Well, if it only makes you feel any better, in the last one year, I’ve lost the closest friends… some since 30 years… family and husband. I’ve withdrawn myself from people and most social places. I guess everyone hates me.

Sometimes I wonder how I was able to pull off such a feat since I’ve been a people pleaser all my life… all I wanted to do was love and care for others and felt that somehow they were indifferent. But the problem was or is I think now is that all my life… I mean since childhood… being neglected and not loved by my parents, I tried to find love outside. But I forgot to love myself, take care of myself.

So without boring you, I’d say forget the people for the time being. I know it’s difficult. But just be there for yourself, love and care for yourself and this behavior will change… though not overnight. Any habit doesn’t go easily but when you are at peace with yourself, you’ll emit certain vibes that’ll attract new friends. The old ones may not come back as their judgement is clouded by previous actions so it’s better to wish them well and let them go. Just enjoy your company for a change. Take help from a few good books … not self help… but any nice book, thriller, biography or music, movies etc.

When you enjoy your own company people will do so too. There’s hope but a lot of pain and effort will go into it… but you’ll be fine in the end. You’ll survive and be a stronger person. Do a vipassana course and it may help you.

Mimi,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and wish you every joy. I’m also sorry to have overlooked your post when you first wrote it. What struck me most is how harsh you are with yourself, how mean, how little space you give yourself to make mistakes. Don’t do that, dear one. You are not broken, bad, or evil. You’re learning, searching, and very passionate. Sure, you’ve lashed out, which has had real consequences, but not from maliciousness, only from pain. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider for a moment that your brain has some atypical qualities. Said differently, it can be difficult for all of us to be kind and warm with one another, and you have some additional challenges that really do deserve space in our heart. I have a close friend with bipolarism, and she has done and said some cruel and selfish things over the years. She explained how she goes through highs and lows, and has a scorpion tail that jets out and tries to wound people sometimes. This tail really only happened when she was in a deep emotional pain, and she felt an unbearable urge to lash. Much like when we eat far to much food, we have the uncontrollable urge to vomit, there would be an overwhelming urge or push that poked out at loved ones (me).

Then, as the pressure went away, she would feel ashamed of who she was, how she could be that mean and selfish. This shame would be painful for her, adding just another layer of difficulty for her and her tender heart.

The solution was that she had to intentionally grow self acceptance. Said differently, much like we have to practice the alphabet to remember the letters (allowing for us to learn to read and so on), sometimes we have to practice self acceptance to feel self love (which allows us to learn how to kindly address problems in a friendship). To grow self acceptance is pretty simple, but takes time and effort.

First, we offer genuine repentance for the suffering. For instance, the pain-lashing-pain-lashing cycle hurts us and those around us. They feel hurt, unloved, unseen, and we feel hurt unloved, ashamed, unseen. Its mutually painful, and that is enough. Its a result of a lot of conditions, we’re not the “cause” of it. For instance, when you lash out, you’re struggling with a lot of powerful forces. Those are in part genetic, which you didn’t control. They are influenced by your parents, their way of dealing with emotions, their genetics, their parents. Plus, how its received is influenced by another web of your friend’s conditions, her parents, teachers and so forth. So we always have tried to be loving, but have blow outs, painful experiences, dumb choices, or whatever, which is something that almost every human bounces through. But, its also really happening, and we don’t want it to continue… so we vow to undergo the process of healing, and wish it to be done with grace and ease. This is like “seeing it”, “accepting it” and directing our intentions toward healing it, for the good of us all.

Next, there is remembering, or watering the seed. We don’t just remember that intention when we’re in pain, we keep it growing. For instance, we don’t just meditate when our mind is disturbed, we do it when we are peaceful as well. We don’t just take antacid when we eat in an imbalanced way, we learn to eat healthy. It is the same. We don’t simply repent when we feel ashamed, when we’ve lashed out, or whatever. We hold it like a raft, a tool, an intention… we remember.

Finally, we give our little seed the space and light it needs to grow. We remain patient with our body and mind, stop being harsh, trust the process. Yes, there will be shame that arises. Yes, we will get shitty with people. Yes, it happens. But we don’t want it to, and our heart is working to let that cycle rest. So its OK to just relax and be happy as we are able. So, we take tame to self nurture, to help our body feel peaceful and warm. My favorite is metta meditation, which is very directly nourishing to the heart. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested.

When we do these things… accept who we are, intend to be loving, and patiently let our love grow… the shame naturally settles when we make a mistake, and the cycle erodes. Said differently, instead of beating yourself up, dear sister, for your failings and stumbles, its OK to learn what you can from them and let them go. For instance, you want to be a loving and generous friend, so when you lash out you don’t mean to do it, and so its ok for it to be only a puzzle, only an oops. This “I made them suffer, they made me suffer, I’m terrible, they should die” cyclical painfulness is more than enough of a burden to bear, your bipolarism difficult enough. Don’t be ashamed for having difficulties with emotions and boundaries, we all do, and your challenge is perhaps more chaotic in those regards. Just do your best, dear sister, and know that you and all your patterns are lovable, acceptable, and part of a burden we all share… its not yours alone.

Namaste, dear sister, I wish you could see just how beautiful you are.

With warmth,
Matt