Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→I'm trying to break free from the pain of the past
- This topic has 77 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 5 months ago by
Anonymous.
-
AuthorPosts
-
April 19, 2019 at 6:58 am #289727
AnonymousGuestDear Dan:
You are welcome. I read and studied your posts for four hours or more yesterday and I have some input for you related to what you wrote in your most recent post:
When your mother had an affair, that is, when your mother had sex with another man while married to your father, your mother did something wrong. The consequences of her wrongdoing was the breaking of your family, and your separation at about 10 years old, from your mother and from your siblings for years. You were angry at her for… choosing sex over you, for betraying you over sex with another man. But a boy feels guilty for being angry at his mother, no matter what she does. You drowned your anger in drugs instead of feeling it, but the anger was always there.
What happened in 2011 is that you shifted your anger from one woman to another. Problem is your mother was married when she had sex with another man, and she allowed the situation to be where her son was no longer in her life.
But your son’s mother was not married/ not in any relationship with you when she had sex with another man or men and she did not allow a situation to be where she was no longer in her son’s life.
It is your mother who is guilty perhaps of choosing sex over you, not your son’s mother. Your son’s mother is still with her son, he is not separated from her.
You wrote: “You might be right about her wishing she never met me. But anything I’ve felt of made her feel was a result of her actions. Which, if she does wish she never met me, it is all her own fault”- not true. You wrote this untruth repeatedly in your threads: all is her fault. Not only is it not true, it is far from the truth:
– she and you are equally responsible for her getting pregnant with your child.
– she didn’t hurt the fetus in her when she had sex, no physical harm whatsoever. There is no law against having sex while pregnant. There was no commitment to you that she broke because you were not in a relationship. I understand it makes you want to vomit thinking about it, but outside how it feels to you, there was no wrongdoing on her part.
– you are responsible for harassing her on and off for about seven years, it was your wrongdoing.
In summary: it is not you who should forgive her. If forgiveness is appropriate, then it would be she and your son who will need to forgive you if you change your ways and stop exacting revenge from the mother of your child, and in so doing harming her and your son.
“My son means the world to me. He is the number 1 in my life”- not true from what I read. You have seen him as a possession, something you own. You never mentioned his thoughts, his feelings, who he is as a little person. No mention of special, close moments between you and him.
At some point in this thread you mentioned that you talked with your son on the phone for the first time since his birthday, for a whole month you didn’t talk with him.
The ongoing emotion in your threads is intense anger aka hate, rage and the desire for revenge. Your focus, your number 1 has been revenge.
In context of your son and his mother, it is you, Dan, who is in the wrong. I hope you right the wrong that you are responsible for.
anita
April 27, 2019 at 8:08 am #291499
DanParticipantHi Anita,
I appreciate you taking so much time out of your day to read through the entirety of my threads. I have taken over a week to respond as I wanted to sit on your thoughts for a while.
I understand the likelihood that I had deeply repressed anger from my mother leaving me, and the likelihood that this anger arose when my child’s mother did what she did. Although the biggest difference is that my ex was carrying my son, my mother wasn’t. That’s the aggravating factor in all this.
Would I still have been so hurt and angry about it if my mother hadn’t left me and I’d had a normal upbringing? Well, I will never know the answer to that. All I know now is that my mother can’t undo what she did, nor can my ex undo what she did, therefore perhaps that’s why I can’t get past it either way.
There’s no law against her having sex whilst pregnant and single, but she did massively insult me and my unborn child by doing so, and so did any men involved. Even mentioning those men now makes me still wish for their downfall in some form or other.
I’ve been reading Tony Robbins book Awaken the Giant Within and today I read an interesting chapter about metaphors for life and transformational vocabulary. In it, he talks about and teaches through examples of how we can change how we see, think and interpret things. Obviously, I’ll never get over the pain I’ve felt at her actions but I’m going to try implementing these strategies in my life going forward. In fact I believe I’ve already went through a transition at some point a couple of years ago where I care less and less about any decision she may make that’ll hurt me. For example I no longer care about my name being on the birth certificate, so much so that if she asked me now if I wanted my name on it I’d laugh and tell her to shove it, it’s too late.
I do admit I’ve probably went the wrong way about things at times but like I said before Anita, her actions created my reactions, and there’s just no getting away from that.
Further to what I’ve learned in that book – and this is something I’ve always known and even expressed on here, so don’t think that it was because of the book – this enormous pain I’ve experienced made me completely change my life to a point I never dreamed was possible for me. I recall sitting in my bedroom 10 years ago whilst still living in my dads house. At the time I was at rock bottom, still on drugs, no friends, no social life, no job, feeling absolutely worthless, thinking, “how on earth did it get to this, and how the hell can I possibly turn this around?”. I didn’t see way out of the hole I was in, and the future was bleak. I never once contemplated suicide, all I wanted to do was run away very far and never come back, because the life I was living was a very depressing one.
