Good Morning!

You’re using this crush as a distraction from the iron hard reality that you will be divorcing. Maybe initially it was for that brief romantic feeling, but now it’s an emotional security blanket. It sounds like you won’t see him an awful lot, so in that sense he’s “harmless”. You will have that Peaceful Alone Place. But first, get through this divorce. It may be harder than you think it will be. And like Blue said, protect yourself.

Hi –

I’m glad you two said what I had trouble saying and held back from saying.

Lucy you appear to have it together and are on the right track.

Inky you’re spot on as usual.

Gosh it would have been so helpful to know about this site a few years ago. I’m grateful and no worries now.

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Suppose to Be and Embrace Who You Are
Brene Brown

Big blue

Lucy,

In contrast to some of the other sharply aimed advice, consider that there is nothing wrong with your feelings, they just are. Avoiding your feelings isn’t going to work long term, they just get suppressed and lead us to madness. Said differently, here you have a large woosh of feelings, finally, after years of neglect, and your instinct is to hide them, avoid them, remove them. Which makes sense, because who knows if the current interest would be as radiant for you if you didn’t feel so lonely. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that when we get married, we offer to our partner a certain promise of sharing our space. For many, and usually women, their space gets neglected, their desires sacrificed for “the good of the family”. This wears down our relationship with ourselves, getting used to having our desires regarded as “indulgent”, “selfish”. “Should i want this? Should I avoid that? What is expected of me?” Blah, garbage, unneeded.

Consider a different approach. Look at how when the new love interest came along, the slumbering goddess inside you woke up. She received a breath of life, tender attentions, connection, communication… and all your bits came alive, charged. That’s great! Awkward timing, being still married, but better to have an adulterous fling that wakes you up, shakes you down, than to sleepwalk endlessly.

It also makes sense that you need to refriend yourself, find that inner space of “just Lucy” before a long term relationship has the chance of being stable. Not because you “just need to take time away” or “avoid a rebound” or anything like that, those are meaningless. Rather, do you know who you are? Do you know what you like? Do you feel confident that you’re lovable, deserving, as is? These are the things that need exploring before diving in again.

The reason is that because of the loneliness from the years of empty bed, sharing a bed is really vibrant. “Oh, his butt smells, but goodness it feels good to have his naked body here.” or “Well, he’s racist, but sees my beauty.” These compromises, these “well, yes, but…” get in the way. Setting you up for a “new boss just like the old boss”. Said differently, instead of accepting you like a clean smell, and standing up for that desire, such as “if you want to lay in bed with me, wash your butt”, the grief and loneliness push us to be silent, just accept it, just sacrifice our desire. Then, the whole time you’re smelling the butt smell, less present, less happy, pull away, etc.

However, when you can make good friends with yourself, come to see yourself as happy, content, then the other things happen without all that pressure. As you shuck the cheaty husband and let go of the sensual rebound, you’ll still be there, learning who you are, what you like. That’s good! That’s what helps you find what you’re looking for, leads you down your path. The secret is that while the husband neglected (and the lover inspired) that inner goddess, you’re it. You’re the nexus, the center, the source. All that joy and beauty, the love and romance… all inside you, part of you. Not them, it doesn’t belong to them, its not theirs, they don’t give that to you. Its inside you, because of the curious, because of the exploring, the break from routine. But we don’t need a partner for that… we can open up our eyes to our own light, and find our way.

Practically, this happen by exploring our desires. What are you interested in? If you love to skydive, for instance, then meeting the skydiving with the goddess exploring brings the same sense of “whoosed Lucy” that he does now. Intrepid, smiling, learning… what a blessed journey! Then, being with a partner is a fun addition, but unnecessary. And, it makes all your other desires easier to accept. Such as “hey, that was a lot of fun parachuting with you, but would you take a shower? You stink.” Not “I don’t want to ruin our moment by talking about what I like/dislike/need/want.” Just “that was great, and now we are here, so what is here? What would we like to do next?”

Namaste, dear sister, may you find your desires, open to them, and see them fulfilled.

With warmth,
Matt

I never thought we weren’t, Lucy! 🙂 Thanks for the kind words.

Yeah, forcing yourself to do most things is wasted effort. Maybe if you were in a really painful cycle (such as injustice-anger), it can help to “murder the causes” or “cut the shit”. Here though, sheesh! The desire is there for a bunch of reasons, and the more you explore those reasons, the more the unhealthy shed and the healthy grow. Like cooking a meal, its easy to tell when there is too much salt, and adjust next time. Find your balance, what makes your heart sing, and you’ll be fine :). Consider the pressure from “omgwhatdoido whatdoido” is just leftover from old baggage, not enough self nurturing,being nurtured by your partner, etc. Don’t believe its immediacy! We do well when we are patient with ourselves, like watching a flower bloom. Rushing only tears at the pedals, which are tender, delicate, whispers of heart that go unheard when our mind gets all blabby.

With warmth,
Matt

Inky, Matt, Big Blue – you are all amazing and it’s wonderful that you are on this sight. Lucy, good luck. So many people here “get it” and we are blessed to have a safe space to ask questions, get opinions and insight (and laughter).

I don’t have anything to add because a) these guys already said it all and b) I’m only about 3/4 through my own erratic, healing adventure with emotions as nutsoid as yours. Best wishes to you.

My therapist did recommend a book to add perhaps to the EXCELLENT recommendations above and it is Calling in The One by Katherine Woodward Thomas. Readable, smart, and not what you’d expect.

Also, I recommend the TED talk by Brene Brown entitled The Power of Vulnerability.

Sojourner-

Thank you for your nice words – I am grateful to share and learn here.

Lucy on the process you describe … I’ve been going through some significant changes, and I think I’m even more myself as I go along. So, it’s interesting re: being a better person and partner potentially and whether this is achievable. Though maybe it’s the journey that counts… 🙂

Big blue