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In in love with my best friend (should I make a move?)

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  • September 2, 2018 at 8:40 pm #224123
    M
    Participant

    Hi everyone, this is my first time posting and english isn’t my first language so I’ll try to be brief and I apologize in advance for any errors
    I met my best friend six years ago when we were both in college (different colleges but same city) and we became really close. We like the same things, share the same interests and can talk for hours about anything.

    About a year after we became friends he send me a text saying he was in love with me and even though I loved him as a friend l was sort of in love with somebody else and never had a serious relationship (neither had he), so I said we should continue as friends and he accepted it.

    So time moved on and I ended up having a short relationship with the guy I was in love, and having a big 3 year serious relationship with another guy. My relationship ended about a year ago and I took a break to see what it was I really wanted in a relationship, and one day I came to the conclusion that I wanted someone that was smart and funny (as my first boyfriend) but also sweet and sensible (as my last) and that was when I realized that I described him. Someone that makes me laugh, someone that makes me comfortable, someone that knows me completely.

    So I realized that but keep it quiet for months because he was dating for this girl for almost four years but everything changed this weekend when he called me to tell me she broke up with him and if we could talk. We ended up talking for hours at the beach and he told me that he really wasn’t that happy in the relationship but that he was heartbroken nevertheless.

    So now I’m not sure what to do, I obviously want to give him time to grief the end of the relationship but I also really want he to know how I feel. I don’t know if I would want to flat out tell him that I want to be with him but maybe just send subtle hints? I’m also “afraid” they could get back together and I’ll miss the opportunity.

    So I guess my questions are:
    -Should I tell him?
    – How long should I wait (the breakup was just 4 days ago)
    – Should I just go with the flow and see if he makes a move now that he is single?

    September 2, 2018 at 9:03 pm #224137
    Mark
    Participant

    M,

    4 day breakup is an extremely short time to be able to recover/process/grieve/get over a relationship.

    I would let the man make the move once he is ready.  You can reach out later but right now it’s too soon.  Give it at least 9 months since his last relationship was 4 years.

    In the meantime, live your life, date others, and let him go for now.

    Mark

    September 3, 2018 at 5:47 am #224159
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear M:

    My suggestion is that you focus on these talks you should keep having with him, listen to what he says, share your thoughts as well, your feelings and life experience with him. Don’t let your interest in him be in the way of that friendship you have with him, don’t let it interfere with your ability to really listen to him.

    If you continue those conversations, your interest in him, and his will come up when it will, as part of talking and when it does the issue of timing will come up as well. At that point, the two of you can decide on the if and the when of a relationship beyond friendship.

    anita

    September 3, 2018 at 6:23 am #224169
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi M,

    It sounds like you will be friends forever, so it’s not like he’s going away. This is very normal: best friends like each other over their life but always seem to have missed connections!

    He won’t pick up on any subtle hints from you because you had turned him down long ago. You only see what you expect to see, after all.

    I would wait until next year. Possibly get a trusted mutual friend to gently let him know your feelings. If it’s not reciprocated, the friend says nothing and you gracefully continue your friendship. He might be happily surprised, and the friend can say, “Now might be a good time to go for it, bro” (and surreptitiously let you know).

    Good Luck,

    Inky

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