Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→I'm trying to break free from the pain of the past
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October 24, 2018 at 6:41 am #232931
AnonymousGuestDear Dan:
You are very welcome. I am glad you want to encourage your son to love his future sibling/s (“facilitating his love for them”). Lots of parents encourage their children to hate, instead. I am glad you are not one of those.
And I remember very well your anger, that “pain of past” (title of your thread). I don’t think you will ever forget or forgive that one. I understand. What I am feeling good about is that you are able to act sensibly and effectively even with that anger. That you are in control.
anita
November 10, 2018 at 8:28 pm #236335
DanParticipantToday I spoke with my 7 year old son on the phone. I hadn’t spoke to him since a month ago, which was on his birthday.
During our chat he told me he was going to be a big brother. I told him I was delighted for him and asked him questions about it like did he want a brother or sister and was he excited etc. He was and is looking forward to it, which will be in about 5 and a half months.
After our call I text his mum simply saying “congratulations” and with the little baby emoji. For a couple of minutes I was actually slightly reluctant of doing this, but I done it anyway.
She text back saying thanks and I asked when my boy was going to be a big brother. She told me the date, and also said she was very scared but that hopefully all would work out.
I just replied “you did it before you’ll be ok” …. and there was no reply. If she felt coldness from it, well she, more than anyone, knows why.
I could have asked her why she was scared. I could have engaged her as to how it’s going or what her concerns are. I didn’t though, and it was because of what I experienced when she was pregnant with MY child. I got no consideration, so because of that I’m going to return none. Just because of the fact she’s now pregnant to another person means nothing to me, I’m still indifferent.
Obviously there are now going to be future things that will affect my life such as my son potentially having a step-dad if she ever gets married. And even if she doesn’t, he’s already playing that role anyway. I don’t care how petty it makes me sound I’ll never be happy with any such arrangement, since I got well and truly screwed.
My intentions of continuing to be cold and indifferent to her even though she’s pregnant, would anyone approach this differently, or just do what I’m doing?
November 11, 2018 at 6:20 am #236353AnonymousGuestDear Dan:
First thing I wondered about when I read your recent post is why did you not talk or see your son for a whole month?
“you did it before you’ll be ok” read to me like a friendly response (I didn’t hear your tone of voice, of course), meaning you were pregnant and successfully gave birth before, so you will do it again, give birth and be okay, that is how it read to me.
I think that somehow you need a working relationship with the mother of your child for the next 11 years, maybe less, because your son may experience independence enough before adult age. Make it a business working relationship, civil enough to facilitate better access to your son and prevent your son from feeling the tension and pain that you feel in his mother’s presence and otherwise.
Be civil to her, no need to be affectionate, or concerned for her well being beyond her ability to be a good mother to your son. If this is getting more difficult recently, counseling may be a good idea?
anita
November 12, 2018 at 3:08 pm #236577DanParticipantHi Anita,
Things aren’t more difficult, but there probably will be things in the future that will be. I don’t care if she’s pregnant, it’s none of my concern.
I don’t need counselling. I know I’m probably quite stubborn in terms of me holding stuff against her, but the fact is she did things that are irreparable so for that reason I won’t let those things go. Also the fact that she did those things when carrying MY child brings the spotlight back to those things, for me.
I can be civil, but no more.
I’m literally in the process of taking a further leap in that I’m about to go live with my online business.
I’m already a bachelor, and I intend to be forever. I just can’t wait to be a wealthy one. I’m doing it for me, but I want her to know and realise I became so as a result of her doings, and that will be bittersweet for her, I hope.
Thank you 🙂
November 13, 2018 at 4:29 am #236621AnonymousGuestDear Dan:
You are welcome. “I can be civil, but no more” is good enough!
I didn’t understand “I’m about to go live with my online business”?
anita
November 13, 2018 at 4:16 pm #236759DanParticipantHi Anita,
I’ll be as civil as i can/need to, but deep down I don’t want to absolve her. She needs to remain aware that her actions aren’t and never will be forgotten about, and as such will be forever present in my dealings with her. That’s her punishment for the irreversible things she did.
What I was saying is that I’m about to launch my first ever business, which is – initially at least – going to be based online 🙂 I’m really excited about it. This is actually one of the long term positives that came out of my past misery, since this is the next chapter of the life I’ve been building ever since the dark days when I got hurt in all those ways.
Danny.
November 14, 2018 at 6:33 am #236809AnonymousGuestDear Danny:
I wish you success in this chapter of your life, days with light to follow “the dark days. Post here anytime you feel like posting. I will be glad to reply anytime you do post.
anita
April 16, 2019 at 3:41 pm #289351DanParticipantSo my ex, the mother of my 7 year old, had her new baby with her boyfriend 2 days ago. Meaning my son now has a baby brother.
My sister, who she talks to from time to time, saw the pictures on Facebook and let me know about it. It’s ironic because my own child’s pictures were all over Facebook 10 hours before I even knew I was a father. Although obviously this isn’t my child so therefore their picture on Facebook means nothing to me.
I don’t really know how I feel. I think I literally feel nothing at all. I mean, I’m happy for my son now being a big brother, but that’s about it. Aside from that I’m completely emotionless about it all, even the possibility of future dynamics changing in ways I don’t and won’t agree with.
