August 24, 2019 at 4:15 pm #309183
Since I’ve started to understand and be in relationships, I’ve always had a committed relationship (at least I thought I had) and right now, after 2 big commitments and several heartbreaks, I’ve come to a conclusion that I should be alone for some time. I know that I wouldn’t be able to survive without any flirtation or something else, I’ve decided that I shouldn’t feel committed to anybody. But this is where the problem manifests.
Maybe because of my childhood traumas, maybe just because I like to commit to someone or feel safe with someone, I have a tendency to feel attached to the people I flirt or hoop up, whatever. (PS: I also have the anxious attachment style along with the intimacy issue and fear of abandonment, i guess.)
Currently, I am in a friends with benefits situation with a caring friend who I haven’t feel attached to in that dangerous way -yet. So that situation can transform into something else in which I can suffer. But I also like this other guy from my school who I’ve spent some time and started to feel attached and because we weren’t in a relationship, I had a bit of a meltdown and because of my meltdown, we ended up not seeing each other. These days he started to text me and I am hopelessly hoping that he would want to be in a relationship or at least something. So my tendency is waiting for me behind the possibilities.
And maybe the guy I am obsessing over is the reason why I am not committing to my friend with benefits.. If I didn’t have that guy in my mind, I wouldn’t be able to have this relationship without committing. I should be able to do this, I think.
I know that I should be focusing on myself and all but I can’t help myself about feeling this way. I also think that because I want this thing to happen, I should try it. But I know that I shouldn’t be obsessed about it.tldr: I should be able to not commit to anyone, how to do it?August 24, 2019 at 8:59 pm #309195
I read a lot of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” in your posting. It sounds like you are conflicted with your behavior with how you actually want to be and feel. Have you thought about having a therapist to figure things out within yourself and how to change it?
I am unclear what is the problem for you here. It sounds like you are conflicted with your relationship situation between the FWB and this other guy. You are conflicted between this problem and the idea of being by yourself and focusing on yourself.
MarkAugust 25, 2019 at 1:06 am #309197
You are with a caring friend who cares enough about you to have sex with you. Because you knew him as a friend first, you don’t have the same sense of fear as you might with someone new. Whatever label you choose to put your current relationship under, you two are lovers. You fear moving on from this state into your ‘danger zone’. Committed relationships represent danger for you.
You are attracted to this other man who has been texting you of late. Is there any reason why you can’t meet up with him and take it at your own pace? You don’t have to become intimate with him until you are ready. You don’t have to commit to him if you don’t want to.
I think you need to examine your attitude towards commitment and fear of the danger zone which means that you will end up getting hurt. It’s natural for us to want to protect ourselves from being hurt. Your way at the moment is to withdraw from commitment. Commitment takes trust.
Focus on loving yourself and healing the hurt within you. Focus on releasing the past. Focus on living in the present. Focus on going with the flow. Focus on relaxation. Focus on letting it be.
PeggyAugust 25, 2019 at 9:27 am #309225
The following is a combination of two posts I submitted to you in June on your two previous threads. I think they are still relevant:
“You want love and you are afraid of being hurt again. The need for love, for affection is mixed with fear. ..– a young child cannot see herself except by looking at a mirror. The mirror is the parent.. If the parent consistently and reliably loves the child, the child sees herself as lovable and she thrives. If the parent doesn’t, the child sees herself as unlovable and she suffers.
Seeing herself as unlovable she sees the problem as her needing love, and she tries to not need it, seeming “like a very rough, emotionally unavailable person”, but she keeps needing love because she is human.
When the child grows up into a woman’s body and it is now expected to team up with a man, and men show interest, she gets into sort of relationships with men. She doesn’t know much about love, except for how much she needs it and doesn’t want to need it.. so when a man shows a sexual interest in her, that is as close to love as it gets for her and she thrives on his attention. She temporarily thrives and then the anxiety takes over.
Maybe the man cares about her beyond sex, but how can she know… She is not sure, she doesn’t know. Then the relationships end and the loneliness resumes full time, no love and no appearances of love”-
if you think this is relevant to your new thread, let me know.
anitaSeptember 14, 2019 at 4:51 am #312213
Yes, i sense the conflict in all times, i am full with it. Unfortunately, there isn’t a valid therapy center here. The paid ones are the only ones that really cares about you other than giving a prescription. So I’ll have to wait till I earn my money to go to those. But thank you for your reply!
Your words gave me comfort, which I really needed. I fully agree that I should focus on the self-love and the flow but I’ll have to find ways to do those.
More than relevant! I keep experiencing the same feelings but I don’t know how to overcome.September 14, 2019 at 8:05 am #312235
You wrote back in June: “I crave the affection, not the person”- this is a recipe of disaster for a young woman. Over the years, a woman who craves affection unselectively from men, ends up with unplanned pregnancies, STDs and/ or increasing despair.
It is most important that you select a man wisely before engaging in a sexual relationship with him, so that you can count on the affection you crave to continue, because you have learned that this particular man is a decent, honest man. One you can trust.
Having read that you never shared with your parents how neglected you were by them because you don’t want them to feel badly. I think that if you interact with your parents a lot but hide this most significant part of your experience with them, you are betraying yourself, no less than they have betrayed you.
You mentioned their intent- never mind their intent- you really were neglected or abandoned. Let them know.
<span style=”display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: #ffffff; color: #333333; font-family: Arial,’Helvetica Neue’,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 14.53px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;”> I crave the affection, not the person. </span>September 17, 2019 at 10:30 am #312781
I have to be able to create that affection by myself and not need it from anyone else. It’s a really hard task for me but I’m trying to accomplish this at the moment. Also it is really hard for me to share this side of me with my parents, I can share a bit with my mom but I don’t think this kind of confrontation would end in a nice way because of my dad’s health issues. I can even lose him, so I’m not planning any confrontation with him. Maybe it would be a big regret for me in the future but I don’t know, I don’t have the courage for that.
Thank you again for your reply, really.September 17, 2019 at 11:26 am #312791
You are welcome.
“I have to be able to create that affection by myself and not need it from anyone else”- your quest is impossible. Reptiles don’t feel affection for others of their species, or for humans because they are not social animals. Dogs and people are social animals, so we feel affection for others. A dog will not be wagging its tail if it is not expecting to be interacting/ socializing with another dog or human. Affection takes place in the context of social interactions.
You are afraid to express your true emotional experiences with your parents, fearing that your true emotions will hurt and anger them, leading to a confrontation. You are afraid to hurt your father and lose him: “I can even lose him”-
-this is what children/ adult children do very often- fearing to lose a parent’s approval, even life- we choose to lose ourselves instead.