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I want to be happy with myself

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #184195
    Lumou
    Participant

    I ended 4 year long relationship, because slowly, over a year I noticed that my feelings were gone. Towards the end of it I cheated as well, and I am definetly not looking for an excuse for my horrible behaviour. It happened tho so I moved on. I was seeing couple of guys meanwhile, but my heart remeined numb pretty much. Still I insisted on seeing them because I need a validation from others.

    And that’s my main issue.

    I am very outgoing, easygoing girl, consequently making her dreams come true, setting up goals and working hard towards achieving what has oryginated in my brain. Yet for a while now, all I need is a validation from opposite sex to feel whole and satisfied with myself. I feel like I have to do incredible things for others to notice, and only then I will feel happy with myself.

    I do understand this is wrong. But at this stage I am lost and don’t know how to change it. How to learn, how to be happy with myself.

    I studied and worked for last couple of years, and as I didnt have much spare time (not at all tbh) I forgot what my passions were other than academic work, what my hobbies were other than college assignments, and my partners passions and interests became mine. So after the breakup this massive hole materialised in front of me, simply because I realised I didnt have anything to escape from the post-breakup sadness which finally arrived. Yes, I am a sad person now. And I know that sleeping with guys doesnt help, but I need constant appreciation from them, otherwise I wont be happy. Of course this happyness exists only for couple of hours and evaporates very quickly.

    I get a lot of attention from opposite sex, in this matter there has never been any issues there. But I feel like I need some time now just for me, to understand what makes me happy in a healthy way. I want to learn how to be happy with who I am. I want to be happy with myself.

    But how?

    #184299
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lumou:

    You wrote that you need validation from men, can you explain to me what validation means to you, in this context?

    You also wrote: “I feel like I have to do incredible things for others to notice, and only then I will feel happy with myself”- I hope you elaborate on this sentence, I think it is a very significant sentence.

    You want to be noticed, and when you are not noticed, you are anxious, is that correct? If so, to relieve that anxiety, you seek that validation from men. It relieves the anxiety for a couple of hours and then you are anxious again.

    Attend to that anxiety, that of not being noticed (hope you do explain what this means to you), and you will be.. happier with yourself, I am thinking.

    anita

    #184377
    Lumou
    Participant

    This validation refers to…being accepted I guess. Liked, adored, wanted. It is so shallow! But I am just naming and facing my demons.

    “I feel like I have to do incredible things for others to notice, and only then I will feel happy with myself”: its again about others seeing what I do and accepting it. If I wont do something incredible, something different than others are doing, I wont feel happy. Even tho this happyness lasts only for short while.

    But so far I havent been able to put the exact name on it. Perhaps I am anxious about things without fully realising I am.

    #184381
    Peter
    Participant

    You answered your own question – “I feel like I need some time now just for me, to understand what makes me happy in a healthy way” If you honestly want different your going to have to start doing different and creating some space to discover yourself is a good place to start.

    You don’t need validation from others, you desire validation from others and that is a big difference.  It is likely that the validation from others has become a habit.  As long as you are looking for others to validate you, you will always be at their mercy and the drama that that kind of thing creates. If you can take some time to understand why it is you seek this validation outside yourself and you will discover what the next steps you can take to get to where you want to go. A life coach could be helpful to keep you honest.

    #184403
    VJ
    Participant

    Hi Lumou,

    Yes this definitely requires a change in perspective to transform your habit of seeking validation from others.

    Yes, as you said, you need time. Take out time to make this time.

    The only way to stop validation from others is to start focusing back on yourself.

    § Stop seeking validation from others.

    – When you seek approval from others, you add an unnecessary step and go backwards from the direction of your own happiness.
    – Make sure you do not add these steps anymore.

    § Start approving of yourself

    § Don’t give your power away.
    “When you do not seek or need approval, you are at your most powerful.” ~Caroline Myss

    § Start giving yourself time, attention and care
    You deserve your own time, attention, care, appreciation and of course love. Give yourself these things on a regular basis.

    § Be gentle with yourself

    § Be self-ish
    – Do one thing today just because it makes you happy
    – Incorporate some form of self-care and self-love into your daily routine. Also self-care and self-love aren’t a One-Time Deal. So include them on a regular basis.

