I have many things i would like to say that i would do. Read more, learning about nature, travel and work abroad, interact more with people and like you say – be more streetwise, learn more about the real life. Smoke a joint now and then, not be living so overprotected and isolated from everything. I might want to study something like biology, herbalism, anthropology. Have friends and have some fun with guys now and then. Go to the movies and to the theatre. Go to the bars until early morning and talk about life with whoever i meet. Learn to sail and to surf and perhaps work on a boat for a while.
And a lot more things.

But in general, if i could do it over, i would just respect myself a bit more. Do the things that i want to do and not worry about what others think of me, if i’m good enough for others. Just do it and have fun and learn, and do it for myself.

Hi Jack,

In my experience, it was always one teacher who was able to reach a troubled kid, even better than a counselor. I can think of one teacher in particular. We students could all sense that he didn’t quite fit into the “establishment”, but he was the one guy all of us trusted, and after graduation many (including myself) kept in touch with him. He’s now retired, but to this day many of his former students still go to him for advice on everything under the sun. I know it’s very rewarding for him. He’s everyone’s favorite “counselor”. I believe I had read in an earlier post that you used to teach but that it didn’t work out. Was it in elementary school? I wonder if you would ever consider teaching older kids? I think older kids would really get you and your sense of humor. Just thinking out loud. 🙂

lori

Here is another attempt on my part:

If I had my life over again, I wouldn’t take a fifty year break from it.
anita

Dear Jack:

I mean I was mentally unwell, sick for my whole life and all of my adult life until recently. What a shame.

I was spaced out, dissociated, out of my mind, took a leave of my senses, full of distorted beliefs and much distress, terrible interactions with people, self hate, self destruction, lots and lots of guilt and shame and so much more.

If I could have my life back I would get away from “home” sooner and stay away for good, away from my mother for good when I was eighteen or sooner. And I would look for good psychotherapy then, once I was out and work really hard on therapy. I will probably study law and become a courtroom lawyer, criminal law and be very involved in my career, maybe write a book about it some day. I will not have children as I do not now (this would not change). But most important is I would end all contact with my mother as soon as possible to never again re connect. I would do it early, not at fifty three as I have done. Then I would look for help from a therapist and other wise good people and become healthy and assertive as soon as I could while I was still in my twenties.

I would turn my back to the people who made me sick and fully engage in healing.

anita

Dear Jack:

i was worried that you were successfully fighting your forum addiction. But you are back, good. Wouldn’t be the same without you!

I re-read my comment above, so many mistakes: I would turn my back on not turn my back to, etc. No, my mother was not a Christian or religious. She did not turn me off the god concept, it is my constant praying to god for HELP when I was a child, prayers that went unanswered. That was a beginning of my personal experience of lack of the man in the clouds not hearing me. And then the whole thing simply does not make sense.

I read about the teaching thing. Adam the Adult vs Llama Jack. I never got it. I tried to be the equivalent of Adam the Adult and failed. My Llama Jack equivalent insisted on taking stage and have fun whenever possible, be the kid. People not being in a classroom, in an urban classroom at least, a public school do NOT have any idea how it is. They have no idea. It was my ability to take ABUSE that carried me through. They have no idea.

anita

Dear Jack:

When I wrote that people who have no experience in the classroom in modern time in a teacher position probably do not understand what it takes for someone without that natural gift I observed (and cannot emulate) to exert command in a juvenile delinquent institution such as higher grades of Elementary, Middle School and High School in urban public school districts (I had trouble in private schools as well!). So I personally do not see it as progress for you, Jack, going back to a teaching position.

People do no understand what it is like- how hard I worked to be listened to, what intense, ongoing RESISTANCE I received from students to being taught ANYTHING.

It is not going into a classroom with EAGER, WELL BEHAVED students. And misbehavior is commonly not a small cute thing, in my case it was throwing items at me, some that could kill me. It was being called horrible names. It was students picking up a projector and throwing it on the floor, trying to light a fire in the classroom (and doing so), destroying public property, graffiti, stealing my money out of my purse, stealing my whole purse, and so much more.

So, in my experience, NO!

anita