In Love with People who just broke up

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This topic has 18 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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January 24, 2018 at 6:49 am #188539

Romeo
Participant

Firstly, I want to thank this community for being there for me going through this hard time of breaking up with my recent girlfriend. For those of you who are curious I will put the link here https://tinybuddha.com/topic/broke-up-with-someone-amazing/

So I was having a self-reflection, looking back at my past two relationships. I noticed that there is a common pattern about myself, that I tend to fall in love with girls who just got out of a relationship. Looking back at both my past relationships. I was their beacon of hope, their rock and shoulder to lean on when they were going through their tough times. I felt good and manly to be able to be that person who was beside them supporting them. I had a deep realization that there is this deep unconscious problem with myself. Unconsciously I am always a people’s pleaser, always looking for ways to please everyone and in return receiving their love and affection towards me. That’s how I feed my happiness. Although I had always been aware of this problem, still I will always be a people’s pleaser without me knowing. I didn’t know how to love myself. I thought if I showed my love more to people which includes my ex partners, they would in return provide me that happiness I’m looking for. Well looking back all these years, it seems like I really learn the lesson the hard way. Looking back, I was never truly happy. Always seeking for recognition for an illusion that does not exist.

I am glad for this life lesson, and here marks my beginning of healing and my journey of loving myself. “Loving someone requires you to love yourself first.”

So this pattern of mine dating someone who just got out from a relationship. Do you guys have any more explanation on that? Is there any underlying issues of the past that may affect this behavior of mine? I come from a loving family so I really do not know how my parents are related to this brain pattern of mine? Could use some help in identifying that.

If anyone have similar stories please do share it with me. Thank you and cheers to you all!:)

January 24, 2018 at 7:42 am #188555

Mark
Participant

Romeo, Good for you for recognizing your relationship pattern in being attracted to women who look for an emotionally supportive partner. Plus good for you wanting to look into your Family Of Origin (FOO) to ascertain the source of this pattern.

I think you touched on that by knowing that you need to be needed. Was your mother like that? Someone who felt that she had to do things that nurture so that she had a role in the family?

Thanks for sharing and I look forward in hearing more about your self exploration.

Mark

January 24, 2018 at 7:55 am #188561

Eliana
Participant

Hi Romeo,

I think what is happening, is you are confusing love, with rescue. The damsel in distress. You are wanting to rescue these women, then from that need to “rescue” you confuse it with love, which is not healthy, because once they they get back on their feet, and feel better, they will eventually leave. You are needing a 50/50 where each person puts in half toward the relationship, and they are not given the chance to meet your needs, because you are to busy meeting theirs, pleasing them, or rescuing them. I have the same problem. It may boil down to wanting to have “control” over things. When we can rescue someone, we can feel we are making their decisions for them, helping them, when in fact, we have to allow them to do this for themselves. It is hard, I know, as it is ingrained.

I don’t know if this comes from Childhood. I know with me, I had a very traumatic chilhood, I had no control over anything, over my feelings, emotions, no love, nurturing, etc. It has made me into an adult rescuer which I am currently in therapy for. Being the rescuer allows me to have the control, I was not allowed in my childhood.

There are many great books on this topic you can buy online, rent from the library or purchase from bookstore, as well as help from a qualified therapist. I hope things get better. Please post with any comments or thoughts you may have.

January 24, 2018 at 9:45 pm #188795

Carolin
Participant

Hi Romeo,

I am reading a book now about the Inner Child. It brings so much stuff up from my unconsciouss its amazing.

I can highly recommend it. There might be things that you are not aware of that happened, and it must not have to do with your parents, maybe some other adult, or school mates etc. Sounds like you recognized your pattern very well though. It sounds like maybe at some point in the past you were “rewarded” for being nice and helpful and you associated that pattern with love. But making someone need you after a breakup is not love.

If the answer is not in your childhood then some people like to think about past life experiences.

Hope that helps 🙂

January 28, 2018 at 8:05 am #189423

Romeo
Participant

Dear Mark,

Thank you for your encouragement. Well looking back at my past childhood. At a certain point in time, my family was really struggling. My parents failed their business as my mom were betrayed by her siblings who were working for them. It caused them a huge debt. My mom was really broken back then as well as my dad. But my mom was more in pain in my own perspective, as i saw her crying and constant breakdowns. It was really hard for her as her own blood related family betrayed her for money. But no matter how hard it was, she always manage to wake up early in the morning to cook for us, to bring us to school every day without fail. For that I have always admire her strength, her love and her perseverance to take good care of us. Sometimes she gets angry easily because she’s very tired and she still needs to take care of us. My parent’s hardwork and love for us makes me feel like I really owe them alot and someday I know I can repay them for what they have given me and my siblings. Maybe this contributed to my people’s pleaser behavior, I don’t know.

Now looking back in my teen years, I was a very timid and awkward individual. Being skinny and small, always being called a stick and sometimes look down upon. But I managed to get past that stage by working on myself, going to the gym eating more. As i progress in the gym, my confidence grew as well. But fast forward to my current situation, I did realized that all these while I may have neglected building my inner confidence. After going through these tough times, I realize I wasnt that strong after all even though I have a big body. I was weak in the mind and heart, still that timid kid inside of me…..it’s sad to think of it. When you think you’re on the right track but you realized you’re not. And you realize it from the people who was in and out of your life, people who gave you meaningful lessons that really teach you about who you really are.

