I'm lost and dead from inside

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    This is my second post here, which i felt this is a great place to seek help.
    I feel so miserable, lonely and anti-social. I’m alive physically but mentally I’m dead. I haven’t made any friends whom i can rely on and neither i’m quite attached to my family. The only person i found myself to be attached was unfortunately a girl whom i had feelings for and it ended up in a terrible friendzoned tragedy. I don’t blame the girl though. I’m trying to move on slowly. But the real pain began when i started chasing her. I didn’t care about anyone else during the time. I feel so lonely and lost that i feel i don’t have anyone to share my life with. I’m just dead from inside since an year. Nothing motivates me to live. I just go through severe depression everyday. I’m so immersed in the situation that i didn’t even bother to take care of my career or academics and my performance dropped drastically that i’m so tensed about my career.
    I ended up smoking a couple of times and even started consuming alcohol months ago as it made me feel good. But soon i quit them as i found that it was causing more harm to me in the situation I’m in. I developed anxiety during this time and everytime i think of everything about this, it starts aching in my chest and heart, i feel like my heart will burst out soon anytime and tears start coming out of my eyes. I’ve been living with this pain since 9 months. After consulting a doctor, it was clear that i didn’t have any physical illness. It was only my stress and depression consuming me from inside. My life is just growing boring and lonely everyday, I don’t find interest to do anything, I’m just procrastinating everyday. I’m just 18 and i think that i’m just doing too much of this. But I really can’t bear this, It’s so hard to see that growing up only makes us understand what life is all about. It’s about how people you believe in are just commercial and they will approach me whenever they need a favour or else I’m nothing to them and when i needed someone’s help they start making excuses to me. As a result i started despising everyone around me. Even my own family. For a few months i started showing my frustrations on everybody around me. Even the girl, whom i had feelings for, I started hating her too for this. Still i was quite attached that i couldn’t show anger on her. But at last i did show it to her and now she’s far away from me. I know that its not everyones fault around me. But i can’t help expecting from others. How do I stop expecting from others? How do I get rid of this miserable pain and love everyone unconditionally? How do i start living my life for a purpose and make a good career? How do i learn to be patient? How to be really Happy from inside? How do i develop a bond with friends, family or people around me? i’ve been more of an introvert since years. I tried to meditate but staying in a constant state for even 5 minutes is so hard for me that i lose control of myself.


    How do i get rid of this hatred towards people? When i’m alone i feel calm and happy by myself. When I’m around people it makes me feel insecure and frustrated. And maybe this is the reason I hate attending classes in my college. When I’m around my classmates or around people it triggers some kind of depression inside me. I don’t feel much of loneliness when i’m alone but when I’m around people i feel lonely. These feelings of loneliness and hate begin inside me. These thoughts make tired physically and i end up sleeping and procrastinating. How do i develop a calm attitude towards people whom i don’t like around me and start taking life a bit more seriously instead of leaving things for granted?

    Nina Sakura

    Hey Prakashraj,

    I suggest you regularly maintain a journal and start volunteering seriously in an NGO for a few days. I will be pretty upfront with you on this – there are more challenging events to come in life and losing hope like this, hating others will not help you at all. Right now, your mind is stuck in victim mode – your situation is bad and everyone is pissing you off but see things for what they are – you are 18, you have a family, a roof over your head, people who will care for you in case something really bad happens – but screwing yourself over because of loneliness and some girl rejecting you isn’t worth it. Rejections happen in life, people will disappoint you and you will have to bounce back – life goes on. I am not saying I don’t understand the pain of loneliness, heart-break and depression – I do and that is why I implore you to consider the alternatives.

    Take baby steps to combat your own negativity – try counselling for free say on yourdost.com – a few of the counsellors there are really good and I can recommend a few to you.

    This too shall pass – over the years this is what I have realised – people overcome grief, abuse and tragedy – God knows what – we underestimate our ability to heal over time and overestimate what we can do to change in a day

    The first step you can start with is do one good thing, one thoughtful thing for anyone a day without trying to take credit or expecting anything…I remember that day I was supposed to treat myself to this awesome takeaway after studying hard for an exam but in the end, I ended up buying ice-creams for the street kids. Haha, the seller thought I was a bit nuts but I dunno, it made me happy..during that time, I was just recovering from a major depressive episode, suicidal tendencies and had stated to get a grip oon life again. The guy I had loved for 6 years had broken my heart into pieces and that betrayal in the relationship shook me so hard – meanwhile, college placements tanked too.

    And no one understood or even wanted to help while i was in this state – they were too busy in their own lives to care. I realised how alone i was and i had to somehow live through this either way…but you know, despite all of this – life goes on. Better things come, we develop the means to survive and thrive despite the pain.

    I am sure you will find the way too but please don’t neglect your studies and future for this. You might not see that a good future is out there but trust me, you will regret thinking like this soon. One life, one chance – don’t waste your oppurtunities.



    Hi there.

    I feel that having similar experience I can advise you that for your age you seem quite mature knowing what bothering you your brave attitude showing that you’re trying to find the solution.

