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  • April 19, 2016 at 5:20 pm #102282
    jenn12
    Participant

    Hi,

    I am new to the forums here, but would love some outside insight. My boyfriend,John, and I have been together for 9 years and we are very happy. However, I have had issues with his brother and sister-in-law, we will call them Anthony and Jean. Anthony was married to another woman when John and I got together. Anthony got a divorce in 2008 and was re-married in 2011 to Jean. Jean and I are close in age, but I feel she is socially awkward and in turn I am at a loss for how to speak with her. Anthony and Jean had a little girl in 2013 and are the favorites of the family. The two of them are very self centered and self absorbed. For Christmas they asked for money for their daughter for college or dance classes. They are not hurting for money, they both work and have their own company. They rent their home from Jean’s parents. I find that I am very jealous of them, not because I want what they have, but because they have everything they want. I had dinner with Jean awhile back and tried to open up, but again it was awkward and nothing was really accomplished. I would like to get along with them better, however, I don’t know how to do this.

    April 19, 2016 at 5:45 pm #102286
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jenn12:

    Anthony and Jean do not have everything they want. Once you find that out, you will be less jealous.

    Of course, if the two of them are completely self centered and self absorbed, there is no place for you in their lives.

    Jean, being “socially awkward”- how does her behavior show that she is socially awkward?

    What is your motivation for wanting to get along with them better?

    anita

    April 19, 2016 at 6:21 pm #102289
    jenn12
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your response. I agree with your comment that there is no place for me in their lives, I just would like to have a better time getting along with them. I find that when I am with them, I shut down. I can’t speak or even be cordial and that bothers me as I am very open.

    The reason I call her “socially awkward” is she only speaks when a direct question is asked to her and even then she usually responds with a laugh and then only answers with one word.

    I would like to get along with them as they are “family”.

    April 19, 2016 at 7:00 pm #102296
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jenn12:

    You wrote in your original post that Jean has everything she wants, but being socially awkward as you described it, means to me that she probably wants confidence and doesn’t have much of it, this is why she is awkward. When you are in her company, observe her, and Anthony, before you try to get along with them. You can learn a lot about people from watching and listening to them. Pay attention.

    Learn who they are. I bet you are jealous of them simply because you don’t know them. You think you do, but you only know a few superficial information that led you to assume things that may not be true at all.

    Over time, you may naturally form a connection with either one or both.

    anita

    April 19, 2016 at 7:46 pm #102302
    jenn12
    Participant

    Thank you for your input!

    April 19, 2016 at 8:19 pm #102307
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jenn12:

    you are welcome, and please do post again!

    anita

    April 20, 2016 at 5:09 am #102328
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Jen12,

    I have a similar situation to yours. What is going on is that Good Things are going to the Undeserving.

    But from an outsider looking into YOUR situation, there are other factors:

    1. The family will naturally give more time, love and resources to the (only?) grandchild

    2. You may THINK they are doing OK with money, but maybe they’re not doing as well as you might imagine. For instance, on the outside my sister is doing swimmingly, yet guess who she hit up for $$ for her son’s “Russian Dance Lessons”? ME!! LOL. Believe me, she would NOT have hit me up for cash unless she had to. That is how much we love our kids!!

    3. On paper the Socially Awkward one IS part of the family, and so she will be given more time, consideration and resources, especially if the parents are older. Once you get married you might be more part of the fold, who knows?

    4. We only help who we think NEED help. Maybe they think more of you than they do of them in reality?

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Inky.
    April 20, 2016 at 7:32 am #102334
    jenn12
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thank you for your response.

    1. Yes, their child is the first official grandchild. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and his family has been very loving to her. It is more his brother and sister-in-law that do not treat myself or my daughter as part of the family.

    2. I guess regarding the money, I just find it interesting that they ask for money for their child’s dance and college when she is only 3 and they are re-doing their house, her room and have been re-modeling their business. I feel that if they want to ask grandparents that is one thing, but to send this out to the whole family and have it be expected is shocking.

    3. Maybe I didn’t word the part regarding Socially Awkward appropriately. I brought this up more to explain why I find it difficult to deal with her.

    The main reason for my original post is that I find I spend a lot of time worrying, playing out situations when it comes to being around them because I find that I am not myself. I was hoping to find information regarding how I can let go of the things I can’t change. I find that I am angry when I think about them, yet at the end of the day the only one who is suffering is me and I would like to stop that. I would like to be able to be myself around them, but I find that when I try to do that I feel as though I am being fake.

    I hope some of this makes more sense and I appreciate the input.

    April 20, 2016 at 12:00 pm #102351
    Inky
    Participant

    Can you limit how often you get together? And then limit how long you’ll stay?

    As always, Seek Sanctuary in Politeness.

    Sometimes, polite and surface-y is all we can be around certain people. Don’t fight your nature or your reactions towards these people. Be true to how you feel ~ without hurting them of course.

    I would love to be open and fully myself with everyone, but that would actually be detrimental ~ at least to myself.

    Hope This Helps!

    Inky

    April 20, 2016 at 2:04 pm #102354
    jenn12
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thank you very much for your insight. It is good to hear that sometimes you just can’t get along and it is better to realize this and accept this.

    I will continue to work on myself to ensure that I can be polite and move forward.

    Thank you all again,
    Jenn

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