January 7, 2020 at 8:10 am #331811
This is my first time posting here.
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, together for 12. We’re both 31 years old. No kids, 1 dog. We lived with my parents.
On our wedding day, I didn’t feel the excitement/happiness that I supposed to feel as someone who’s about to get married. I brushed it off as anxiety. 6 months into our marriage, I started to feel I married the wrong person. But I’ve made the commitment, and he’s a nice guy, so I tried to brush it off again. I tried to focus on his positive side. But the thought keep coming back. I’m unhappy, and unsatisfied with our marriage.
I would say our relationship is more like a mother and son relationship, or a friendship, rather than husband and wife. I cater to his needs, show love and affection towards him, etc. I did everything to show I love and care for him. But he never do anything in return. For example the 5 love languages, he never do any of that to show that he loves me. When you love someone, you will show it, one way or the other, you will find a way, to let him/her know. You will want to make them happy. But he doesn’t do that. I’m the one who always do everything for our relationship. I can’t count on him, can’t depend on him. I can’t even ask for his opinion or make a decision. I’m exhausted. I never get the affection and love that I need. I feel like I do everything myself. I keep giving, but not receive anything in return.
Our sex life is nonexistent. In 5 years, we had sex probably like 10 times, 15 tops. Last time we had sex was 1.5 years ago. I’m the one who initiate most of the time, which actually not that many times. He even rejected me several times. I’ve asked him about this many times. Why he never ask for sex. He said no reason.
I realized I marry him for wrong reasons. We were young, we didn’t know who we are, what we want. I did love him, but only ‘enough’, not because I’m in love and crazy about him. I trusted that he will never cheat or leave me. He’s my companion, and he’ll listen to everything I say (I wasn’t very close with my parents, and having someone I can talk to was important to me). But that’s all. And now I feel I was ‘settling’ with him. We both want different things in life, we enjoy different things. We’re just very different people.
I talked to him about these problems on February, first time I mentioned these. I said that I’m thinking of getting divorce. He refused of course. He said he will change. I talked to him several times after that. Still no improvement. No sex, no intimacy, no act of love. The only thing he does is occasional forehead kiss before he goes to sleep (when he thinks I already asleep), that started since December, the last time I talked to him.
I’m always the one to start these talks. We rarely speak now. So he knows we have a problem, but he never addressed it. He never ask what’s wrong, what he can do to make the situation better. I know he wants to change, but he never change. In short, he knows there’s a problem but he does nothing. It’s always like this, for every aspect of his life. He doesn’t want to separate. He said he love me (but he never show it. And ‘love’ only is not enough for a relationship. I’ve tried it for the past 5 years). He said he worries how people will think of me as a divorcee. We live in Asia, and in my small city, people still think divorce as a failure. I couldn’t care less. I only care about my happiness. I once asked him, how would he feel if his daughter was in my position, would he ask her to stay? He said no. Then why he won’t divorce me? He must be miserable too. We don’t talk or laugh like we used to. I’m cold and distant towards him. I didn’t treat him as a husband anymore, or in the way that he deserve to be treated. I’m sorry but he hurt me too much.
I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling alone in a relationship. I want to feel loved, wanted. Even watching my parents holding hands makes me sad. He never hold my hand while walking. Watching movie with kissing and sex scene breaks my heart. I never felt that. Never felt the hot kiss and hot sex. Staying in fancy hotel makes me sad. I’m supposed to have sex with my husband in a nice hotel. Instead we’re just like travel partner. There were days when I would cry just thinking about this. I felt stuck. But I feel better now. This may sound silly, but one of my deepest fear is to be stuck with the wrong person when I’m old. Just like how I feel right now. I don’t feel any desire for him. I don’t feel excited for any future with him. I can’t imagine us being intimate or having sex anymore. I think it would be awkward. I’m miserable. And I can’t imagine being in this situation for 30 more years, unhappy married to him. I’d rather single than be alone in a relationship.
I know part of our problem is I didn’t communicate about my feeling earlier. Heck, we should’ve talked about this before we got married. Then we would realize we are not compatible.