What I’m saying is, I’ve never actually sat down and put on paper what I was then, to what I am now. I think that by using the strategies I mentioned, I can change how I think about what happened. I’m not a believer of “everything happens for a reason” or any of that, but I can draw on all the positive changes I’ve made in my life since then, in an attempt to make the scars of 2011 mean less and less. I mean, 95% of where I’m at now and the life I live, as well as where I’m going, would not have even been a thought if I hadn’t experienced the pain I did. In some ways I should perhaps thank her.
Most people try to fill their pain from similar circumstances by going and having a kid with another person as soon as possible, which in my eyes is the lamest thing ever. It’s an attempt to say “look at me everyone, look at how ok I am, I’ve moved on already”, and from the instances of this I’ve seen it stinks of desperation.
Me? Well because of this hugely painful event in my life, I’m never getting married. I’m always open to meeting someone who changes my mind, but instead I decided long ago I’m going to remain a bachelor. I date multiple ladies at any one time and that’s just how I roll now. The best about it is that I’m going to be a wealthy bachelor too, always dating gorgeous young women.
I saw my child the other day and he was so happy to see me, as was I happy to see him. He really enjoys going on days out with my sister and his cousins, even without me there, and his mother is happy for him to go have fun with them without her. He’s also very excited to be a big brother. I brought a little teddy and card for him to fill out and bring home. One of many gifts he’ll be bringing his brother after being with me.
Yes I envy that another man lives with my son and his mum, but as I’ve previously stated, my absolute indifference to the situation makes it not hurt too much anymore. I’ve got my own awesome life I’m continuing to build.
Thanks for reading,
Dan
April 27, 2019 at 10:42 am #291521AnonymousGuestDear Dan:
“the biggest difference is that my ex was carrying my son, my mother wasn’t… There’s no law against her having sex whilst pregnant and single, but she did massively insult me and my unborn child by doing so, and so did any man involved”-
– here is the objective reality: you, Dan, feel insulted. Not your son, not unless you tell him what happened and add that it was insulting.
Pay attention to what I am going to write next: people feel very strongly about particular sexual behaviors and practices. Many people feel very offended by this or that practice even if it is legal and even when it doesn’t harm anyone. For example, I feel very offended/ disgusted when imagining the practice of group sex. It disturbs me quite intensely to imagine it, and it doesn’t matter if it is done legally (all participants are of age of majority and mentally capable of making this choice etc.), it doesn’t matter. The image of it is.. disgusting to me.
The image of group sex may not be disgusting to you, not if none of the female participants is pregnant. On the other hand, the practice of a woman being pregnant in the earlier stages, having sex one-to one with a man who is not the bio father, does not disgust me.
What has been bothering you all these years is an issue of a Personal Sexual Pet Peeve.
Let’s say I make a friend and find out that she or he does the group sex, I will probably not want to associate with her, because when I see the woman, I will automatically feel disgust. In your case, best would have been if once you found out she practiced what disgusts you, that you will not associate with her anymore.
Let’s make it more personal you wrote before, and in your most recent post: “I date multiple ladies at any one time and that’s how I roll now. The best about it is that I’m going to be a wealthy bachelor too, always dating gorgeous young women”- personally, I feel it is disgusting that this is what you do and plan to do, even if as you wrote before, the women know that you date others.
Your plan to be wealthy and date gorgeous young women indicate that you intend to either pay young women for sex (buy them things, spend lots of money on them, if not actually hand them cash), or that you intend to make them believe that they will benefit materially if they have sex with you and then not follow through. Not only does this disgust me, it is also unethical.
“Her actions created my reactions”- not true. You are not taking personal responsibility for your feelings or actions. You act like a self righteous individual who is justified to say and do whatever he wants because he is only reacting. No, you are responsible for your feelings, for the particular Persona Sexual Pet Peeve that you have and for how you act, what you say and how you act.
I am glad you don’t intend to have more children, this is a good plan. I understand that you felt great emotional pain, since you were a child yourself. But this woman, the mother of your son, is not responsible for your pain, therefore you are not justified in any of your efforts to hurt her and punish her. She is the mother of two children. When you hurt her, you hurt those two children.
You know how it felt being hurt as a child, don’t hurt this woman’s two children.
Take responsibility for your feelings, words and actions. Stop being this self-righteous, punishing Dan.
anita
April 27, 2019 at 11:45 pm #291557
JackieParticipantHi there
I took a break from studying and stumbled across your thread. I found it interesting, especially given the continuity throughout the years. I found the need to comment after reading what was written above me… for someone who’s been quick to respond all these years… idk… seems to be kinda contradicting to their own past posts in terms of attitude.
I definitely think that you’ve healed and bettered yourself over this period of time. I don’t think this pain at all is somehow connected to your mom, as this is a totally different situation that warrants another perspective.