    § Start the focus on yourself

    – Prepare a list and do all the things that you like to do and makes you feel happy. This list should not contain something where other people are involved. You may struggle to think as to what can I do for myself that makes me happy but does not involve other people. Well, here are a few examples on the same – (below are just a few tips; add your own, and as many as you want)

    •  Go and watch the sunset or simply go to a beach  (sounds cliche but worth the visit)

    • Go and buy something to eat for yourself that you like very much

    • Go for a walk simply to a place where you have never been before.

    Of course go to a safe place. Keep walking and walking just for the heck of it. No particular agenda in mind, no destination to go, just keep going. Once you are tired or feel like you have gone far then return back. Make sure that you know the road to return back 🙂

    •  Simply go to the roof, lie on your back, both hands under your head, and watch the sky

    • Sit down and take ten deep breaths

    All these breaths are yours – only yours and nobody else’s.

    • Take a different route to your work or college. Just for the heck of it – for no reason at all

    • Be still for a while

    Sit somewhere in the greens or on a park bench, and be quiet for a few minutes. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Simply sit.

    • Inhale a fragrance that you like

    Maybe Lavender or maybe Peppermint or maybe Rose……or whatever you like. Whatever that boosts your mood and makes you feel happy and cheerful.

    Watch the sunrise

    If you have watched the sunset (in #1); now wake up early on some morning and watch the sunrise too.

    • Have a good and hearty laugh.

    Put some YouTube videos that make you laugh and giggle or read a comic strip if you like it that way

    • Go alone to a museum or a gallery

    • Become more conscious of your health

    Add at least one healthy item in your breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Then add two. Continue as you wish.

    • Stroke a pet

    • Take a “self-spa” at home (or maybe even at an actual spa).

    Take a long bath or shower, sit long in the bath tub if you prefer. Apply something of nice fragrance.

    • Strike something off from your to-do list

    Either something that you have been postponing for a long time or something that is easy and quick to do.

    • Disconnect yourself for an hour (or minimize the time if you attend something urgent)

    No phones, no messages, no social media, no emails, no internet.

    • Shake yourself

    Put your favorite track and dance the heck out of you. If you do not like dancing then simply put your favorite songs and listen to them.

     

    The list is going to be endless. Prepare your own list.

    After a few weeks of doing the above things – Stand in front of the mirror, finger-point yourself and proclaim to your own face in the mirror “You are awesome! You are so amazing! You finally did it”. Let it be even if you do not mean it. Continue acting on the above list and the ones that you prepare, which is for yourself and only for yourself.

     

    ■ Be aware that during this inner transformation of yours, people may provoke you by saying or doing something that may pull you back to your old habits. For eg; someone close may say “You used to do this for everyone; but now you are not. Why, what  has happened?”  Respond politely. Maybe by smiling gently or by saying nothing depending on the situation. Don’t give any reasons that from now on I am not doing anything for others but only for myself.

    ■ During this journey, also pay attention and make sure that you do not become so selfish, self-absorbed and self-centered that you are lacking consideration for other people. For eg; Do give a warm genuine smile and thank them when someone helps you or tries to offer you some help. I hope you get the point.

     

    Best wishes,

    VJ

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by VJ.
    #184411
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lumou:

    What I figure is that the reason you feel that you “have to do incredible things for others to notice” is because as a child you did .. small things for others, maybe a parent, to notice but he or she did not notice those small things. So you thought:  maybe if I do a big thing, an  incredible thing,  maybe  then he or she will notice.

    You needed being noticed, and then, having been noticed, to be accepted just for you being you, for your thoughts, feelings, motivations, expressions. Noticed and accepted, liked and  adored.

    This lack happening  in childhood may be that “massive hole” you experienced after the  breakup, a hole, a lack.

    Let  me know what you think/ feel about my reply…?

    anita

    #191627
    Anee
    Participant

    People please realize there isn’t a greater purpose for us to fulfill here on earth. Hence we don’t need anybody s approval But just to know that life is fragile and we shouldn’t be taking things for granted. Those who smile to us may not be with us tomorrow. So gratitude is essential.

    Just know that God wants us to forgive others and move on. We alone can’t posses the power to solve problems . Though we can be of great help to each other.

    Bye and good bless

     

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