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I'm not wired for compassion -Hating self and others

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This topic contains 20 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  XYZ 13 hours, 26 minutes ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)
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  • #321709

    XYZ
    Participant

    I strongly feel that I have let myself down and I am letting myself down again and again. Life has given me many gifts and opportunities, but I always sabotage them. I am so deep in self hate. I’ve tried some self-compassion and loving kindness (metta) meditations but they always say affirmations like May All be happy, May all be fulfilled and I don’t feel authentic in saying them. Honestly, I am selfish, envious, and I hate a lot of persons and I’m also jealous of many people. I can’t say I want them to be happy. I don’t know what to do? I feel ashamed of myself, I feel ashamed of being a nobody when everyone who lagged behind me is so successful. I hate everything – myself for not trying hard to be successful, for being lazy, for missing out opportunities, for wasting my gifts. I hate everyone. I am envious of them. I know I should get rid of my envy, wish other people well, but I can’t do it? Compassion is very hard for me, be it for self or others. Can anyone please guide me? I feel like God is punishing me for my envy by making me lag behind everyone

    #321725

    anita
    Participant

    Dear XYZ:

    In May this year you replied to a member. You wrote in your reply: “We can’t escape from our life how much we try”.

    I say: when we experience a painful childhood, we can’t forget about it and escape that pain as adults. No matter how hard we try, we keep re-experiencing the same-old-same-old in different circumstances, different locations, different years and decades, forevermore- unless we return to that childhood so to examine it, to  understand it, to feel it again, to process it and make choices that need to be made. Only then we can leave the past behind and move on to a different kind of life.

    If you are still living with your parents, it will be very difficult for you to examine your childhood because you are still interacting with your parents in the same ways as before, and that keeps your life the same.

    I hope to read back from you.

    anita

    #321829

    Julia
    Participant

    Dear XYZ,

    Being envious and jealous all the time is extremely EXHAUSTING. I used to live my life like that. I was so unhappy with myself that I couldn’t be happy for others. I pushed away those closest to me because I felt like I didn’t deserve their love. When I hit rock bottom, I really had to evaluate why I felt the way that I did. Reading self-development books really helped me through the journey. Many of us grow up without learning coping mechanisms so we end up developing ways to protect ourselves that can be harmful.

    I recommend reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and The Universe Has Your Back by Gabby Berstein.

    Hope this helps! Stay strong. You will get through this. You are 100% capable of love and compassion, you just have to remember it.

    YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE.

    #321871

    GL
    Participant

    Dear XYZ,

    There’s no mention of the culture that surrounds you and its messages that was instilled into you since you were born so not much to go on, but why do you believe that you are failing and that you must succeed at something? What’s driving this fear of not doing anything special with your life? And why the need to compare your success to other people? Do you see that they are happy and you envy that? Or is it something else?

    Also, why are other people’s happiness something that makes you unhappy when it has nothing to do with you? Your happiness has nothing to do with them unless you choose to make it so, so what’s the story?

    #321879

    XYZ
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My childhood was fairly pleasant but yes, I wasn’t warmly accepted by kids of my age. I was more of an outcast. People made fun of me, and I was never part of a group. Also, in Asia, studies is deeply related to prestige and if I lagged behind in studies, people deserted me. The world was very competitive and it took a toll on me.

    #321881

    XYZ
    Participant

    Thank you Julia. I’ve read The Power of Now and it is a very good book. Thanks for the encouragement. I agree that being envious all the time is too exhausting.

    #321887

    XYZ
    Participant

    The culture is a very competitive one. Our worth is judged by society by our salary packages. The person who earns more, is more respected in the society where I live. Sometimes it’s very toxic and all I want is to leave it all and live in a cottage at woods.

    #321957

    anita
    Participant

    Dear XYZ:

    We humans are social animals, and like any social animal we care how others in our society (be it the coyote social group, the elk herd, or our family/school/company where we work, etc.) view us. It is in our genes, in our nature. When a social animal is rejected by its social group it, it is devastating for the rejected individual. No wonder then, that when you were rejected by kids your age (your social group) as a child, it devastated you.

    Here is the rejection: “I wasn’t warmly accepted by kids my age. I was more of an outcast. People made fun of me, and I was never part of a group“.

    A social animal has to be part of a group, it is in the definition of social in “social animal”, and humans are very much social animals. Even if you did live in a cottage in the woods, you would still need other people once in a while.

    Not only were you rejected as a kid by other kids, but the society where you live rejects people who lag behind the competition in grades, and later, income made (“In Asia, studies is deeply related to prestige and I lagged behind in studies… The culture is a very competitive one.  Our worth is judged by society by our social packages… The person who earns more, is more respected in the society where I live”).

    This means that society, people you never met, already reject you simply because of your lesser grades and lesser income. So when you meet people, you reasonably assume that they will reject you once they find out about your grades and later, your income.

    *By the way, I don’t know of a society where a person is  not judged by the size of their income/ their financial worth.

    “I am so deep in self hate.. I hate.. myself for not trying hard to be successful, for being lazy..”- when an individual is rejected by the group, the individual gets angry with herself, the one being rejected.

    “I hate a lot of persons…jealous of many people. I can’t say I want them to be happy.. I hate everyone “- when an individual is rejected by the group, the individual  gets angry at the rejecting group. This anger is natural. It is not an indication of bad character, it is an automatic result of being rejected. Everyone gets angry when rejected, at themselves and at those doing the rejecting. No one is “wired for compassion” for those doing the rejecting.

