* Please ignore what follows the closing of my post (I pasted your previous writings into my reply and forgot to delete it before submitting).

Dear Tee:

You are very kind, thank you!

“Well over the course of that 5 year relationship I learned I needed to be more forgiving but still firm on what I was looking for… assertive“- a perfect combination: more forgiving and firm/ assertive, as in not one or another, or one at the expense of the other.

“I was always expecting something, something to change but I missed the moments of reality“- you wrote this in regard to your adult relationship, but I am thinking that this has been true to the girl that you were when growing up: “I..  stayed in my own world“, “I kind of repressed a lot of memories to be honest and it is a bit hazy… I didn’t know it was affecting me or how I really felt about” (Aug 4, 2020).

This is how I too experienced my childhood: repressed memories (I have very few memories of it), hazy, in my own world- daydreaming a lot, and like you, I too studied very hard. It happens to a child when growing up in an ongoing distressing situation: the child closes-in, dissociates, pays the least attention to what is happening (missing the moments of reality) so to lower the distress. These are not conscious, individual choices: nature/physiology  chooses this for us.

Similarly to you, I grew up in a 1-bedroom apartment, a small 1-bedroom (with my mother and a younger sister). Before their divorce, my parents too fought. But I remember only one such incident: loud voices, glass breaking perhaps, suicide threats, etc. I remember looking through a little hole in the makeshift-door that created a separate tiny second room, scared.

“I loved with blind eyes until the 3rd time I left“- living as a child with blind eyes, as much as possible, so to not see the distressing, ongoing events=> living adulthood and loving with blind eyes

“The 3rd time I left I chose me, I prioritized me in what I wanted and needed‘- firm, assertive!

“I think I was trying to mold myself too, to fit him and force a happy relationship“- an ongoing childhood adjustment that you made growing up: “I did as I was told... I studied hard and did not question much since I didn’t want to give them another reason to argue“, April 4, 2020)

“It’s been 1.5 years since I spoke to him and over that time I almost went into a mourning phase because I realized we just weren’t right for each other no matter how hard we tried“-

– this makes me think of the child that I was: my mother and I, we just weren’t right for each other, no matter how hard I tried. But a child does not have the option to leave a bad relationship.. with one’s mother.

“I was also resentful, for him not loving me the way I loved him“- this is my childhood experience, in regard to my mother: unrequited love. It is your experience too, with your father, isn’t it, an experience you projected into your then boyfriend : “my dad and my current partner have very similar personalities. Maybe, I subconsciously looked for that to try and fix it, the ‘un-required love?‘” (April 2020)

“I think before I just couldn’t shake the feeling that we were meant to be but that was childish“- a child feels that she was meant to be with her parents. Fast forward, this feeling is projected to a romantic partner.

“It was just an attachment to familiarity is what I was experiencing. The feeling of lack of emotion, distance, separation anxieties, and quality time. All what I experienced growing up“- it was not only the lack in your childhood that you re-experienced with your then boyfriend, but also the HOPE that this lack will change (“I was always expecting something, something to change“, yesterday’s post).

“I am still super single and I am just having fun by myself with my two cats. Occasionally I go out with some friends to keep up the human interactions. I am doing things alone that I never thought I’d do before. I am trying and learning to be happy with my own company. That’s me so far. Much love, Tee“- much love back to you, Tee, and congratulations, again, for making a super single, fun life happen for you! I will be glad to read more from you anytime you feel like sharing!

anita