I haven’t texted her to acknowledge that I know or to say congratulations. I don’t know if I should do so, or even if I really want to.
Any thoughts on what I should do?
April 16, 2019 at 6:14 pm #289369AnonymousGuestDear Dan:
I read part of your post, and will read all of it attentively when I am back to the computer in about twelve hours from now, will reply to you then.
anita
April 17, 2019 at 6:32 am #289415AnonymousGuestDear Dan:
I am not surprised you “literally feel nothing at all”. It is impossible to feel the anger all the time, too difficult, exhausting, keeps the brain and body alert and ready to fight, so our brain naturally suppresses the anger, so that we can keep functioning.
I wish there was a way to take that anger out and away from you, so that it stops hurting you. Like you wrote, you are stubborn that way (“I know I’m probably quite stubborn in terms of me holding stuff against her”).
Notice how angry you are at her, and for so long: “she did things that are irreparable so for that reason I won’t let those things go… deep down I don’t want to absolve her. She needs to remain aware that her actions aren’t and never will be forgotten about, and as such will be forever present in my dealings with her. That’s her punishment for the irreversible things she did”.
But your anger at her is punishing you and your son.
You wrote before that she is a good mother to your son, is it still correct? And is she treating you respectfully, has been for a while?
If so, making peace with her past choices is the way for you to go, not for her individual well being, but for yours and your son. The more you punish her with your anger, the more you punish the mother of your son. A punished mother makes a lesser mother.
And an ongoing angry father (goes from feeling the anger to feeling nothing, back to anger and overall depleted) makes a lesser father, and it makes your life a lesser life.
Will you consider aiming at letting go of the anger at her?
anita
April 17, 2019 at 4:24 pm #289501DanParticipantHi again Anita,
Yes she is and always has been a good mother, and is respectful to me. I’m also respectful to her in my dealings with her. I’m not angry like I used to be, there’s just some residual pain left over from what she done when she was pregnant that will never go away.
Me feeling no emotion about this is probably a healing in some way. Whereas 5 years ago it would have been a huge pain.
I’m quite certain there’ll be future things on the horizon that may well have the potential for causing me a huge upset, like if she ever changes my boys surname if she gets married, for example, but I’ll just deal with that if and when it comes.
Anything that does happen that I don’t agree with, I’ll certainly let it be known, but I won’t allow it to affect me negatively.
And that’s why it will be difficult to truly let it all go, because I know there will be future changes that affect me and my child. And even though I’m more indifferent about things involving this whole situation nowadays, it will be enough to keep me from truly healing.
PS Anita: I want to say I’ll consider letting go of the resentment, but this is much easier said than done. And especially so, given what I’ve just said above.
I’m going to think about what you said about a punished mother makes a lesser mother.
Thank you
April 17, 2019 at 7:21 pm #289519AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Dan. I will read more of your recent post when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now and reply further then.
anita
April 18, 2019 at 10:16 am #289581AnonymousGuestDear Dan:
I am glad your rage lessened over the years and hope it continues to lessen.
I read and re-read your posts on your two threads, since Feb 2014. Here are my suggestions:
1. When you found out that the mother of our son is expecting another child, I think it was about Oct last year, you told your son that you and him will shop for a gift for his new brother. Maybe you should follow up on that and together with your son shop for a gift, wrap it and give it to his brother.
2. You tried many times to forgive your child’s mother, even told her that you did, gave her your forgiveness as a Christmas gift, but failed each time. Better you stop trying to forgive her. Instead, try to love more: when you feel anger at your child’s mother and/ or at the men in her life, past and present, shift your focus from anger to love- love for your son.
In your many posts I didn’t detect love/ tender affection and interactions with your son.
Again and again, when you feel angry at her/ men in her life, shift from anger to affection for your son.
3. You desired to punish your child’s mother for a long time, wanted her to suffer and you succeeded. I have no doubt that she wishes she never met you.
Don’t try to inflict more suffering on the mother of your child. If his mother suffers (more), she will be distressed and therefore, not as good a mother as she would be calm.
Don’t make it more difficult on the mother of your child to.. be a good mother to your child.
anita
April 18, 2019 at 3:31 pm #289639DanParticipantHi Anita,
You are so very kind to have read through the threads again. It further proves you really care.
My son means the world to me. He is the number 1 in my life. I’ll take him to get something for his brother, a gift.
I’ll just have to go with the flow and refrain from giving her a hard time. If anything ever happens that I don’t agree with, like my sons surname changing if she got married, I’ll let them know about it, tell them I disapprove, and then just go back to doing my thing.
You might be right about her wishing she never met me. But anything I’ve felt or made her feel was a result of her actions. Which, if she does wish she never met me, it is all her own fault.
Luckily I have a lot going on in my life and I am happy. With much more happier times on the way, as I will one day sooner rather than later be able to resign and be my own boss. When this happens I’ll be able to create even greater times with my boy, perhaps taking him on holidays etc.
I’m always progressing and developing both professionally and in my personal life, and the irony is that everything good I’ve created in my life up to now all stemmed from the pain I felt at her actions back then.
What about me saying congratulations to her? The new baby was born on Monday and I haven’t said anything. Do you think it would be a good idea to text simply saying congratulations?
Dan
April 18, 2019 at 5:34 pm #289651AnonymousGuestDear Dan:
I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer in about 13 hours from now.
anita
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