Thanks Will yeah Matt had some very insightful words & interesting perspectives. A lot of which resonated with me & made me see some things differently. I saw it differently but was still mad. However since then I’ve came a long way. I have even referred back to Matts posts at times when I needed to maintain some healing power.

I’ve no other way to frame it. People DID do something to me. The things that happened are facts & these facts hurt me. I am doing well in life & will be doing even better soon when I find a new job. I just lose focus sometimes & my attention falls back to the wrongs committed against me. I have also slacked off from doing EFT & meditation for about a month now (due to my apartment getting renovated & other stuff) & I have always found that if I don’t maintain mediation, I fall back into anger in due course. So, I’ve literally just started it again an hour ago.

Hey Martina. A lot of her actions WERE directed at hurting me – she screwed around pregnant to spite me. Once, when she was pregnant, I saw her in town sitting in a car with an ex boyfriend, I tried to talk to her & she gave me the finger as they drove off.

I have often attempted to see things from her perspective – after my kid was born I didn’t see him much for 18 months, so what did I miss? I missed sleepless nights, dirty nappies, feeds, crying, stress etc. I’ve tried showing compassion to these facts however the compassion always got overwritten by the level of betrayal in the bigger picture such as the entire list of stuff in my initial post.

The new boyfriends etc all having spent time with & even met my boy long before I did, me being last to meet him, the christening, sex whilst pregnant, another man seeing my child into the world, is stuff that can’t be undone. Some of it may seem insignificant to some, but they’re massively important to me. As well as everything else on that list.

Thanks but, I don’t care much for the peace of any of the men involved. I wouldn’t care if anything happened to them.

I know I can’t change what’s happened, so I guess I’ll once again try to focus on the future.

In a sudden turn of events i have suggested to my boys mum that we should get back together.

I had been really interested in this other woman though since about February, from Facebook. We had been getting close over text etc & i saw something happening with her long term. This might make you form judgements about her but she has 3 kids all from different dads. However she is not some benefits scrounge, she has a career as a social worker & she is just amazing in so many ways i could list but just take my word for it. Then 2 weeks ago we had a debate on facebook about a particular breed of young people in my city, who hijack cars – many of which are defenseless women with their toddler. I voiced my utter disgust & hatred for these little rats & would personally pay to see them hurt. But the “social worker” in this lady took offense to the things i said about them & said the opposite, that they should be shown compassion because they have underlying issues that need addressed.

So we had that debate which was a difference of beliefs or opinion, & she hasn’t spoken to me since, i don’t think she is going to either as I’ve sent 3 messages with no reply. No, we hadn’t met before but i was really into her & were due to meet very soon when we weren’t so busy & it was so disheartening to have built such a connection with her for it to go down the pan over nothing.

Back to my childs mum now. Not long ago she started sending me pictures of her & my son looking happy etc. i didn’t really think nothing at first but then began to think she was hinting at me to see us all together properly, and in some of the pictures she does look really nice. She also recently suggested we take our son out together to the cinema (we have NEVER done anything even close to this). The other night i was having a few beers & i saw yet another photo of just her, on whatssapp, of her looking real good & i sent her humorous text that included us maybe getting back together & she replied positively with a smile.

The thing is just a few weeks ago i was sure i will never get back with because i saw something happening with this other lady, & now shes stopped talking to me, all of a sudden I’m open to getting back with my ex?

The things she did to me don’t hurt as much any more, but they are still there deep down i just don’t bring them out. I could, but i choose not to as they only hurt. The fact that they are always going to be in my memory means they could come out some time in an argument.

I think rather than jump straight into it we should meet for a few drinks & a chat – & I don’t mean a chat about feelings & shit, i mean just have a laugh – maybe have sex, & then see how i feel about it… Although last night she did say that we could meet for a drink or something just cos we need to get on for our kids sake, but that there is no future for us because she cant forgive me for her court debt when i attempted to gain PR last year. Well she did worse to me.

Im also interested in this sexy little blonde 20 year old too who i hope to meet up with soon.

Im starting a new job next week in an office & what if there’s some available hotties there? Haha

I don’t even think i know what i want now that the lady i had invested too much feelings in suddenly removed herself from the idea.

I’m honestly not bothered either way. But does anyone think i would be mad to reunite with my ex after what she did to me?

Anita, that is an incredible insight!

Within the first few lines of your post I immediately stopped & sat there with my jaw hitting the floor realising what you said is very relevant & true…

My mother abandoned me when I was around 10 to 12 years old. She had an affair & dumped my dad. What happened was that since I was the only boy with 4 sisters, being the boy I would “go with dad”

I began drinking & taking drugs from a very young age, 10 years old (smoking, abusing solvents & cannabis from even younger than 10), which I have never blamed anyone for as I was never forced to do anything. However as I got older I was more aware that I probably enjoyed doing those things to blank out the pain of what happened. I was also too young to grasp the severity of everything – the break up, the drink, the drugs, becoming out of control etc… I always just accepted it & lived my life.

