as agreed and decided it was a good idea to start a heartfelt conversation with me for the first time since the beginning of our breakup. He is pretty much a closed book 100% of the time so I know this took a lot of guts for him.. He mentioned how he may seem like he’s getting on okay but he isn’t actually coping all that well. That he believes he has made a mistake and he’s sincerely sorry. That he loves me deeply and would like to make amends and give us another try as we were so happy! I of course at this point was in absolute shock! This is the same man who ignores any and all of my attempts to have a conversation which went beyond a Hi for over a month! Nonetheless, stupidly I heard him out and my heart felt for it all over again..

After the initial hesitation, we started talking a little bit more often. Meeting up here and there. And about a month later we ended up right where we started. With the complete lack of effort from his end. The excuse this time is ‘I have to work on myself before I can be who you need me to be, I need to figure myself out’. Which I understand.. but I thought the whole summer was exactly that time and when he showed back into my life that he was sure.

WI’ve come to the conclusion that maybe although we were so happy for many years, it just isn’t that anymore. And you’re right, it’s very easy to remember all the good times and probably what I fail to do is actually remember why we are here in the first place. This man has failed me in the worst possible way, worst possible time of my life! I have to remember this!

I know now that we do need to cut off all contact. It is going to break me but it has to be done otherwise I will never heal from this!

My rational mind knows what I need to do. But my heart fights these thoughts every single day. It is tough!

Flo,

Firstly a big big congratulations to you on taking that HUGE step to finally cut ties with this man. Because it is a huge step. So well done! Good on you! I am hoping to also take that step sooner rather than later as my rational self knows that’s the best thing for me.

I think you have a major point regarding the idea  of getting back together or the what if’s that come with that for being the reason that you kept in light contact. I can completely relate and honestly say I’ve been doing the same thing. I think for me, I think somewhere deep rooted in waiting for the 11th of October to pass (what would’ve been our anniversary). I’m not entirely sure why or what I’m expecting to magically change in the next few days but perhaps to me this is the kind of closure I need? Perhaps my trail of thought is that if we both get through that day with absolutely nothing, and the day is nothing then maybe that’s all the reiteration I need. The mind works in mysterious ways eh!

I can definitely say I’ve made progress as a month ago if someone even suggested to cut complete ties I wouldn’t have even considered it. At this point in time, I KNOW it needs to be done. I think I am somewhat ready to take that step. I believe I will also feel about about not discussing this move with him but why should I? Why should you? We owe these men nothing!

How often did you guys speak in your ‘light contact’ phase? Is he likely to pop up again sometime soon?

Dear Flo,

I know that the 11th of October is a non existent day at this point, nonetheless I am holding on to some kind of hope that perhaps things turn around then.. I know they won’t but the battle between mind and heart is a truly difficult one!

Another lady on the forum, Shelby, mentioned on her thread the difference between acknowledging that we may be okay in 6 months time being away from the ex, but do we really want to be away from them for so long? No. And that is another hard pill to swallow I think.

The heart wants what the heart wants unfortunately.

I think you’re very brave and strong to be in a place where your rational mind takes over what your heart may want. You are right, you absolutely need to do what’s best for you and your healing and your wellbeing. As do I, I’m just not quite there yet.

I think sometimes we as people look for some kind of grand gesture or sign for closure. Perhaps the 11th is just that for me.. I hope it is.