    Tiny buddha is a good place to reach for help. BIG THANKS TO ADMIN.

    Look like your have three options
    1. Leave it all as it is , everything will work out somehow. .
    2. Let the current state drag you down – blame everyone and hate everything
    3. Take advantage of it and think of it as a lesson to work on yourself only.
    Life Lessons:

    People play power games as most of them seek to exercise a certain degree of control over other people (be it at work or in social life)

    Progress is more important than success and the key for unending progress is learning. Learn as much as you can as fast as you can from as many sources as you can.

    Stay away from being too judgemental, being judgemental adds rigidity to your mind making it permanently incompatible to grow and expand. Everyone you interact with and everything that happens with you can be used as a learning device. Pick the best from everyone and everything. My friends teach me how to love and have fun, while my enemies teach me how to stay tough & strategize

    If you are not sure what are your core talents/strengths/competencies try out different things until you do that ONE thing which excites your spirit – That is the key for unleashing your potential.

    Your greatest or perhaps the only true enemy is Fear. It puts a limit on your ideas, actions and decisions. Fear paralyzes you mentally and emotionally. Get rid of it by youtube relaxing meditation – headphones is a must!

    And don’t ever give up.

    Love Xxx

    Peter Reece

    Hi prakashraj

    I think everyone on here has been through tough times one way or the other so we can empathise.

    You’re clearly overwhelmed by all your emotions but the important thing to realise here is that you do have a choice in how to respond to your situation.

    I don’t know if you’ve heard of Viktor Frankl but he was a psychiatrist who survived the concentration camps. While he was in Auschwitz, suffering the most unimaginable degradation, he came to realise that no matter what we go through in life, nothing can take away our freedom to choose our attitude to what we face. In our case, we can choose to take responsibility for our own way forward out of our misfortune.

    I don’t know if this helps, but what I did when life seemed to be going out of control was to get a pen and paper and write down a list of what I could do to change or help my situation. I knew no one could help me unless I helped myself. You’re very brave, you’ve taken the first step to moving forward. Now take the next one.

    Good luck


    Peter Reece

    BTW I also think Nina’s advice is excellent. Altruism is a proven way of feeling happier.


    Dear prakashraj:

    My recommendation is that you attend psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist.

    It reads to me that you were very hurt in the context of relationships with other people, before the experience with the girl you mentioned in this thread and the one before.

    I think that it is this deep hurt that is the reason you feel so lonely when you are around people. As I understand it, people have come to represent pain coming your way. Am I correct?




    You acknowledge these feelings and you allow yourself to feel them. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel disillusioned with everything. People aren’t perfect. These negative feelings will pass in their own time.

    Rejection is a known fact for everybody – we’ve all been rejected at some point in our lives. I guess like most other things, the more it happens, the easier it becomes to deal with. After being rejected a few times, it doesn’t seem so bad. That’s not to say being rejected doesn’t still come with feelings of disappointment after being rejected many times, but after a while you just learn to get up and move on.

    I talk from personal experience – being rejected from many job interviews was disheartening for me and applying for more seemed like an exercise in futility for me. Everybody else seemed to be more successful than I was and I soon began to resent people. I decided I needed to take action because how are any of us going to succeed at anything if we don’t try? I had to remind myself that despite the countless rejections, I have had successful interviews before. I’m not saying I have attained any kind of success yet because I haven’t, I’m searching for jobs because I wasn’t earning much from working freelance but I’m not going to get anywhere if I don’t try. I also learned that it’s best not to focus on what other people have in their lives or where they are at the moment – you focus on you.

    In your own time, you will be inspired to take some kind of action with your life. Take action. If something doesn’t work, change it. We have to do it ourselves and we have to be the engineer of our own happiness. Nobody is going to hand it to us on a plate.

    Could you try perhaps volunteering for a charity? I’ve found that volunteering puts things into perspective and gives a sense of purpose.

    I hope things will look up for you soon. Please do post more.



    After having similar experiences and feelings I found that a great deal of it was influenced by the stories I was telling myself. I would constantly replay conversations and past memories of perceived failings, longing for do overs, if only, should have, could have, a consent stream of negative self-talk.

    Of course I was aware of all the self-help advice to change the stories and think positive however I wasn’t able to do that.

    Like you my attempt at meditation and positive thinking would end badly as I got overwhelmed by past memories and associated negative self-talk. Worse I added the failure of not being able to create a better story or positive thinking to the list to make myself feel worse. (It occurred to me that I might be addicted to feeling bad.)

    I wasn’t able to replace the negative stories with positive thinking but wondered if I could just stop telling story’s in those moments.

    I set the intention to noticed when I was telling my victim or villain stories and the stop. Instead of filling the space with analyses or “positive” thinking, I would take a breath and focus on doing what I was currently doing.

    It was odd as I started to notice an empty space in which in which I could be a detached observer and better respond to the experience.

    I had to be careful as I didn’t want to become detached from my experiences or feeling and become apathetic. It’s a difficult balance as the lure to detach fully from feeling is a temptation for me.

