*** I like you, Peter, just the way you are! I think you are the bee’s knees 🐝✨No one like you!

* As far as the future goes, my mindset is to live one day at a time, and I embody this philosophy. I really don’t plan for the future. I don’t imagine a future. It’s just this day, this evening, this night.. Oh, surprise! Another morning, Yeah!

I carry trauma within my body every day, every hour of each day and night when I am not sleeping, in the form of tics- the flight-or-fight response trapped within my body, muscles running with nowhere to go. Muscles twitching, movement trapped. It feels like physical tension and there’s pain when I twitch a certain muscle too often. I can’t help it. I can’t stop it.

I tried to stop it. It is Impossible. it’s been going on since I was 5 or so, every single hour that I am awake. It feels really good to not twitch, the moments I don’t. It makes me think how fortunate the many who do not twitch really are, but they (you) don’t know it. If you knew the difference, you’d be ecstatic that you don’t have these tics going on and on and on.

Not to mention having made fun of for twitching as a child, a preteen, a teen, a grown up.

The current people in my life don’t make fun of me. All are genuinely nice about it. Thank you!!!

I had a long, meaningful talk with a woman I like very much this evening, in real-life. She’s about my age and has been anxious since she was a child. But no tics, none whatsoever. Yet her anxiety is ongoing. She rarely looks calm.

I talked a bit with a younger man and with an older man, 76 years old. Have known him for years. He is the one into whose yard I ran when I accidently sprayed my face with pepper spray months ago, using his water hose to water my burning eyes.

This is Community, and it is so very important to me. It means Everything.

The people in my life, in real-life, are good to me. I am fortunate.

Oh, I was going to talk about this topic: Suppressed Anger.

My mother suppressed her anger, putting on a facade of calm and peace and generosity until she couldn’t take it anymore. She would then EXPLODE. Her anger exploded and all hell broke loose. Similarly, there has been a person in my life, online, who had a suppressed anger problem as well, presenting a facade of calm and peace and generosity.. until she couldn’t take it anymore, and then, she exploded in her own way. I tried to accommodate her, to please her.. all in vain.

With some people there’ll always be an explosion, sooner than later. No Win with some people. The Only Solution is Distance (OSD, if you will).

The facade- my mother’s, others’- call it what it is: a mask, masking temporarily the Suppressed Rage Within.

anita