I think I’m looking for some validation? That we should just separate, we are wrong for each other. I still care about him. But I also lost respect for him. I can’t keep opening my heart and give him chance, if he does nothing about it. It’s a waste of time and energy. The only way I can be happy in this marriage if he change and do everything I want him to do. But then I would change him into something he’s not. Not to mention it’s too late for me. He hurt me too deep.
My friend said I shouldn’t separate unless I’m 100% sure I won’t regret it. I can say I’m 80-90%. How can someone be 100% sure with decision like this? In making any decision, there must be a little chance that you would regret it, but you take the chance anyway, no?
I’m sorry if my story is too long and difficult to understand. English is not my first language. Thank you for reading.January 7, 2020 at 8:24 am #331835
Reading your post, based on what you shared, I am 100% sure that you should divorce him, except if divorcing him means that society (“in my small city, people still think divorce as a failure”) turns against you and puts you in .. a divorcee- prison, or kicks you out of wherever you live so that you are cold and wet in winter, or any such thing.
Is there .. any such thing?
anitaJanuary 7, 2020 at 10:01 am #331853
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita,</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you for your response. Thankfully there is no such thing. People will walk about me and my family, but that’s all. Divorce is not common in my city. And people see divorce, or children from divorce as a bad thing. But I don’t care any of that.</p>
Rosie.January 7, 2020 at 10:36 am #331861
Then I see no reason for you to remain married. Why not aim at a better life? No reason to keep paying for a mistake when you don’t have to.
The two of you don’t have children, you don’t own property together, if I understand correctly. Go about it wisely, so that it is the least difficult for you. Make a plan how to achieve a divorce in the least difficult and complicated way. If you want to draft such a plan here, please do. Also, you know, or you should know the legal aspect of divorce where you live. I am guessing you will need an attorney?
anitaJanuary 7, 2020 at 12:43 pm #331889InkyParticipant
Will it be possible for you to find a second mate after a divorce? Because it sounds like that is what you want. How bad is the stigma over there?
Make sure you have your own bank account and job before calling a divorce lawyer.
InkyJanuary 7, 2020 at 10:01 pm #332037
Dear Anita and Inky,
thank you for your inputs.
Anita, “No reason to keep paying for a mistake when you don’t have to”, that is exactly how I feel. Our marriage is a mistake, but I feel like I have to live with that mistake forever. To be honest, I don’t have any plan for now. My only plan is to convince him, my parents, and his parents, that we should separate. In my country, parents still involved in their children life. Convincing them would be difficult. They think we’re a happy couple with no problem. Since there’s no infidelity / abusive behaviour, they would think other problems can be fixed. Me being unhappy won’t be a good enough reason to be separated. They would ask me to give him more chances, to pray, to open my heart. But it’s just wasting time.
Inky, yes I want to find second mate after my divorce. There’s a possibility, although it will be hard. But I prefer to be single over stay in this marriage.
We keep our finances separate, don’t own any asset together. So hopefully the divorce process won’t be complicated. I will need an attorney later.
My main concern right now is to convince our parents, that divorce is the best solution for us. His parents would be shocked, they know nothing about this. And after my talk with him last night, I’m pretty sure there’s no future for us. He doesn’t think our lack of sex is a problem. And when I asked him to give me reason beside ‘what other people would say’, he said he hadn’t thought about other reason.
RosieJanuary 8, 2020 at 6:06 am #331879MiraParticipant
First of all your English is good!
Your story breaks my heart as I was in a very similar situation before and I got out. I ended the relationship. I remember a time when I was still in that relationship, I was watching a horror film (I think that was Conjuring) when the lead actor and actress (husband and wife) hugged and kissed… then I cried!! In the middle of a horror film, I cried! It wasn’t even a hot kiss like what you wrote. That’s how miserable I was because my partner shows no affection to me at all.
We deserve so much better than that. I am now happily married to a person who, according to him, can’t imagine our marriage without sex. Unless it’s for medical reason or something. It’s like we have this sex metre in our minds that we know once it gets low, we would make an effort to get it up because we know it’s for our own benefit and for the good of our relationship. My point is, there is someone else out there Rosie. You can get the relationship that you want but not from him and you know what, THAT’S OKAY.
