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I WANT MY EX BACK…….VERY HEARTBROKEN

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  • #395055
    Arie1276
    Participant

    I want to know how to get my ex back.  I hate feeling so down and asking why did he do a complete 180 in a blink of an eye.  He felt he didn’t know what he wanted or if he even wanted a relationship with me or anyone else due to his depression.    He did want to be monogamous any more. Even though we only dated for almost 3 months.  I know it was a short period of time, but We got serious fast and had that instant deep connection. I had posted about him in my previous posts.   Now, its been a week to this day.  Friday morning was the last day we talked but he was so annoyed about everything and everyone and just wanted to be left alone.   He told me he didn’t even know if he can date me again and said its over.   He knows how heartbroken and devastated I am.  I feel like and empty shell.  Every time I  think about all the things we had planned to do over the summer, makes me even more sad.   This weekend he was supposed to come and spend it with me at my apartment.  He left his some of his toiletries here.  I put them in a bag in my closet cause i cant bear seeing them out or even smell them.   I can’t sleep much cause i still feel him next to me and i reach for him.  One time I told him I liked suprises.  Well this was one heck of a surprise  he did to me !

    I want to keep thinking he will be back one day after he gets his life together and decides what he wants and if he even wants to be with me again.  I know if he wants me back he will reach out to me.

    It just hurts so bad.  I feel so lost and heartbroken, and my heart is so heavy.

    #395060
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hi Ariel, you posted last week that it was only 44 days you had been together. People advised you that wasn’t even ling enough to know a person. I thiñk it was on that thread that people posted about anxious attachment. That is something I have experienced too.

    You said that you are 48 and he is 30, and that he lives with his mother who he has a troubled relationship with. He had told you from the outset that he liked you but is still looking around to meet other women. I gathered that when he began withdrawing from you, you contacted him telling him how much you live him.

    I think you should stay away from him and commit yourself to getting help with your anxious attachment.

    You still have time to get emotionally and meet somebody who would be suitable for you who you could have genuine  happiness with. If you don’t make that commitment to yourself, it is likely that you will continue the letter of over-investing yourself emotionally with the same result.

    I hope you will look at this honestly and do the right thing by yourself, and that dies not include this relationship.

    #395066
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    I’m very sorry for the pain you are going through. It might not seem like it right now, but this might be for the best. As he is a person who I would imagine regularly drops out of contact continuing this relationship would have been challenging. Someone who is able to be present would be a better fit.

    It is a shame because it almost sounds like two different relationships. One where he was present and attentive. Another, where he drops out of contact with you, is depressed and grumpy when you do speak.

    It is understandable to grieve the loss if the good parts of the relationship. I hope you are taking extra care of yourself during this difficult time?

    Do you have any fears regarding being single? Or related to dating?

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 4 weeks ago by Helcat.
    #395073
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Helcat

    Do i have a fear of being single?  Yes and no.  Yes because all my friends are either married or have boyfriends .   I don’t like to be alone.  I have family and my children but it’s not the same.

    As for dating :    Dating sucks.  I get told I’m so pretty and sexy and have a wonderful personality and very smart.  I always ask if age matters and they say no why would it  .  I also get told I look way younger than I am.  A lot of men in their 30’s tell me they like older women vs younger.  Then when I do find someone and we hit it off , after few months or so they slap me in the face and decide they don’t want a relationship or whatever their excuse may be. They tell me I’m such a good person .  Well if I’m all of these….. then what is the problem?  Why can’t they just commit if I’m such a good fit for some of them?  I am not fake , not that high maintenance, I am not like other women and I’ve been told that too.  And I’ve been told it’s not me , it’s them.  What is their problem?   And yes I’ve dated men my age and I swear some are worse then the younger ones.
    So yeah ….. dating sucks at times and I just wish I can just find someone who will just stay and wants an actual real relationship.

    #395074
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    Can you tell me how you feel when you are alone, without a partner? When was the first time you remember feeling afraid of being alone?

    Ultimately, our partners are responsible for their own poor behaviour. However, we are responsible for selecting and setting boundaries with our partners. You have a habit of being extremely vulnerable and not protecting yourself enough when dating.

    There and some bad people in the world, there are some good people in the world and there are many people who fall somewhere in the middle. It can take a long time and meeting many people to find a suitable partner.

    The many people with bad behaviours are why it is important to be discerning and protect yourself when dating. The process of dating itself can slowly reveal an individual’s flaws. It is very easy for someone to pretend to be a good person for a small amount of time. People have more difficulty sustaining this over longer periods. The initial period of good behaviour also has the effect of creating caring feelings for the individual. This is beneficial for them as it makes you reluctant to leave the relationship when people treat you poorly. An open minded yet cynical approach to new relationships offers a lot of protection, should bad behaviour be revealed in the future. Which is why people have recommended that you guard your feelings and take new relationships more slowly.

    If I were you I would be wary of any partners that encouraged you to emotionally attach very quickly. Whilst they might be kinder, there is a concern with dating younger men. They may be fine with dating you, but less interested in committing. At the end of the day, once their fun dating lifestyles are over they may have a desire to settle down and start a family. Young people may often deny this inevitable future in order to have fun dating you. On the other hand there are some individuals who may never want to have children.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 4 weeks ago by Helcat.
    #395076
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    I would recommend that you write a list of what you do and don’t want in potential relationships.

    #395090
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    I know it’s probably little consolation, but you are by far not the only one.  Haven’t you ever wondered about all of the beautiful women who have had so much going for them, and  they are either cheated in or treated very badly by men.  Lady Dianna, Liz Hurley, Elle MacPherson, Christy Brinkley are just a few.

    Their problem is that men don’t live in the same way a lot of women do.  They cdont want to commit because of the fear that there might just be someone better out there- especially when their most recent girlfriend bolstered their egos – their cobfidencegies through the roof.

    I’m pretty similar to you- just around 15 years older.

    Fortune as re My for me, I have cone to see that love takes many forms. It’s not just about poor baby men who are always looking out for themselves.

    I genuinely wish you well, and I truly hope that you can see that this guy isn’t worth your tears and sadness.  Hugs

    #395177
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Thank you all so much for your concerns and advice.  I need to open up my eyes as i have been turning a blind eye and seem to have deaf ears and listen to what everyone is saying.  It is difficult to do.   I need to work on myself and heal my mind,body, and soul.   If he comes back …great, if not….i will have to accept that and move on.

    #395192
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    They rarely come back when you are sitting around crying.  Usually when you have gotten on with your life

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