But the fact is it was a form of abandonment & rejection on my mother’s part. About 7 years ago myself & my youngest sister who is 5 years younger were having a glass of wine together & as the conversation developed suddenly we had a massive realisation where we stopped & I said “omg sis, you & me actually grew up separately, we barely even know each other!”

Now, my mother isn’t a bad, evil person. She has suffered a lot in her own life too. She had to raise her own siblings due to alcoholic parents, then in our family she lost a girl to cot death when I was 2 & my parents believe that was the beginning of the end for them because it was never the same. They lost another boy then too after my youngest sister.

Mum eventually had the affair & we all separated. After a few years, when I was heavily into hard drugs, mum herself became an alcoholic. For years I would barely see her, I think I’ve probably gone 2 years without seeing her on one occasion, but I was busy being addicted to ecstasy, speed & cocaine, living a wild & hectic life, so it didn’t matter.

It’s important I now point out that I gave up all drugs 5 years ago, in fact it’s my 5 year anniversary on Saturday the 1st of August 🙂 & now I work against drugs helping educate kids on their dangers.

The stuff my ex done, of which you stated you are well aware of as I have repeated them over & over, some of the specific actions are more of a personal thing like the sex whilst pregnant with my child – what I mean is whether or not my mum had an affair & dumped me wouldn’t change my anger to that particular action by my ex. Time isn’t a healer it’s just a mask. Depends on the wrongs of course, I could probably eventually let go of a lot of the wrongs but when it’s something as undoable as sex whilst pregnant with my child then no amount of time or apologies are ever going to make it right & that dark cloud will always be there… I know it isn’t a good idea to get back with her when inside there is still a part of me that seethes & burns, holding onto obtaining punishment for those men.

However Anita, please help me further understand what this overall means to me now & why it is significant… When I read your post I immediately knew it was my mum, but what does it mean? How does my mother abandoning me transfer to the things my ex done to me 15 years later? Is it something like I was screaming out NOO NOT REJECTION AGAIN without consciously knowing it? Cn this be used to ease my pain?

I think I would have been angry about things my ex done regardless, but I do believe this rejection/abandonment thing may hold major significance.

Please enlighten me more Anita, if you can

Wow! Once again Anita you have presented me with an amazing insight.

I have decided I need help & I am going to seek out CBT or something similar with proven effective practical techniques that assist healing, as opposed to just talking about the pain therefore resurfacing it all.

Earlier today I went for a walk to my favorite place in the city, the docks. I go there to meditate when I am feeling down, but today I was really angry, painfully angry. It was a combination of everything my ex done, but mixed with anger at the recent girl who suddenly rejected me, triggering all this off. I was trembling with anger & I almost cried at how much I have suffered, & that was when I accepted that I need more professional help.

The rage at the other men & desire to see them hurt is not going to disappear. I will never be able to wish them well & hope for their good fortune, but I accept that, I dont want to wish them well anyway, I would be lying. However, I know I can control the rage – for months while i was into this new girl the hurtful memories could pop up in my head regularly & yet i wouldn’t explore them, I would just allow them to drift off quickly. But now they have come back, triggered by another rejection.

I will start using meditation again, ERT & EFT. I stopped using them months ago & i know that at the time they seemed to alleviate the pain. So I can only benefit from starting again.

Matts analogies were as amazingly insightful as yours Anita, there really are some blessed souls on here who do really care 🙂 they didn’t immediately help me but I knew they made sense.

I will look into the professional help & of course report back when i do.

Thanks for the congrats. I think it is quite an achievement in itself that throughout all this i never returned to drugs 🙂

My kids mum rejected me & now i’m all pissed off & stuff.

She looked incredible last night in her whatsapp picture & i told her so. Then i mentioned again about getting back together. Lately she had been sending me lots of little cosy photos of her & my boy, planting a seed i believe, & then at the end she just tells me its never gunna happen, that she is moving on & gunna start dating again now that our son is that bit older.

Im not totally pissed about the rejection itself so much, because deep down i still truly hate her guts. What annoys me is the idea of another man playing daddy to my son.

Shes told me before that she would never change his surname, nor would he ever call anyone else daddy, so at least i don’t have to worry about that. However it does piss me right off the possibility of some other man building a bond with MY boy since they will no doubt spend more time in his company.

I just hate it all. I don’t want to be friends with my ex & some other man, & i cant see a scenario where we are all friendly – yes most likely due my stubbornness, & deep hurt from the shit she did, but thats the way it is.