For me, get a divorce. Plain and simple. I know you’re still hesitant and whichever decision you make, there will be pros and cons. But right now, leaving him sounds like a better choice.
If you divorce him:
1. You’ll get a chance to get to know yourself (this is really exciting, this will make you stronger)
2. Yes, you’re gonna take a risk in finding someone better BUT based on what you wrote above, it’s more likely you’re gonna find the perfect one for you rather than you husband changing his ways.
3. You’ve done enough. You’ve tried enough. Forgive him and yourself and move on.
MiraJanuary 8, 2020 at 8:57 am #332095
You are sure that you want to divorce him and I am sure that you should because your account of this man and this.. supposed marriage is so horrible that it leaves no doubt in any reasonable person’s mind, that you should end it and free yourself.
In your society, a married woman wanting separation, has to convince the husband, and both sets of parents (“to convince him, my parents, and his parents, that we should separate”), but telling them all that you are very unhappy is not convincing enough. Both sets of parents need physical abuse or infidelity to be convinced.
Thing is he doesn’t beat you and he doesn’t have sex.. with any woman.
Question: is there any way for you to leave your parents’ home where you live and perhaps your country and live elsewhere?
anitaJanuary 8, 2020 at 10:42 am #332105MarkParticipant
Life is too short to live in misery…. If it is beyond salvation, end it and move on.
Best of luck and I hope you can convince your parents that it is suffocating you to stay
MarkJanuary 9, 2020 at 2:07 am #332223
Dear Mira, anita and Mark
thank you very much for your support.
Mira, it is too painful. I have to look away when I see a couple being affectionate, be it in movies or real life. I’m happy things turned out well for you. You deserve it. I hope my story will be the same too. And thanks again for your assurance. I need that.
Anita, I could move but my parents would be devastated. That would be my last resort, I suppose. I already talked to them about wanting a divorce. They were against it at first, but I think they’re more open to it now, seeing how he hasn’t changed in months. We’ll tell his parents soon. Hopefully they will be more understanding.
Mark, it is beyond salvation. I really want to cut my loss and move on. Thank you for your wishes.
RosieJanuary 9, 2020 at 6:07 am #332241NekoshemaParticipant
It appears you mind is made up, that missing 10% is the natural doubt of ending things. When you have to choose from turning left or right, you will have that nibbling “what if I went the other way” but it sounds to me you’re justified. You spoke with him, he said he would change, but doesn’t seem willing. I would consider a couple’s counsellor to work through things and try to transition smoothly, but it sounds wise to walk away, or else you will feel worse.
All the best to you.January 9, 2020 at 7:57 am #332265
Earlier you wrote: “In my country, parents still involved in their children life. Convincing theme would be difficult”. Today you wrote: “I could move but my parents would be devastated. That would be my last resort”-
– this means that it may not be difficult to convince your parents because if they don’t support you getting a divorce, you will have to move out and they will be devastated. Reads to me that your parents are motivated to keep you in their home and in their lives, so they are likely to be supportive of you getting a divorce.
anitaJanuary 10, 2020 at 10:06 pm #332635
Nekoshema, your explanation regarding the 10% really ease my mind. It is natural to have doubts. And the thought that maybe later I will regret my decision thinking what if I tried harder, but I believe this is beyond repair.
Anita, yes my parents are motivated to keep me in their home and their lives. I think they will allow me to get divorced later. But it will take time. And I don’t know how his parents will react. They’re less conservative compared to my parents, so hopefully they won’t make this more difficult.
Thank you Nekoshema and anita for your inputs.
Rosie.January 11, 2020 at 7:03 am #332677
You are welcome. I imagine your parents should have more power than his parents regarding your divorce because he and you are living with your parents, not with his parents?
I hope to read more from you as time progresses and your divorce takes place.
anitaJanuary 13, 2020 at 12:32 am #333055
I hope so. He’s going to tell his parents after chinese new year, Jan 25. So 2-3 more weeks. I will update later how it goes. Thank you for your support.