    What-to-do— unlike other social animals, we are capable of language and elaborate thinking. We have that advantage, so let’s use it for  our advantage: when a student in school, in your very competitive society, gets a perfect grade, can she or he guarantee getting a perfect grade from then on forevermore? What kind of anxiety do students with perfect grades experience when anticipating the next exam, and the next? And what kind of devastation do they experience when they get a lesser grade?

    An adult, making high income, does he  or she notice that others are making more money, seeing  that others have more expensive cars, staying at more expensive hotels when traveling, feeling resentment, wondering why he/ she is making less money, angry for being lazy in comparison?

    Look around you at people. Don’t look at the vehicles they drive, the clothes they wear, their job titles and income on papers/ computer records, words and numbers. Look at their faces and bodies- are they ecstatic, smiling from ear to ear, euphoric?

    It is difficult to look at the bigger picture, like I am suggesting, when you are focused on this one small corner of the bigger picture, thinking: I-am-less-than, I-have-failed. It feels so devastatingly  convincing, that we think this really is all of Reality, the Whole Picture.

    But it is not all of reality, and it is not the whole  picture.

    If you want, post again with your thoughts and feelings, and we can continue to communicate.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  anita.
    #322029

    GL
    Participant

    Dear XYZ,

    There’s good new and there’s bad new.

    The good new is that you are wired differently than your peers therefore you prefer to strive for different things than them, i e, money, status, etc. The bad new is that you’re wired different. Because you are wired different, your peers will probably not understand most of your actions or thoughts so it was safer to isolate you. Humans don’t like different because it can pose danger, as learnt from the human ancestors, and that unconscious lesson has persisted to the modern world, which can and has cause division among different society. It is causing a division in your thinking and that of your peers as you try to adapt to what your peers are telling you versus what your heart of heart really wants you to be doing.

    You write that you’ve wasted your talent and any opportunities given to you, but if you really think about it, if you really wanted to utilized those ‘talent’ and those ‘opportunities’, then wouldn’t you’ve done something with them already? Because they were something you really wanted, right? Yet here you are, lamenting about missed opportunities. So why didn’t you jump on those opportunities when you had the chance? What held you back? Your lack of confidence in achieving something? Or because you really didn’t care about those opportunities because you simply want to head to the woods instead?

    On the issues of your envy, you envy people around you because to you, they seem to have found the magic answer to life because they look so happy, right? Yet, have you ever asked them whether they are happy or merely telling themselves that they are happy? Or maybe you envy them because they can follow society’s rule and be happy and be a part of that society while no matter what you do, you can’t seem to make yourself agree to what society is telling you so you can’t do your part and be a part of that society. It’s a very lonely feeling, right? After all, you don’t fit in. But you want to fit in. But you can’t seem to make yourself follow the rules of society. So it’s a dilemma of ‘damn if you do, damn if you don’t’.

    So what do you want to do?

    #322041

    XYZ
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    All other successful people seem so happy. They are always smiling, cheerful. They are so perfect. They have creative hobbies, they exercise, they study, they grow and all I do is watching TV and reading books. I used to be the best student in my school, then I went through a phase (as a teenager, I wanted to apply my study to real life rather than collecting many degrees). I too want to grow in career but my fear paralyzes me. I’m too scared. The uncertainty of future is unsettling. I was an idealist, but all my ideals are shattered. As a teenager, I let my heart dictate my career choices but it backfired.

    #322047

    XYZ
    Participant

    Dear GL,

    I have several limited subconscious beliefs which result in self sabotage. My problem is I was always a promising beginner. I was the best student in my school and college but couldn’t utilize my initial successes. I am always prone to getting distracted or just being plain lazy. I have escapist tendency. I try to avoid hard work which is pre requisite for success. I don’t know how my life will turn out. I always had the advantage and yet I am wasting my life.

    #322135

    anita
    Participant

    Dear XYZ:

    In your original post you wrote: “I’ve tried some self-compassion and loving kindness (metta) meditations but they always say affirmations like May All be Happy, May all be fulfilled”-

    In your recent post to me, you wrote: “All other successful people seem so happy. They are always smiling, cheerful. They are so perfect”-

    -if they are all happy and fulfilled, why wish them what they already have (the metta meditations)? I am guessing your thinking when repeating “May All be Happy, May all be fulfilled” is something like: but they are already happy! They are already fulfilled! I am the only one who  isn’t happy and fulfilled!!

    Is that your thinking?

    anita

     

    #322161

    GL
    Participant

    Dear XYZ,

    Describe how you are constantly distracted. How or why are you distracted? And how are you ‘plainly lazy’?

    How were you the best student in school? What happened to that? What kind of career were you hoping to obtain? What were your ideals?

    Where are you right now in your life?

    #322199

    XYZ
    Participant

    I feel the same. I’ve read to have self compassion, you have to wish well for others but I can’t wish them well while I’m stuck. If I am happy, I can wish other people well. But if I am miserable myself, I can’t have goodwill for others. It’s like a deadlock.

    #322201

    XYZ
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear GL,</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I am always distracted by television and books. I become obsessed with fictional characters and stories. It’s not that I have never been productive. Sometimes, I am passionate about my projects. I was passionate about being a good software developer and I thought nothing could stop me because I’ve aced interviews and the related exams. I’ve passed on several good opportunities which could have been very good for my future for its sake. But then in spite of everything, my dream went unfulfilled. Every time I listened to my heart, it backfired. Then I dreamt of becoming a writer but found out I can’t write and I’m uncertain about my future in my current career(which is not writing). I feel unprepared for life.</p>

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