Keep thriving and doing well for yourself. Things your ex has done will always hurt you, and will be unforgivable to you, nothing can change that; but you’ve already heard that a million times, and you’re doing your best to get over it.
What you do with your life is nobody else’s business. Date other people, promote your entrepreneurial business! Don’t let anyone stop you. But maybe apply this rule to your ex — concerning yourself with her own activities is only going to inhibit your own personal growth. Who cares if she’s pregnant with another guy’s kid now – I know it’s a blow to the ego, but you’ve gotta focus on you and your son… everyone else (ex and her bf) are irrelevant. Continue to be in your son’s life – in the blink of an eye he’ll be going off to college, and then you won’t have to deal with your ex’s life at all.
Maintain a good circle of friends, and if you don’t have that strong foundation yet, attend events and put yourself out there to make connections. People that support you are essential.
Good luck to you!!!!!!
May 2, 2019 at 1:38 pm #292193DanParticipantAnita,
I appreciate certain images and scenarios may be gross to some and not others, just like group sex is to you… For me it’s not so much a woman having sex whilst pregnant, it’s that in this particular situation, that girl was carrying MY child. I really couldn’t care less if her or any other woman were to have sex whilst pregnant, as long as it’s not while it’s my child that’s being carried… I’m the one who feels irreversibly hurt, humiliated and ridiculed by it, and it obviously isn’t going to ever go away.
As much as I deeply despise her for what she done, I randomly sent her a gift of £100 the other night for ” being an amazing mummy to my boy” and wishing the newborn every luck in life.
So yes, as much as there’s deeply ingrained resentment for her in my head and heart, I still know howto “do things right”
As for me living the life I do and the life I have planned. I am free to do as please no? I am not hurting anyone or cheating on anyone. In future if and when I am wealthy, the ladies I date will be not be mislead or manipulated in any way. They will have full freedom to come and go as they please, as well as be free to date and do what they want in their own lives.
After being so deeply hurt by the mother of my child. This is the life I want.
Jackie,
I already have a pretty good vision of what I’m going to do and be, and not only that but the wheels are in motion for the business etc.
I think I’m already implementing what you suggested, in that I pretty much completely disassociate from anything she does and remain totally indifferent to almost everything except that which concerns my son.
I not only have a brilliant social circle and active lifestyle, but because of all this hurt I’ve built the kind of life I only once dreamed of.
Thanks guys
May 2, 2019 at 2:43 pm #292239AnonymousGuestDear Dan:
“in this particular situation, that girl was carrying MY child”- she was carrying HER child as well. It is her child no less than it is yours.
“I randomly sent her a gift of 100 the other night for ‘being an amazing mummy to my boy”- is it in addition to child support, or do you not pay child support?
“I am free to do as (I) please no?”- live honestly, responsibly, a good life for you and for the people involved in your life.
anita
May 8, 2019 at 8:55 am #292837DanParticipantHiya Anita,
Yes, that was also her child… Still gives me a right to be angry about her decisions. It may be her child in her body, but it’s also my child in her body.
Yes the £100 was just a gift on top of child support. Which by the way, is not court ordered or any of that nonsense. We came to agreements out of court. Like I said I’m legally a nobody to my child thanks to her.
I am living honestly and responsibly. If I date multiple girls at the same time, with nobody being cheated on or hurt, there’s nothing wrong with that. I could argue that marriage and settling down is something that is done just because it’s what a lot of “other people” do, that doesn’t make it the one and only way to live a life. I see many people do just that because they are following the crowd, society tells them that they should get married and take out a mortgage and get a car and a dog and then make a family. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just not what I want for the life I’ve only got one shot at. If having an endless stream of girls for the rest of my life makes me happy than that is what I’m going to do.
I’ll admit that it all started out as a massive “up yours” to my ex. She messed me around beyond repair? Fine, I ain’t going to settle down with the next available girl. I’m doing the exact opposite.
Dan
May 8, 2019 at 11:20 am #292851AnonymousGuestDear Dan:
In 2014 you wrote about your son’s mother: “this woman is a brilliant mother to my son & literally have nothing to worry about or fear for his safety. I sleep easy at night knowing he is in good hands with her & that he is safe”.
You believe that your son is safe in the custody of his mother, and the courts agree with you, this is why she has custody of him. Your son’s mother believes that your son is not safe with you and the court agrees with her, this is why you can’t see him without supervision: “We were at court a few months ago because I was trying to get my contact with my child move out of a supervised centre… court didn’t work because she made me look really bad with Facebook and twitter statuses that I was venting about it in” (2014).
At one time, you wanted to take your son to the cinema, outside of court supervision, so you asked his mother, “if I could take my son to the cinema.. since I won’t make it to the contact centre in time. No. She will only allow either the contact cetre or his home until she feels comfortable to even think about anything else”.