    However by not filing every space with a stories, replays and analyses, positive or negative, it has helped in creating a space where it became possible be and not get lost in frantic inner reactions.

    I still at times feel empty, lost and detached, dead to my experiences, however by stopping the self-talk and not filling the space in I am less likely during those times to use the experiences to spiral deeper into the pit, essentially beating myself up for beating myself up, for beating myself up, for feeling bad, for feeling bad, for feeling unhappy, for feeling unhappy….. (Which is what I was addicted to, feeling something by feeling bad about myself)

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Peter.

    Meditation is the key but when I was at your age I couldn’t do it as well I was simply not ready. Maybe you’re not ready .. it may come back to you in a decade or two.

    Take a baby steps and don’t blame yourself when you fail.

    This may help:
    Instead -‘fuck it im not going to do it’
    Try ‘fuck it if im not gonna do it than who will?!’
    It worked for me I hope for u will 2. Xxx


    I don’t know what I would add to what the others have already said, so I think I will just say thank you for your post.
    I have been in and out of the valley of despair many times throughout my life. And although 18 is a long time ago, it still seems like yesterday (I suspect it will until I die). When in the valley I have learned to tell myself that although it seems hopeless and there is no way out, I have been here many times before and somehow I always find my way back out again and sooner or later I will find my way out of this one. Maybe it helps, but if it does, it sure does not feel that way when I am at the bottom. I am a good deal beyond 18 now, I am at the top of the hill (or a bit over to be honest) and starting to look down the hill. Yet once again, I find myself in a valley of despair. When I was younger, the despair ripped at my soul and burned deeply. Now that I am older, I have been tempered and don’t feel it as acutely. The tradeoff is the deeply felt disappointment that at this point in my life, I am once again in the valley. One consolation is that I do remember the times when I have climbed back out of the valley, up onto the mountain and looked back, I could see the beauty of the entire landscape. It all makes sense from up there. Yet when back down in the valley, feeling tired and beaten by life, looking up at the climb ahead, just to get back to where I once was, that beauty is just a distant memory and I always wonder if it was real or just something I imagined. Intellectually I understand that without the valley, the mountain top is not quite as high and the view is not quite so spectacular. The valley is a beautiful place to look down at from above, but a hellish place to be stuck in looking up at the steep climb before me.
    Anyway, like I said, I find myself once again in a valley. I was doing a bit of journaling (well “we” were doing a bit of self-psychotherapy to be succinct) when an idea for a post come on me and when I logged on to post it, I stumbled across your post and the title drew me in. Your post reminded me that though I can’t see you, you and many others are in these valleys along with me, and that, for some reason does help.
    So thanks for your post, and I hope you find your way out soon.


    P.S. One last quick though comes to mind. Perhaps that is why the altruism helps. In helping others, we are reminded that we are not alone in the valley after all, and that helps to alleviate the loneliness.


    Firstly, I would like to Thank everyone for sparing enough time to read my post and responding to it understanding the situation I am in. It feels great that these advices make sense according to my situation. So far for months I’ve looked for many solutions and nothing worked better as i expected. I would like to follow Peter’s words wisely, creating an empty space in my mind for the negative and positive feelings for my present situation seems to be going better. I won’t say it helped me overcome the problem in a second, but it did help me a bit today in improving myself and focusing on what is present right in front of me. And i know that improvement won’t happen in a day. It takes time and patience, so I’ll do my best to be patient. Most of the time I create scenarios in mind like “what-ifs, maybe,etc” which ends up screwing me the whole day mentally and physically Making me exhausted. Since its not possible to change everythingstt once, For now I’ll learn to focus on my thinking process. Thanks to Everyone. Can anyone tell me how do i get rid of this weird insecure feeling when i see this girl laughing with Other boys? It makes me broken from inside Everytime i see her with other boys. I know that it’s wrong thinking from my side. But how do i get rid of this weird selfish feeling which brings me down to broken heart? And further how do i respond to this girl if she approaches me in Future for anything? I’ll be honest here – I do still have feelings and i still think of some ‘maybe’s’ and I’m quite furious at her now but i have to give up on her to lead a better life. So how do i respond in future?


    Reflect on the underlying reason for your feelings of jealousy. Perhaps deep down you feel that you’re not good enough. This judgement of yourself can result in feelings of inadequacy and fear that other people are better than you..
    When the feeling will appear try to focus your mind on something else. . Favorite song or favourite landscape something close to your heart.

    It’s all part of the process. . Soon you won even notice her. I pray for you now. XxX


    Dear prakashraj:

    Regarding getting rid of the distressing feeling you experience when you see the girl with other boys, unfortunately there is no way to do that. A feeling is automatic. You see her and automatically you feel what you feel. What you can do maybe, if possible, is see her less. When you do see her, take deep breath and comfort yourself (self talk; talk to yourself like you are a distressed child, be kind, gentle and patient with the child).

    If she approaches you in the future- and you feel distress and confusion about her approach- tell her that you will get back to her a day or two after. In other words, you buy time. During that time you relax, think clearly and prepare your response. You are welcome to post here for input during that time, if it comes.


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