January 28, 2018 at 8:13 am #189429

Romeo
Participant

Dear Eliana,

Well now that you mentioned it, maybe I did confused rescue with love. And yes, I do feel in control as I felt like a “real man” helping them and being their rock. It gave me some sense of achievement which almost felt like a drug or something that fuels me as a person. What books do you recommend? I picked up a new hobby of reading recently, reading really helps our personal growth in many ways.

January 28, 2018 at 8:15 am #189431

Romeo
Participant

Dear Carolin,

Thank you for your support and help. I am still searching for clear answers. Thank you for the book recommendation. Will look into that. Will keep you posted if I really found what I have been searching for. Cheers.

January 28, 2018 at 10:40 am #189483

Eliana
Participant

Hi Romeo,

Sorry for my late response. The book that I found was helpful is called “co-dependent no more” by Melody Beattie. And, “Healing the Inner Child”..hope this helps..

January 29, 2018 at 5:08 am #189551

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Romeo:

In your original post you asked: “Do you guys have any more explanation on…I come from a loving family so I really do not know how my parents are related to this brain pattern of mine? Could use some help in identifying that” The pattern you referred to is falling “In Love with People who just broke up” (title of your thread), that is having gotten into relationships with two women who just ended their relationships and were in pain.

I will try to do just that for you based on the two other posts you made on this thread:

When you were a child, your mother “was really broken… in pain… I saw her crying and constant breakdowns…”- the little boy that you were wanted to rescue her, wanted to take away her pain. This may very well be the origin of the pattern you mentioned: you see a young woman in pain and you want to take her pain away.

Back to your mother, you wrote: “Sometimes she gets angry easily because she’s very tired and still needs to take care of us… (I) feel like I really owe them a lot and someday I know I can repay them”-

I agree that “this contributed to (your) people’s pleaser behavior”, the motivation is to pay, and pay a lot, for any attention or care that you do receive.

It is a very deep and intense experience for a child to watch a parent struggle, in pain. The child feels in danger, because if his mother collapses and is unable to function, the child will be uncared for (in nature that would mean likely death).

Automatically the child wants to take the pain away. Your understandable failure to take away your mother’s pain (impossible for the child that you were) caused you to feel lacking, and not in control of your situation.

With the two women in your past, you tried to be in control, to take away their pain and feel in control.

What you think?

anita

January 29, 2018 at 6:28 am #189561

Romeo
Participant

Dear Anita,

Wow! Just wow!! All these connections and links that you described. When I was reading it i felt that you really hit the spot. Thank you so much for your help Anita!

The problem is how do I get rid of this ingrained behaviour of mine that was implanted in me since young?

January 29, 2018 at 6:33 am #189563

Romeo
Participant

Dear Anita,

As I re-read your post I cried to myself. I just feel so sad for myself.

January 29, 2018 at 7:02 am #189567

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Romeo:

You are welcome. Feeling sad for yourself, for the child that you were, so sad for your mother’s pain, so motivated to take her pain away is the beginning of your healing. It is realizing that as you cared so much for her pain, you were experiencing great pain yourself.

Healing starts with realizing it is indeed pain that you experienced all along, separate from your parents’ pain. As they were hurting so were you. And you are still hurting.

Stay with that sadness today. Don’t push it away. Do distract yourself with pleasant, healthy activities and let your new understanding sink in. Post again later, in a day, a few days and I will be glad to reply to you again.

anita

January 30, 2018 at 11:34 am #189813

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Romeo:

I wanted to let you know that I remember our interaction from yesterday (above) and wonder about how you are feeling and what you are thinking. Post when you would like, if you would.

anita

February 1, 2018 at 5:53 am #190049
Romeo
Participant
Dear Anita,

So sorry for the late reply, I was taking my time to embrace this sadness. I don’t know but it doesn’t seemed like its getting better. I thought it’s gonna get better but I am still feeling very depressed. I’m depressed for not loving myself enough, well more like angry at myself. I kept thinking about the what ifs, what if I know how to love myself, non of this would have happened. I wouldnt hurt her my ex so much. All the what ifs, I know it’s not helping but this guilt feels like its slowly eating me up inside.

And today, I felt something that I have never felt before, I went to the gym and there was this big dude who came to me ask me if we can share the equipment. He was being quite rude, but i was nice enough to offer him to share. Then this big dude rudely ask me to put on the weights for him without saying please and thank you. He treated me like a slave like i was nobody. But you know what I did? I followed his instructions, but inside I was really boiling. I can feel this anger inside of me waiting to just come out. But i stopped myself from unleashing this anger because I know it wouldnt end well. So pathetic. After I left the gym, I felt this tremendous anger towards myself, telling myself ” YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO DEFEND YOURSELF!!” what the fuck was I thinking? I just kept quiet and just follow his instruction like a dog. I’m so angry!! I have never felt this angry before!!!I FEEL LIKE IM going nuts!!! I’m so angry but helpless!!! WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF??!!
- This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Romeo.
February 1, 2018 at 6:52 am #190071

Mark
Participant

The plus side Romeo is that you recognized that you don’t want to do that anymore.

In addition I would not blame yourself too much for this is human behavior.

See the Xerox study example: http://www.directcreative.com/influence-and-persuasion-how-to-trigger-the-yes-response.html

Next time you can be more psychologically prepared.

Mark
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