You went to court for the purpose of getting unsupervised time with your son, but she produced some evidence of what you posted on Facebook and twitter. A clue as to what you posted there is in your 2014 thread: “I have wished may horrible things to happen to her (your son’s mother) & her whole family… I hate every single person in her entire family, her friends, people she works with & anyone else who knows her & likes her. I have wished her pain & suffering. I have promised myself I’ll get revenge. I have even periodically made her aware that I will never let it go & that retribution will avail some day”.
You are about hate, Dan. “I’ve been angry so long that it has become part of me… it’s just there, deep down my soul… I’m not a bad person. I’m a good person, who has been treated badly”-
– what evidence do you have to indicate that you are a good person?
anita
May 8, 2019 at 12:41 pm #292871DanParticipantAnita,
Pretty much everything is completely different now compared to what it was back then. I’ve been taking my boy out unsupervised for at least 3 years now and all I have to do is ask whether he’s available to come out on a certain day/weekend. I actually like this arrangement better than I would any legal arrangement. The number 1 reason I was attempting to go through court back then was to gain official recognition as my sons father and get my name on his birth certificate. As I’ve said before however, these are things I no longer wish to pursue – those ships have sailed long ago.
Other notable differences are that I’m developing professionally and as a person, got my driving license, lost 40lbs at the gym, made many new friends, and I’m building my own business. I don’t have the dark cloud and burning rage of 2014 still hanging over me. At this point it’s mainly just something I can’t seem to let go of, and some part of me doesn’t want to either.
As for me being a good person. Does being a volunteer telephone counsellor for children and young people a over a period of 2 years through 2016/2018 count?
Dan.
May 8, 2019 at 5:29 pm #292933AnonymousGuestDear Dan:
Your last question makes me think of Ted Bundy, the serial murderer, he was a volunteer operator at a suicide prevention hotline center, volunteered there together with Anne Rule, the most prolific True Crime writer in the U.S whose first book was about Ted Bundy.
In your previous thread and in this one you expressed that your son’s mother is a good mother to him. You made it clear that you are very satisfied with her mothering of your boy. For this reason alone, let go of that hate towards her, aim at letting go, stop holding on to it. I wish you attended quality psychotherapy for this purpose, unearthing the origin of that hate (which I believe is in your childhood, long ago, and I brought it up to you before), and resolve your hate toward your son’s mother.
anita
June 29, 2019 at 5:03 pm #301379DanParticipantHi again, a major revelation has changed EVERYTHING.
I was dropping my boy off today, and his mum came out and was talking to my sister as I was in the yard saying hi to my sons new puppies, which he wanted to show me.
I came back to the car and I could soon tell that the conversation was of a medical nature. I listened for a bit and then asked my child’s mum “what is it” and she told me she could potentially be about to be diagnosed with MS.
It immediately hit me hard and I struggled to hold tears back there and then. She talked more about the situation; waiting for blood tests; has to spend 5 hours at hospital this coming Monday; it could be important that it’s discovered early, etc etc.
I got out of the car and told her it was freaking me out and I gave her a massive hug, telling her I hope she is gunna be ok.
She was keeping a brave face on, being in high enough spirits and even joking that she could “be on the way out”. But I know she’ll be frightened, I mean, she’s just had another baby and to begin considering the future, should you find out you have such a life-changing illness would be daunting. She’shad 2 mini-strokes, and this further potential illness was found as a result.
I’ve cried a few times since. I cried whilst typing this. And I’ll likely cry many more times about it.
Everything I’ve said on this thread and my other thread about how I felt hard done by and all my perceived grievances, are now completely eradicated. She is absolved of anything I held against her. There will never be another word about it.
I feel terrible that it’s taken something like this to make me truly, and so quickly, let it all go. But there’s nothing I can do about the last 7 years holding on to it, all I can do now is be a better man and a better person to her going forward.
She doesn’t deserve something like this. She is an incredible mother. My sister told me the other day that she has never seen a child who is as well behaved as my son, even over her own 3 children.
On everything I hold sacred, on my life, on my soul, I sincerely hope with all my heart that the mother of my child is going to be ok.
June 30, 2019 at 6:33 am #301447AnonymousGuestDear Dan:
I hope that the mother of your son will be as okay as she can be, and that indeed you will be “a better man and a better person to her going forward”-
anita
June 30, 2019 at 9:58 am #301491DanParticipantI will. I honestly will.
June 30, 2019 at 10:41 am #301495AnonymousGuestGood, Dan, I am glad to read this from you.
anita
July 1, 2019 at 12:16 pm #301641DanParticipantThank you. I think she was due to find something out about it today, I’ve not yet received any news however.
Just really hoping and praying that she doesn’t get diagnosed with it.
Her health and well-being is now the most important thing.
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 